1. Glokta

    Glokta Registered User

    Jul 22, 2019
    41
    I’m new to the forum and have joined because my mum has (diagnosed) dementia and it’s becoming very hard for me and my brother to cope with her. Our main problem is that all her life she has been a domineering bully, jealous and demanding. She has managed to drive everyone away by her toxic behaviour, and so has very limited social contact, even though she has a large family. The only visitors are me and my brother, (I moved away at 16 and only returned 5 years ago, to be near my Sister and Brother). When she developed dementia she seemed to have turned over a new leaf, and we coped well, but as things have progressed she has returned to her normal behaviour plus a bit! My main support, my Aunt, her sister, died last October and this has had a deleterious affect on us all. Since then I have become very depressed and anxious, not helped by my Mum constantly going over how much she misses Aunty Jan, telling me long stories of what they did together on a weekly basis, all, I might add, confabulation. I do appreciate she misses her, but they did not have much face to face contact due to her behaviour, however, they spoke daily on the ‘phone. I’m pretty much at my wits end with coping with her, invariably public, tantrums and yesterday told her I would no longer take her out. My brother copes by going to the pub with friends, but he is also very stressed and unhappy.
     
  2. Andrew_McP

    Andrew_McP Registered User

    Mar 2, 2016
    164
    Male
    South Northwest
    #2 Andrew_McP, Jul 22, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
    I can't really say anything particularly useful, but it's always nice to see another fan of 'The First Law' book trilogy. You're probably, like me, looking forward to 'A Little Hatred' published later in the year.

    No matter how tough coping with dementia in the family can be, it's important to have something to look forward to in life. Hopefully by the time you're reading that, you'll have been able to get an external care package in place to help your mother.

    FWIW, my mother was no monster, but she wasn't someone who collected friends or good relationships easily, and she certainly wasn't afraid of upsetting folk she decided needed upsetting! Dementia has not robbed her of this skillset, even though it's stolen so much of the rest of her.

    Just try to remember that nobody chooses to have dementia, and the harder someone is to deal with, the more they probably need the help, and the less easily they'll probably accept it. I actually found that helping my mother helped me find a purpose in life after many years of wondering what it's all about as a wage slave. Goodness only knows what I'll do when all this is over! Maybe I'll be broken by the experience, like Glokta. But maybe I'll discover I've developed new skills... hopefully not quite like Glokta! :)

    But that's a problem for later. I've learned, very slowly, to live for today, because it's all we've got (other inane platitudes are available on request!)

    I think you should probably focus on getting social services involved to support your mother and, therefore, yourself and the rest of the family. It's unlikely to be an easy process, but it's not going to get any easier, the longer you leave it.

    Best of luck.
     
  3. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    8,373
    leicester
    Hello @Glokta and welcome to DTP
    You sound in a difficult position and you make no mention of outside help..
    I wonder if you have had a current SS needs assessment for your Mum and a carers assessment for yourself?
    I hope now you have found the forum you will continue to post
     
  4. Glokta

    Glokta Registered User

    Jul 22, 2019
    41
    Thanks for your support. It really made a difference. After a break of three days at Bridlington, where I couldn’t sleep for worry (and the heat!) I returned yesterday and today have applied for a SS Needs Assessment. I’m not expecting anything to come of it, except perhaps access to respite care, I’m shaking with anxiety about it. It seems laughable for a 59 year old woman to be so nerve-wracked and fearful of her own frail 84 year old mum. This morning I had her on the phone demanding and threatening, tonight when I went to walk Paddy, her dog, (who had lost weight in my absence because she won’t let my brother feed him, and she forgets to), she was so pleased to see me, had so missed me and was so nice. I gave her an extra hug and kiss as I felt pathetically grateful that there was no nastiness or aggression from her. Lol.
     

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