Hello from an old member!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by PatH, Aug 16, 2009.

  1. PatH

    PatH Registered User

    Feb 14, 2005
    301
    N.Ireland
    Hello again,
    I have at long last got myself a laptop and hopefully will be dropping in more often, mind you my typing has not improved. A lot has changed on the forum since i last used it and to be honest im not sure that I understand what a blog means!
    However what hasnt changed are the reasons for being here and the support the forum offers.
    Donal is still fighting, his poor body and mind have lost all power.I am still visiting the home to feed him his meals and be part of his daily care. I have learnt so much about nursing homes over the last 3 years and I have learnt to look at care from a different perspective and understand that while the care must be of a high standard it is not a one to one situation. That was what i was hoping for initially but realize it is just not possible.
    I also look at Donal some days and think he just looks like his old self but I forget that I am now looking at him with different eyes.
    He still takes many infections but his swallow is the most dramatic he is constantly having to be suctioned.-then he aspirates.
    Its almost 15 years now and I still cannot come to terms what has happened to us but when I look at this forum it reminds me of just how many are being diagnosed every day.
    Nice to be here again
    Pat
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,078
    Kent
    It`s good to have you here again Pat.
    It`s sad to hear of such a deterioration and yet it`s only what we can expect once there has been a diagnosis.
     
  3. barraf

    barraf Registered User

    Mar 27, 2004
    308
    Huddersfield
    Hello from an old member

    Hello Pat
    Like you it is a while since I last posted, and like you I visit the home dally to give Margaret her dinner. She, like Donal has lost all speech and mobility and sometimes when I leave I cry for the lost look in her eyes. No doubt like me you still feel guilty that you are no longer caring for your loved none at home, even though it has become physically impossible.
    I console myself with the thought that although she doesn't have one to one care Margaret is clean and comfortable, warm and properly fed, and she doesn't appear to be in any distress. On the plus side the staff in her home are really caring and helpful, which I find extraordinary as they are on virtually minimum wage.
    barraf
     
  4. PatH

    PatH Registered User

    Feb 14, 2005
    301
    N.Ireland
    Thanks

    Thanks Sylvia and Barraf,
    I carried a lot of guilt and still do but I know that I would not be able to give him the care he deserves.
    I am more positive nowadays and have learnt to accept that i cannot change the situation. I tried for years to beat this disease but sadly it has beaten us and I try to adapt on a daily basis because as you know everyday seems to bring a new hurdle to deal with.
    The home has been great because it has allowed me to be very much hands on. I dont take holidays but if i did i think i would now have to apply for annual leave.
    It was our 45th wedding anniversary on 25th July and I wrote him a little poem the first two lines are

    "I sit here on this our anniversary,
    So sad,yet glad that I can see and touch you."

    Thats just what I feel now I am so glad that i still have him.
    Pat
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Pat and Barraf, welcome back, both.:)

    I'm in the same situation as you both, my John is now in a nursing home, immobile and unable to talk.

    It's heartbreaking.

    Love,
     
  6. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    Hello:
    It is good to hear from you both. My husband too is now in a NH - it does cause tremendous sadness although at the time we know there is no alternative. It is good to hear your spouses are being well cared for and that is all we can hope at this stage.

    I hope you will keep in touch with tp. Jan
     
  7. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    It might be a good idea to have a section for spouses who are now in Care Homes. We do all share the same feelings. This is so obvious when I read all the posts on this thread.

    I love Talking Point and the variety of posts but sometimes it would be good to let my feelings out, knowing that there is a section on the forum where other people understand as they are in the same position and that there will be no feelings from some posts I read on the general site that somehow I am an inferior carer and wife or have to justify myself because my husband is in a Care Home.

    xxTina
     
  8. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    No one is inferior

    knowing that there is a section on the forum where other people understand as they are in the same position and that there will be no feelings from some posts I read on the general site that somehow I am an inferior carer and wife or have to justify myself because my husband is in a Care Home

    We do what we can do.
    And when we cannot do it anymore, we get help.
    I am sad that you had to post that statement. We are ALL in the same boat. Barb X
     
  9. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,078
    Kent
    Hello Barraf

    It`s good to hear from you too again even though your circumstances are also very sad. It`s also ood to hear you are satisfied with the care your wife is being given.
    Please keep in touch.
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,078
    Kent
    Dear Tina

    It fills me with deep sadness to think you have been made to feel an inferior carer or wife because Ken is in a care home.
    Your devotion to Ken shines out from every post you write and inferior is the last word on earth I would identify with you.
    Love xx
     
  11. PatH

    PatH Registered User

    Feb 14, 2005
    301
    N.Ireland
    Thanks all,
    Yes hopefully i will be around more often now the laptop is sitting on the kitchen table I doubt if the typing will improve.

    Tina I too feel upset for you, please dont feel inferior, you know this disease has been thrust upon our loved ones and we have had to learn to be carers on the job so to speak. Its very difficult to care and be emotionally involved.
    Yes many times I have felt inadequate but I know I have done all I could to protect and love Donal.Being admitted into a care home was very traumatic for both of us, we've had many problems to overcome and I have learnt a lot along the way.It would have been great if he could have stayed at home but it was just not possible.I cry often and am very lonely but, somehow in the last year with all the problems Donal has had with his failing health, I seem to have got a sense of peace.
    No one can judge you because they are not dealing with your particular circumstances. You are most definately not inferior and you do not have to justify yourself to anyone.
    Pat
     
  12. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hello Pat and barraf....:)

    It's good to hear from you both...your experiences are invaluable to those of us who are still caring at home...but struggling...and maybe thinking of that next step.

    Dear Tina....I would rather view you as someone who cares deeply for your husband. You in no way have abandoned him...and certainly do not have to justify the fact that he is in a CH...you're anything but inferior...and the support you give to others on TP is invaluable.

    Love xx
     

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