• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Hello Everyone

Pebble123

New member
Jan 23, 2021
7
0
My name is Alison I am new to the group.
My Mum has Alzheimers and has recently moved near to me but I’m now seeing the extend of the challenge and if I am honest I have no idea what to do for the best.
 

lollyc

Registered User
Sep 9, 2020
166
0
Hi Alison,
Sorry that you find yourself here, but you will find a wealth of support and useful information.
What specific concerns do you have?
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,703
0
Kent
Hello @Pebble123 Welcome to Talking Point

It`s only when we are in closer proximity to someone with dementia we can realise just how it affects their lives.

Well done for getting your mum to move nearer to you, it will enable you to have more frequent visits.

There`s little you can do for now other than keep a gentle eye on her and watch for any difficulties.

If your mum settles into her new home thank your lucky stars because a house move can increase confusion, which is what happened when I moved with my husband to be nearer our son.

If you can possibly get your mum to agree to an LPA, Lasting Power of Attorney, it will make life so much easier in time to come.

Keep posting here. There is lots of experience and support available for you.

This factsheet may help you too.

 

Pebble123

New member
Jan 23, 2021
7
0
Thank you unfortunately she has become a lot more confused. I moved her into a retirement flat but she keeps forgetting her keys when she goes out and can’t remember which is her door.
any ideas on what I can do?
It’s nice to know there are people here who understand.
Mum did a Enduring power of eterny as I lost my Dad when I was very young. I managed to get it registered mid last year. This doesn’t cover healthcare though.
 

Pebble123

New member
Jan 23, 2021
7
0
Hi Alison,
Sorry that you find yourself here, but you will find a wealth of support and useful information.
What specific concerns do you have?
Thanks
She is incredibly stubborn which isn’t anything new but won’t accept help. She doesn’t do her washing or cleaning even though she is convinced she has.
she is forever forgetting her keys but I have managed to get a tag on them so that is helping.
I expect this is perfectly normal but I’m conscious she has feelings and deserves dignity.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,234
0
Hello @Pebble123

It's so difficult to help our stubborn parents but, as you say, dignity is important. Some members have had success by introducing support as friends of theirs who need work - to do a bit of cleaning for example - and found that their parent has become used to having someone popping in to chat and do a bit around the place.

Do you have a key safe outside your mum's door in case she is locked out? These also come in handy when help is needed or carers become part of the routine.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
675
0
Being a practical kind of guy ( I am no good at emotional stuff!) I had a think about bthe door and the keys.

Could the door be painted a different colour to the others? ( With any necessary permission of course). If not could a brass plate be fixed to it, maybe not with a name but with something artistic that would make her door easy to identify?
On the keys I think you may already be there but there are key rings that can be traced, can make noises etc, lots of technical aids are available if you search for key finding. You might find something that can be traced to a location online. If she were to go out and get lost, which is a possibility, you could track her down more quickly.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
675
0
This thread prompted me to look at suitable key finders for my dad, who is always losing his keys at home. Surprisingly I have not found one where the transmitter can be screwed to the wall and no mobile phone is involved. If the transmitter was portable he would lose that. He can't cope with a smartphone. Anyone got any ideas?
 

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
246
0
Southern England
Dear @Pebble123

Hello and welcome to the forum. I will offer a few points to consider.

1) There is rarely an answer that ticks every box when helping a Person with Dementia (PWD). For example your mum might be more confused in her new home, but at least there you are nearby to support her. How much harder or perhaps impossible that would have been at a greater distance in a Covid19 world. Sometimes it is easy to see only the negative resulting from a decision, the positive hiding in the shadow of our thoughts waiting to be teased out.
2) You say you are unsure what to expect. Well I am several years into caring for my mum and you know what I still have that feeling at times. Please understand the caring process slowly develops, there is no precise road map, no definite time table. Best do some research, like joining this forum, perhaps a local carers group when they are able to reopen, get basics like LPAs in place if you can, etc. That said keep a sense of balance. There will be bad days ahead but not every PWD gets every part of the spectrum and the level of intensity will vary between individuals. Do not be overwhelmed in fear and anxiety over what ifs. Yes sensible planning but stay flexible, deal with issues as they begin to arise and seek help from the experience of other Carers, medical staff you brush up against on the caring road, etc. Do not darken today worrying about where you will be next year.
3) Think about yourself. You are suddenly taking a lot on in a Covid19 worrying world any way. Sit down and reflect the emotional jolt you are experiencing. In any other adventure in life no one can fully predict the future eg employment, general health, kids, etc. Caring is more unpredictable than most. If you say hold on I am not a carer sorry but your being here states that you are. Whether it is helping with shopping, arranging and getting your mum to appointments, sorting prescriptions, etc, or more intense efforts it is caring. When I was first referred to at a hospital appointment as the primary carer it felt odd, but you get use to it. Just remember you can only do it if you are in good shape physically, mentally and emotionally. Very easy to just focus on the needs of the PWD, easy but wrong. Ensure you look out for yourself as time goes on.
4) I am useless at tech so cannot give you a link. Search for the thread Compassionate Communication, it will help. Early on try and use it with an open mind. White lies, love lies, distraction, saying nevertheless not no, etc, might seem wrong but use what works. Caring is about compromise, balancing competing objectives, accepting things will gradually get worst but you will gradually get better at dealing with them, that excellence is not required that goof enough will do, that uncomfortable, challenging, anxious moments will happen as the new normal, so just greet them as new companions in your life but not as dominant ones in your thoughts.

Hope some of the above will be of help. Most of all use this forum. I have found it very helpful. Lots of experience to draw on, from people in the know, who are not judgemental. Your finding your feet, things are uncertain, but you know what so is life without Dementia. At all times remember by helping your mum you are part of the solution not the problem. You might make genuine mistakes, get annoyed at times and regret it later. All part of the human condition, how we learn, not something to beat ourselves up about. Good luck with the future, an unknown country for which there is no map.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,667
0
South coast
Id really, really like to add about 50,000 likes to @Whisperer 's post.

That describes exactly what it is like. The only thing that I feel I can add is the link to Compassionate communication, so here it is
 

Pebble123

New member
Jan 23, 2021
7
0
This thread prompted me to look at suitable key finders for my dad, who is always losing his keys at home. Surprisingly I have not found one where the transmitter can be screwed to the wall and no mobile phone is involved. If the transmitter was portable he would lose that. He can't cope with a smartphone. Anyone got any ideas
This thread prompted me to look at suitable key finders for my dad, who is always losing his keys at home. Surprisingly I have not found one where the transmitter can be screwed to the wall and no mobile phone is involved. If the transmitter was portable he would lose that. He can't cope with a smartphone. Anyone got any ideas?
Hi I have bought the esky one then I hide the transmitted in the top of a cupboard which she can’t reach. To be fair she is fairly short and I’m tall so that helps
 

Pebble123

New member
Jan 23, 2021
7
0
Dear @Pebble123

Hello and welcome to the forum. I will offer a few points to consider.

1) There is rarely an answer that ticks every box when helping a Person with Dementia (PWD). For example your mum might be more confused in her new home, but at least there you are nearby to support her. How much harder or perhaps impossible that would have been at a greater distance in a Covid19 world. Sometimes it is easy to see only the negative resulting from a decision, the positive hiding in the shadow of our thoughts waiting to be teased out.
2) You say you are unsure what to expect. Well I am several years into caring for my mum and you know what I still have that feeling at times. Please understand the caring process slowly develops, there is no precise road map, no definite time table. Best do some research, like joining this forum, perhaps a local carers group when they are able to reopen, get basics like LPAs in place if you can, etc. That said keep a sense of balance. There will be bad days ahead but not every PWD gets every part of the spectrum and the level of intensity will vary between individuals. Do not be overwhelmed in fear and anxiety over what ifs. Yes sensible planning but stay flexible, deal with issues as they begin to arise and seek help from the experience of other Carers, medical staff you brush up against on the caring road, etc. Do not darken today worrying about where you will be next year.
3) Think about yourself. You are suddenly taking a lot on in a Covid19 worrying world any way. Sit down and reflect the emotional jolt you are experiencing. In any other adventure in life no one can fully predict the future eg employment, general health, kids, etc. Caring is more unpredictable than most. If you say hold on I am not a carer sorry but your being here states that you are. Whether it is helping with shopping, arranging and getting your mum to appointments, sorting prescriptions, etc, or more intense efforts it is caring. When I was first referred to at a hospital appointment as the primary carer it felt odd, but you get use to it. Just remember you can only do it if you are in good shape physically, mentally and emotionally. Very easy to just focus on the needs of the PWD, easy but wrong. Ensure you look out for yourself as time goes on.
4) I am useless at tech so cannot give you a link. Search for the thread Compassionate Communication, it will help. Early on try and use it with an open mind. White lies, love lies, distraction, saying nevertheless not no, etc, might seem wrong but use what works. Caring is about compromise, balancing competing objectives, accepting things will gradually get worst but you will gradually get better at dealing with them, that excellence is not required that goof enough will do, that uncomfortable, challenging, anxious moments will happen as the new normal, so just greet them as new companions in your life but not as dominant ones in your thoughts.

Hope some of the above will be of help. Most of all use this forum. I have found it very helpful. Lots of experience to draw on, from people in the know, who are not judgemental. Your finding your feet, things are uncertain, but you know what so is life without Dementia. At all times remember by helping your mum you are part of the solution not the problem. You might make genuine mistakes, get annoyed at times and regret it later. All part of the human condition, how we learn, not something to beat ourselves up about. Good luck with the future, an unknown country for which there is no map.
Thank you
 

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
235
0
Hi @Pebble123, welcme to the forum.
Each PWD is different with problems that change over time, so even one problem will have a variety of solutions long term as the persons needs and reactions change. Saying that many of the people here come across similar problems and can offer a variety of solutions to try.
When it comes to cleaning and hygiene we have had to get more inventive as time goes on. Initially the carer would 'help' MIL with her cleaning and washing or 'give her a rest just for this week' but then she became very resistant, insisting she could do it all herself and started to get very angry . The Admiral Nurse (this is a service especially to support the carers of people diagnosed with dementia) advised us to try and get bedding and cleaning done without confrontation. Unfortunately the only way was for her not to see it. Our solution was for the carer to unlock the side door (where the utility area is) on her arrival. She excuses herself to go to the toilet once MIL settles then instead she strips the bedding, collects soiled clothing and towels , goes out the front door with the washing and back in through the side door to use the washing machine. By the time she comes in from the side door MIL has forgotten which door she went out of, she has done what is needed without confrontation and everyone is happy.
Good luck, I would advise dealing with each problem as it arises rather than trying to predict change. Sometimes it is easier to cope by breaking any new problem down into what is essential or not and then finding new ways to make the essentials happen.
 

Pebble123

New member
Jan 23, 2021
7
0
Dear @Pebble123

Hello and welcome to the forum. I will offer a few points to consider.

1) There is rarely an answer that ticks every box when helping a Person with Dementia (PWD). For example your mum might be more confused in her new home, but at least there you are nearby to support her. How much harder or perhaps impossible that would have been at a greater distance in a Covid19 world. Sometimes it is easy to see only the negative resulting from a decision, the positive hiding in the shadow of our thoughts waiting to be teased out.
2) You say you are unsure what to expect. Well I am several years into caring for my mum and you know what I still have that feeling at times. Please understand the caring process slowly develops, there is no precise road map, no definite time table. Best do some research, like joining this forum, perhaps a local carers group when they are able to reopen, get basics like LPAs in place if you can, etc. That said keep a sense of balance. There will be bad days ahead but not every PWD gets every part of the spectrum and the level of intensity will vary between individuals. Do not be overwhelmed in fear and anxiety over what ifs. Yes sensible planning but stay flexible, deal with issues as they begin to arise and seek help from the experience of other Carers, medical staff you brush up against on the caring road, etc. Do not darken today worrying about where you will be next year.
3) Think about yourself. You are suddenly taking a lot on in a Covid19 worrying world any way. Sit down and reflect the emotional jolt you are experiencing. In any other adventure in life no one can fully predict the future eg employment, general health, kids, etc. Caring is more unpredictable than most. If you say hold on I am not a carer sorry but your being here states that you are. Whether it is helping with shopping, arranging and getting your mum to appointments, sorting prescriptions, etc, or more intense efforts it is caring. When I was first referred to at a hospital appointment as the primary carer it felt odd, but you get use to it. Just remember you can only do it if you are in good shape physically, mentally and emotionally. Very easy to just focus on the needs of the PWD, easy but wrong. Ensure you look out for yourself as time goes on.
4) I am useless at tech so cannot give you a link. Search for the thread Compassionate Communication, it will help. Early on try and use it with an open mind. White lies, love lies, distraction, saying nevertheless not no, etc, might seem wrong but use what works. Caring is about compromise, balancing competing objectives, accepting things will gradually get worst but you will gradually get better at dealing with them, that excellence is not required that goof enough will do, that uncomfortable, challenging, anxious moments will happen as the new normal, so just greet them as new companions in your life but not as dominant ones in your thoughts.

Hope some of the above will be of help. Most of all use this forum. I have found it very helpful. Lots of experience to draw on, from people in the know, who are not judgemental. Your finding your feet, things are uncertain, but you know what so is life without Dementia. At all times remember by helping your mum you are part of the solution not the problem. You might make genuine mistakes, get annoyed at times and regret it later. All part of the human condition, how we learn, not something to beat ourselves up about. Good luck with the future, an unknown country for which there is no map.
Thank you
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
118,199
Messages
1,730,104
Members
69,062
Latest member
dpdurham