1. Nanjan

    Nanjan Registered User

    Feb 5, 2016
    4
    Hi there, my mum was diagnosed with mild dementia last Nov. Already we've been on a bit of a roller coaster but I'm learning fast. Mum lives alone since dad died October 14. I live over 80 miles away and rely on public transport to get to see her. With social services and drs support I have a lot in place regarding her care and my peace of mind. Most of her physical needs are being met and Im hoping she'll soon get some day care to help with mental and emotional needs as she's lonely and bored. My problem is that my suggestions to her to help stop being bored are always rejected. She's not a reader. Can't or won't follow films. She hates talking on the phone. It hurts to think she just sits but she is unable to help herself and I feel useless. She has been attending CST for 2 morning a week. Mum told me that she didn't like going , saying it wasnt her thing. Yet when I spoke to the staff there they said she'd loved it-and didn't want to leave! I can't help thinking that some of mums actions are ....how can I say it......fabricated? The doc told me that she will do whatever is necessary to get by. I feel at times that mum is playing a part of her idea of an old lady with dementia. How does one deal with the ups and downs, the moods and anquish she seems to suffer? I try to tell myself she's physically not in pain and Im doing what I can but she's saying she's only happy when Im there. I hate thinking she's so sad but can I ever change it? Its helped just voicing my worries I guess. Thanks
     
  2. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    Hello

    Hi Nanjan

    I see this is your first post so I wanted to say hi and welcome to TP. You will find so much support on TP. It has helped me so much since I joined, just to let of steam, voice my thoughts and know that people understand and are going through, or have been through the same as me, it's invaluable!

    It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job so far getting the right support in place to help your mum. I've just got my mum to attend a luncheon club run by age concern and discovered it's a lifesaver. My mum doesn't want to go to her new club, but I've told her that her consultant has said she must help herself by socialising more. Mum has accepted so far that she should do as he's suggested all be it reluctantly. Maybe this is something you could put to your mum too if she's reluctant to go to her "club"?

    When you say I feel at times that mum is playing a part of her idea of an old lady with dementia, I can only say without knowing your mum I doubt it's an act. If your mum is even slightly like mine she'll be adept at pulling at your heartstrings. My mum can no longer remember her address, some of the family and has asked me on occasion who I am (I am her sole carer and live with her) yet she can manipulate like there is no tomorrow. I've no idea how she does it, but dementia certainly seems to have honed her skills in this respect!
     
  3. Nanjan

    Nanjan Registered User

    Feb 5, 2016
    4
    Thanks

    Thanks for that- yes im hoping she will go to some "club " somewhere sometime. Being so far away though means she'll have to travel alone- she has already once turned away hospital transport cos she didn't know what it was for or what to do . When I called her later she said she was waiting for transport to her club. I don't know how to get help to accompany and encourage her. The luncheon club sound great -I will be looking into it. Thanks!
     
  4. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,908
    Female
    Scotland
    Many of the day centres have their own minibus and pick clients up at their front door. Speak to social services about your Mums needs.
     
  5. Lavender45

    Lavender45 Registered User

    Jun 7, 2015
    1,598
    Liverpool
    I'm not sure if you have carers going I at the moment. My first thought is would it be possible to organise a morning carer, the carer could then ensure your mum was up and ready to go to her "club", it might also give you peace of mind knowing that she is being checked on daily. My other thought is that you ring her to prepare her first thing in the morning, though to be honest I think there might be drawbacks to that as she could just say no. I think its harder to say no when someone is in front of you offering encouragement.

    I'm learning fast that there is a world of difference between what is good for mum and what she wants and to overrule her when its for her own good. I've leant the hard way that it's easiest to blame a 3rd party, in our case mum's consultant, mum you have to go because your consultant said it was important. If your mum remains reluctant try the same tactic, it's easier for them to be the bad guy not you and it's a figure of authority making it more likely your mum (like mine praise be) will listen.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.