hello again

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
122
Hello everyone

Happy New Year to all!

I have been away for a while as things had ground to an unfortunate halt with my dear old mum who turned 94 in December. No change, still living on her own, refusing all help but she does amazingly well.

Please can I ask for some advice?

Mum has stopped leaving her bungalow as of June 2019 - mainly because she is very unsteady on her feet and just walk more than a few paces - from her bedroom, to the living room, kitchen, bathroom and back again. She has glaucoma for which she has eye drops but I'm not sure if she is using them. I'm still ordering her food from Sainsburys and generally visit her once a week (I live next door but most of my time is taken up running my business). My brother lives a long way away but runs her bungalow and I tend to deal with emergencies. I am finding it increasingly difficult to be around to help out much as I have my own home to run and a demanding business. I do socialise once a week.

Both my brother and me have POA but he looks after Mum's finances and he is very meticulous about keeping records and I trust him 100%. We have a system where he pays me back for any money I've spent on Mum's behalf.

Mum has un diagnosed Dementia although a paramedic visited Mum last year and said that she has capacity but she cannot remember anything and can barely look after herself. She is continent (but has the odd accident), barely eats anything (she is very frail), very deaf, poor eyesight.

Something very sad happened over Christmas when Mum came to my house for lunch. She was so upset that she hadn't sent any Christmas cards or bought any presents and I don't have the time to get them for her. Most of Christmas day was taken up with Mum haranguing me that my brother (her son) has taken all of her money and that she has nothing. This went on for hours (in front of my daughters) and Mum grew more and more upset. It didn't matter how much I told her that her son was trustworthy and had her best interests at heart she wouldn't listen to me. I know it's the dementia talking but it was heartbreaking. I kept telling her to call my brother but, for some reason she refused. I rang her the next day and again Mum went on accusing my brother of taking over her finances, refusing her money, that she had nothing, no cash, this went on for hours.

In the end I contacted my brother (tactfully) and he said that he'd had no call from his mum regarding money and that she only had to ask him and he would send her some cash. I felt like 'piggy in the middle'. My brother was pretty miffed as he had spent most of the day after boxing day sourcing a new microwave for mum because she'd set fire to her previous new one and an electrician had to come out. The burnt jacket potatoes were thrown in the garden! My brother has promised Mum he will send some cash - although she doesn't go anywhere but has this fantasy about getting a taxi to her bank to sort out a cheque book.

Today things have taken a turn for the worse for Mum. I have had visitors to my house all day (I work from home). I had a phone call this morning to from her saying that she had no electrics. I told her that I was tied up all day and could she call my brother and that he would help - he does things remotely for her. Mum got really arsy with me and put the phone down on me. Then the phone kept ringing all day and I could see Mum's bungalow in darkness in the evening but there was nothing I could do. After my last client left at 5 pm I called Mum still no electrician and no call to my brother...why? I do not know...Mum just says she doesn't like to bother him..being so far away.

I went and got some fish and chips (Mum's favourite) and called in to see Mum and there she was, sitting in the dark with two ancient candles, coat on in a freezing cold bungalow. It was too late to get an electrician out tonight so I brought her back to mine. I will sort out an electrician tomorrow but I have appointments all day so it's going to be difficult. I felt so sorry for her. She could not eat the fish and chips and started feeling sick. This happened at Christmas where she vomited and the Christmas before that. The food just seems to get stuck - she says.

It was hell trying get Mum out of her bungalow in the dark - she fell over a couple of times and just could not get herself up but refused my help. I could get out of her front door because it was locked and we had to negotiate going across her back garden in the dark to my car. She said she was frightened and felt dizzy. I then took her back to her bungalow but she could barely walk from my house to the car, gripped my arm and was staggering around. I had to manhandle her into my car and drive her next door.

I finally got Mum back to her bungalow after struggling in the dark. Bungalow freezing cold, two little candles had been left lit. I checked that she had some food in the fridge but fridge not working. Then something strange happened. Mum suddenly got a burst of energy and we spent over an hour searching for her handbag in the bungalow. By this time I was exhausted - after a full day's work. She wouldn't let me go and I had to follow her around with a torch whilst she searched in every nook and cranny...no handbag any where. I'm used to it and have a lot of patience.

I left and have just got back - I can still see Mum from my window - wandering around her stone cold, dark bungalow with the torch I gave her looking for her handbag.

I know (from bitter experience) that telling my brother will not make any difference he maintains that its her choice if she refuses to wear a careline necklace and refuses care of any sort. Social care and GP say that they will be 'there like a shot' if anything happens. Presumably that means Mum lying on the floor helpless for days?

I will be moving this year because of finances (I can't afford to live in my house and need to find somewhere smaller) and I'm a little concerned what will happen to Mum. If I hadn't been around tonight Mum would not have eaten all day. I will stay in the same town but will not be next door to keep any eye on her.

Is this enough to sway social care/gp that Mum is very vulnerable or am I flogging a dead horse?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated.
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
1,613
No change, still living on her own, refusing all help but she does amazingly well.
Apologies for being a bit blunt but based on what you have said it doesn't sound to me like your Mum is doing 'amazingly well'. Personally I wouldn't hesitate to get both the GP and social services involved urgently. The fact that a paramedic said last year that she has capacity - but can't remember anything or look after herself - shouldn't be grounds for not getting your Mum some help.

She is possibly not taking her medicine, is hardly eating (seems to have problems swallowing), is dizzy, can barely walk, won't be able to get up if she falls, has set fire to the microwave and is lighting candles. She is clearly vulnerable and at risk of harm. Although she is refusing help there comes a time when a persons needs are more important than their wants and your Mum is clearly at risk.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,490
Yorkshire
To be quite honest @MrsChristmas I'd be on to the emergency number for Adult Services... your mum is a vulnerable adult alone in a house without electricity so is at risk in the dark and in winter temperatures... she set fire to a microwave so was at risk of harm and is having trouble eating so is at risk of neglect
 

margherita

Registered User
May 30, 2017
2,473
Italy, Milan and Acqui Terme
In my opinion, your mum needs being cared for either at her place or in a care home.
She doesn't want any help , you say, but she seems unable to go on living on her own.
As I have read here on TP , we should do what they need, not what they want.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,150
Hello everyone

Happy New Year to all!

I have been away for a while as things had ground to an unfortunate halt with my dear old mum who turned 94 in December. No change, still living on her own, refusing all help but she does amazingly well.

Please can I ask for some advice?

Mum has stopped leaving her bungalow as of June 2019 - mainly because she is very unsteady on her feet and just walk more than a few paces - from her bedroom, to the living room, kitchen, bathroom and back again. She has glaucoma for which she has eye drops but I'm not sure if she is using them. I'm still ordering her food from Sainsburys and generally visit her once a week (I live next door but most of my time is taken up running my business). My brother lives a long way away but runs her bungalow and I tend to deal with emergencies. I am finding it increasingly difficult to be around to help out much as I have my own home to run and a demanding business. I do socialise once a week.

Both my brother and me have POA but he looks after Mum's finances and he is very meticulous about keeping records and I trust him 100%. We have a system where he pays me back for any money I've spent on Mum's behalf.

Mum has un diagnosed Dementia although a paramedic visited Mum last year and said that she has capacity but she cannot remember anything and can barely look after herself. She is continent (but has the odd accident), barely eats anything (she is very frail), very deaf, poor eyesight.

Something very sad happened over Christmas when Mum came to my house for lunch. She was so upset that she hadn't sent any Christmas cards or bought any presents and I don't have the time to get them for her. Most of Christmas day was taken up with Mum haranguing me that my brother (her son) has taken all of her money and that she has nothing. This went on for hours (in front of my daughters) and Mum grew more and more upset. It didn't matter how much I told her that her son was trustworthy and had her best interests at heart she wouldn't listen to me. I know it's the dementia talking but it was heartbreaking. I kept telling her to call my brother but, for some reason she refused. I rang her the next day and again Mum went on accusing my brother of taking over her finances, refusing her money, that she had nothing, no cash, this went on for hours.

In the end I contacted my brother (tactfully) and he said that he'd had no call from his mum regarding money and that she only had to ask him and he would send her some cash. I felt like 'piggy in the middle'. My brother was pretty miffed as he had spent most of the day after boxing day sourcing a new microwave for mum because she'd set fire to her previous new one and an electrician had to come out. The burnt jacket potatoes were thrown in the garden! My brother has promised Mum he will send some cash - although she doesn't go anywhere but has this fantasy about getting a taxi to her bank to sort out a cheque book.

Today things have taken a turn for the worse for Mum. I have had visitors to my house all day (I work from home). I had a phone call this morning to from her saying that she had no electrics. I told her that I was tied up all day and could she call my brother and that he would help - he does things remotely for her. Mum got really arsy with me and put the phone down on me. Then the phone kept ringing all day and I could see Mum's bungalow in darkness in the evening but there was nothing I could do. After my last client left at 5 pm I called Mum still no electrician and no call to my brother...why? I do not know...Mum just says she doesn't like to bother him..being so far away.

I went and got some fish and chips (Mum's favourite) and called in to see Mum and there she was, sitting in the dark with two ancient candles, coat on in a freezing cold bungalow. It was too late to get an electrician out tonight so I brought her back to mine. I will sort out an electrician tomorrow but I have appointments all day so it's going to be difficult. I felt so sorry for her. She could not eat the fish and chips and started feeling sick. This happened at Christmas where she vomited and the Christmas before that. The food just seems to get stuck - she says.

It was hell trying get Mum out of her bungalow in the dark - she fell over a couple of times and just could not get herself up but refused my help. I could get out of her front door because it was locked and we had to negotiate going across her back garden in the dark to my car. She said she was frightened and felt dizzy. I then took her back to her bungalow but she could barely walk from my house to the car, gripped my arm and was staggering around. I had to manhandle her into my car and drive her next door.

I finally got Mum back to her bungalow after struggling in the dark. Bungalow freezing cold, two little candles had been left lit. I checked that she had some food in the fridge but fridge not working. Then something strange happened. Mum suddenly got a burst of energy and we spent over an hour searching for her handbag in the bungalow. By this time I was exhausted - after a full day's work. She wouldn't let me go and I had to follow her around with a torch whilst she searched in every nook and cranny...no handbag any where. I'm used to it and have a lot of patience.

I left and have just got back - I can still see Mum from my window - wandering around her stone cold, dark bungalow with the torch I gave her looking for her handbag.

I know (from bitter experience) that telling my brother will not make any difference he maintains that its her choice if she refuses to wear a careline necklace and refuses care of any sort. Social care and GP say that they will be 'there like a shot' if anything happens. Presumably that means Mum lying on the floor helpless for days?

I will be moving this year because of finances (I can't afford to live in my house and need to find somewhere smaller) and I'm a little concerned what will happen to Mum. If I hadn't been around tonight Mum would not have eaten all day. I will stay in the same town but will not be next door to keep any eye on her.

Is this enough to sway social care/gp that Mum is very vulnerable or am I flogging a dead horse?

Your thoughts would be much appreciated.
I seem to remember that in previous posts, you've said that your brother involves mum in every decision making process and won't consider "love lies " so as her response is always no, nothing changes. I agree with other posters, your mum needs to have 24/7 supervision, either at home or in full time care .
 

Raindancer11

New member
Apr 6, 2018
7
Hi - in all honesty it does sound like your mum needs a care package in place, whether she wants it or not. My mum lives at home but has a wonderful carer that goes in three times a day - she does her shopping, cooks her food, gives her meds and makes time to talk to her. She's quite happily tell people that no one helps her and strange people go in take her money etc ( not true of course) but her face lights up when her carer arrives. I live 2 hours away but the carer has my mobile and texts me regularly with updates. It really would be the best option for you and your mum, unless your circumstances have changed since your initial post and you might consider that a care home would be the best option. Either way your mum will be cared for and you will have peace of mind that she is not in a vulnerable position anymore.