Hello again and an update

[Netty]

Hello all, if anyone remembers me i posted a little while back about our plans for moving my mother up to our cottage next to our house. I have not been around for a while as I lost my internet access when we moved back into the house folloing its renovations and have only this week sorted it out.

Anyway, We moved mam up here must be about 2,and a half months ago now and things are swinging from her being happy and appreciating that she could no longer live on her own, to having serious outbursts of screaming and shouting and hysterical crying.

She has been fixated on the ceiling in the cottage as she doesn't like it. OK no problem, we asked a builder to come see if anything could be done to change it, once that was sorted she now informs us she doesn't like the shower....She complained that her dogs could get out under our gates so we fenced her patio area off to keep them secure, now she's complaining they have no where to go.....Just 2 examples of a long list, but I'm sure you get the picture. Just when we sort one thing out, she moves the goal posts.

Our concerns about her living alone were confirmed when we began to go through her old house. It became obvious that she has not been managing for a very long time.

I stupidly thought before we moved her in, that we would be able to keep on top of things in the cottage when she moved up. How wrong I was. She wont let us do anything to help and the place is going down hill rapidly. I have no concerns for the cottage, but the though of her living like this is heart breaking.

Both the nurses and ourselves have concerns that she is not taking her medication properly, and they asked if I would have it and just give her it in daily amounts. We had the week from hell until we gave it back. They also suggested meals on wheels as she is not remembering to eat. They lasted 2 days before she cancelled it. She was coming over to the house for supper with us, which was better than nothing, but she now refuses to do this too.

But to top it all, she informed my sister this morning that she is moving out. Want's to be in a place with straight walls (We have stone walls in the cottage!).

I telephoned her nurse to see what support there is available if she does go and live alone again and was told meals on wheels, home care, someone to watch over her when she takes her tablets. But if she won't let them come in (No way on this earth is she going to let anyone do that) then there's nothing they can do full stop.

I feel such a failure. I dread to think what will happen to her on her own, but just don't know how to stop her. Not helped by her sister and brother both saying I can't let her go back on her own again. No pressure there then!

Sorry for the whinge, there's no point to this post really, but just needed to get it off my chest.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Netty.

You are not the failure, you`ve done everything possible to make things easier for your mother and I`m really sorry it hasn`t worked out.

It is the illness that has let you down. You have thought things out with a logical mind, your dear mother is unable to be on the same wavelength and has put many illogical barriers in the way of her settling.

I wish I could suggest something to make it better but I can`t. I hope someone else will have some ideas for you.

All I can say is agree with her as much as you can, but it doesn`t necessarily mean you have to keep altering things to suit her. Whatever you do will be wrong. Just agree and say you`ll get whatever she complains about seen to. If she keeps on complaining, tell her how hard it is to get reliable workmen.

I hope she settles soon and lets you get some help in for her.

Love xx

 

[j.j]

hello netty , there is a point to your post, it is hard to jump through hoops to make things work for it all to come tumbling down but we care so we do, it gets so hard sometimes when our loved ones are fighting us all the way, well not us directly just this awful disease, we understand and gain strength through sharing, x

 

[alfjess]

Hi

I echo what Syvia has said.

Agree and say you will see to it, but also say it will be very expensive and you will have to save the money, before you can do whatever it is.

We did the same as you for my Mum, but fix something and there was always something else, in her eyes, wrong.

Take care
Alfjess

 

[Cate]

Hi Netty

I may be way off the mark here, but I think mum is just generally unsettled, and would be where ever she moved to.

I agree with what others have already said, agree with it all, but using stalling tactics.

When mum mentions another move, you may like to consider telling her that the builders, plumbers etc., are in doing repairs. You may find that she will eventually settle into the cottage, its early days yet, and yes she is finding fault with it all, but that could be just a cover up for fear of the unknown.

You have done a fantastic job, hang on in there, it may just all come ok in the end.

 

[Margarita]

ou may find that she will eventually settle into the cottage, its early days yet, and yes she is finding fault with it all, but that could be just a cover up for fear of the unknown.

I agree with that , my mother has had more then a few moves , and it always take a very long while to settle down , they need stability for a very long time , even thought they can still complain left right and centre, but do settle in the long run , if you stay strong with the advice in what to say, in what other had said in post in this thread

 

[Nell]

Just from observing my Mum, I think that there will always be "obsessions" - and that it won't be the answer to fix these. I know that won't stop you trying!! I bend over backwards to "fix" whatever Mum is obsessing about, but once "fixed" they often re-appear, altho' sometimes in a different form!! Also, new ones replace old ones constantly so it is like being on a merry-go-round - I just can never keep up!

Mum's present obsessions (and my responses in brackets!):
her hair - she isn't happy with her hairstyle (booked in at hairdresser at earliest possible appointment!)
her teeth - the dentures are making her mouth sore (took her to dentist who checked her very carefully and couldn't find any problems. Mum: Oh well, they are all right today!!)
Dad's grave - wants to visit (until we get ready to go, then says she doesn't feel up to it)
Visiting my sister's new house - (Yes! This one IS possible and we are taking her there next week!)
Her own funeral - how will it be paid?? (We go over this every visit at least 3 times - I explain that her funeral is prepaid and my sister or I will cover anything else needed - and yes Mum, we'll reimburse ourselves from your estate! )

I mention this because I think you will possibly find with your Mum that you can never "fix" the problems. They seem to come from a sense of anxiety that is part of the illness. The person just attaches the anxiety to whatever she / he is thinking about at that time and it becomes the current obsession.

I know this is of very little help. Sorry!! Wish I had a "magic" answer for you.

 

[Lonestray]

Home

Hello Netty, I went through years of my wife Jean, wanting and trying to go home.
She's had seven moves between the seventh and eight year of this illness. Only one was my decisions alone, the others were on the advice of SS and medical staff etc. The one decision to move her here our new house, sold our home, was mine. By now I knew what she longed for was sense of belonging and in our case it meant us being together.
This is a very stressful time for you and many others, a time you can't think clearly, often through lack of sleep and worry. As Cate says all the changes you make will not change her state of mind. More than 12yrs on, I now know Jean feels safest when she's in my arms. It's easier to keep telling her how much she means to me, I'll never let her go and thank her for all she has done for me, than changing her surrounds. Often as I kiss her good night and tell her "thanks for a lovley day" she'll smile and that's priceless.
I'm left thinking could all what we perceive as complaining is simlply attension seeking? There's so very much I'd have done differently if I knew then, what I have learned since. That is the reason I came on the internet a year ago, to see how others cope or not. Hope this is food for thought. Padraig.

 

[Netty]

Thank you all so very very much. You are all so right.

I think both my sister and I have realised that we are never going to please her. We have, this weekend, tried to make the change from bending over backwards and pandering to her every whim, to calling her bluff in a way. Helen said yesterday that as she is obviously so unhappy here that we may as well start looking for houses straight away for her. All of a sudden being here (in a cottage with wonky walls!) wasn't so bad!

The hardest thing is trying to convince everyone else that bowing to her every whim is not workng.

Thank you all again for your support, you have no idea how much better I feel reading your kind messages.

Sorry got to cut it short, both my little girls calling for a wee on the potty!!

 

[Nebiroth]

There's no point in trying to "fix" the problems, as mum will just come up with something else. This is easy because she just makes things up to suit herself.

You'll run yourselves ragged and spend a fortune trying to keep up, and there's never an end to it, as mum will - as you say - constantly move the goalposts away.

Sadly it's like a child who is determined to have a "bad birthday" because they've been told there's something they can't have or can't do, so they will spend the entire time being determinedly unhappy and finding fault.

It sounds cruel, but perhaps it is time to say "If you are so unhappy in the cottage perhaps you should consider moving into a care home"

 

[Netty]

My sister (bless her!) did suggest sheltered accomodation. Think that's the reason that there's now no hury to move from here!

You are absolutely right, we are running ourselves ragged by trying to keep up. Sometimes to the detrement of our own families.

This weekend I have pretty much left her to her own devices. She had a face down to her boots because I think (as someone previously suggested) she hasn't had the attention. But although I feel so guilty doing this to her, I also feel much better and on top of things. For the moment at least!

I think another thing I am also struggling with is appreciating that it is the illness not Mam being akward. Its such a shock to hear her speaking to us like she does as she was always so kind, quiet and gentle. And at the end of the day, she is my mother and I am finding the role reversal quite difficult to accept.

Thank you all once again.