1. Dorothy123

    Dorothy123 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015
    Where do I start?!. My mom is 82 and has early onset vascular dementia - poor mobility and incontinence issues. She moved to a very nice highly rated expensive residential care home from sheltered accomodation in May as she had many falls there and the care home management were aware of these issues when she was assessed. A couple of weeks ago I was spoken to by a senior carer about moms behaviour - she said she was snappy and refusing help to wash/dress etc. I was totally surprised by this but could understand the refusal of help as she always has been very independant. They said she tells the carers to go away and doesnt need help and they cannot do anything about it. Surely if the staff are trained correctly they should be able to deal with this and must have come across this before?.
    I said I would try and speak to mom about this and she just agrees to accept help but obviously forgets when it comes to it!. Apparently some days she will accept help no problem. A week later i was called into the mgmt office who basically said they could not deal with these issues anymore and had exhausted every option with mom - she has had many accidents on the carpet in her room mainly at night and the odour was so bad they had to replace the carpet. She said they 'dont do odour' and they had never had this problem and she had had complaints from residents etc. There was also her 'aggressive' behaviour to staff and refusing help and her low mood and not wanting to be in the care home. I could not beleive this - there was no empathy for mom and her 'problems' it seemed they did not want this 'hassle'. They state its the home policy not to have commodes in rooms during the day and the use of a wheelchair is kept to a limit so as not to 'institutionalise' residents and promote independant living!. My mom struggles horrendously walking the long corridor to her room and quite often says she is going to fall - she has a degenerative spine and arthritis but rarely do they offer to use the wheelchair until we ask. They say she 'puts it on' when we are there!. As a family we cannot believe what is being said to us. Also we have been told mom is not bad enough to go onto the dementia unit upstairs but yet her behaviour has deteriorated and she has all these issues according to them. They say she knows what she is doing in some ways. I must say we have never seen any of this behaviour - yes she gets frustrated because she cannot walk and sometimes irritable but never once have i seen her 'aggressive' or nasty etc. I go daily to see her so do spend a lot of time with her. This is only just some of the issues I have mentioned.
    Any advice would be greatfully received!.
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Welcome to TP :)

    If it was me I would look for a new home that could care for your mum's needs properly.

    my dad behaves in different ways to different people & your mum could be doing that.
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    A warm welcome to TP Dorothy 123.
    Sounds as though your poor mum and you are really being put through the ringer and after you clearly have worked so hard to find the best place for your mum to be looked after.
    My dad is in a a care home (on the dementia floor) and there is nothing in your mum's behaviour that isn't reflected in the residents on his floor, and all is dealt with, with compassion and efficiency.
    So I am sorry you are facing such responses from the staff at the home. They seem to be putting the 'policy' before the person - and personally I am shocked at what has been said to you and what they won't do. Dementia friendly or even aware they are not.
    And to be honest - even if they believe your mother is doing anything deliberately - it is their responsibility to deal respectfully with her. You were upfront about her situation, so they were not kept in the dark. You may, too, though consider that she may behave differently when you are not there (whatever the reason, frustration, deterioration in her condition ... that's something to look into) BUT the staff ought still to be able to offer support rather than criticism.
    Sorry - rambling
    Maybe call for a re-assessment of her needs and care plan, with any SS or CPN or GP etc in attendance and have these issues raised and responded to with people other than just the care home staff in attendance. Maybe write a very calm letter to all involved just listing out your 'observations' (with dates and brief description if poss) and send it before the meeting so GP etc know what you want to be discussed.
    Maybe start looking for somewhere else for your mother - now you have a very clear idea of your priorities, the kinds of questions to ask and what to look for; somewhere they sensibly put down washable but non slip flooring in bedrooms and where staff interact with the residents, get to know their individual needs and provide for them.
    All of this is just my thoughts
    Have a good mooch round the various threads on TP and you'll read some thoughtful and caring posts from people who are in this strange world with us.
    Best wishes
  4. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    Welcome to Talking Point Dorothy.

    A residential home is not the right place for your Mum now she has progressed.

    You need a home that understands dementia and all the problems that go with it. No home will be able to force anyone to do anything but they should not be taking no as an answer. They can be encouraging and asking at regular intervals. I don't want a cup of tea now, but ask me in an hour and I will probably say yes.

    The incontinence should not be a problem to a home that understands dementia and wheelchairs should always be available, even to those who walk well. There are days when a little help might be needed and a wheelchair necessary. You will probably find in a home that will suit your Mum will not have carpet. My husband's nursing home has a washable floor covering that is not cold either to touch or to look at. Accdents are dealt with straight away and there has never been a smell.

    My husband is in a nursing home that deals with dementia with challenging behaviour. There are two men on his floor that at times are extremely challenging and in fact receive 1:1 care as do several others. It is amazing how different they act when a visitor comes. One wife comes about an hour after I arrive and her husband changes immediately, she has never seen him challenging. We both visit daily.

    I hope you can find a home that can look after your Mum and cover her needs. A care home should assess your Mum to make sure they can meet her needs and you should be able to put your thoughts forward. They should also consult the management of the residential home too and look at the care plan in place.
  5. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Is this a residential home where most of the residents don't have dementia? It sounds like it.
    A care home specialising in dementia should be able to cope with what you describe. I would honestly start looking. By a certain stage of dementia an ordinary residential home may often not be enough, even if it's 'just' because the person is in and out of other people's rooms, or bothering them in some way. We had to move an aunt for this reason - she had not been too bad when she went in, and they had told us from the start that she might have to move eventually.

    We had huge problems getting my mother to shower or have a wash, and most of the time would give up, but her specialist dementia home always seemed to manage it fine - all the residents (many with pretty bad dementia) were always clean and tidy.
  6. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    East Kent
    Hello Dorothy , Welcome from me.
    Oh dear , well recommended, expensive but seemingly totally lacking in dementia awareness and hardly a caring environment either, seems they want the £s but not any bother it also seems they are not interested in person cantered care either but prefer a one size fits all .

    None of the behaviours you have mentioned are abnormal for Some people with Dementia.

    If I were you I would start looking for somewhere else.

    Their is a place near me they charge around £1500 per week, it too comes well recommended but I know someone who worked there who left because he couldn't stand the way he was expected to treat people.

    Good luck, lets us know how you get on.

  7. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Hello and welcome :)

    The manageress really has no idea about dementia. It sounds like it is a residential home catering for people who do not have dementia - even if they say that they accept them. The problems that your mum have are very common and staff with dementia training would know this and have some compassion.

    Expensive homes are not always the best for dementia. People with dementia are not always aware of the decor (my mum is completely oblivious) and a homely atmosphere with genuinely caring staff is, IMO, more important. Mums CH is a dementia unit - a bit scruffy round the edges, but she is happy there and the staff know how to cope with her.

    Another vote here for looking at other homes.
  8. cragmaid

    cragmaid Registered User

    Oct 18, 2010
    North East England
    #8 cragmaid, Oct 2, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2015
    This is obviously a "Residential Home" and not a CAREHome!

    Vote with your legs....and find somewhere more caring, even if it is a bit more shabby.
    No wheelchairs because it makes " them" more institutionalised:eek::eek::eek::eek: This is BS and bullying......
    and I don't believe they have never had someone pee on the floor, or smell or be agressive before....well not unless they only opened this week!:mad::mad:

    Forgot to say, in my indiignation, Hello and welcome to TP. :D
  9. Tin

    Tin Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Cragmaid taken the words right out of my mouth, thank god.
  10. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    Hi and welcome to TP I can't believe a care home could be so uncaring I would certainly look for somewhere else my OH care home is a bit shabby in places but the caring atmosphere is what counts the things you describe are quite common and are dealt with in a caring compassionate manner xx
  11. Dorothy123

    Dorothy123 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015

    Hi Cat

    Thank you for responding - I appreciate it but I fear yet another move would totally confuse her but the way things are going it seems we may have no other option as it really does seem the management of this home and also head office do not want her there. It is baffling and very annoying to us as a family that they can do this.
  12. Dorothy123

    Dorothy123 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015

    Thanks for your comments - I am so upset and also angry that this is happening. All we wanted was the best for mom.
    I totally agree regarding the home putting 'policies' before anything else - when a bed rail was suggested the DOLS act was thrown at us but they werent prepared for us knowing that if a referral is made then this can be put into place - till then it was a no!. A psychiatrist is visiting mom this week so we will see what comes from this. According to the home mom isnt bad enough to be moved to the dementia floor but cannot suggest where she goes next!.
  13. Dorothy123

    Dorothy123 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015

    Thankyou for responding - the home has a dementia floor above but they are saying mom is not at that stage as most of the time she is absolutely fine. I do fear that if she moves then this may make her worse.
    We keep being told they are 'residential' but the title of the home has 'care home' in it and they have residents who have nursing needs and residents that are bed ridden.
    They have bluntly told us that they have residents who are doubly incontinent and they have never had this problem before which I find amazing.
  14. Dorothy123

    Dorothy123 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015

    It is a residential home as they keep stating but has 'care home' in their title and also a dementia floor above. They have stated that they have even asked the staff from the dementia floor to come and try and assist mom but to no avail. I find this extremely unlikey but only have their word for this.
  15. Dorothy123

    Dorothy123 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015

    Totally agree about the £'s being more important - this is what we are feeling. Dont get me wrong the general care by day to day carers that I have seen seems very good but its the decisions from above that seem pretty callous and reluctant to offer further help.
  16. Dorothy123

    Dorothy123 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015
    Yes we did wonder about this when we chose the home - the decor is lovely but is the care so good?.
  17. Dorothy123

    Dorothy123 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015

    i totally agree with your comments - thankyou!.
  18. Dorothy123

    Dorothy123 Registered User

    Oct 2, 2015

    We cant either - as I said in a previous post though the day to day general care seems good but these decisions are obviously management made and although they patronisingly insist they are doing everything possible to help my mom not one person I have spoken to about all this think they are!.
    Thanks for your comments!.

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