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Degu: I completely relate to the anger and the nasty remarks. My mother will often accuse me of lying but over silly things. For example: she will say is it cold over at your apartment (flat), and I will say no. then she will say "well you are a liar because your hubby told me it was cold over there". I then figured out that he had meant a day ago". So, it is this confused reasoning process that is at work. I have found myself in arguments where I try to explain that I am not being nasty. Now I am finally, not always, learning to just say "okay" or to leave. There is no other way. They do not understand and we are trying because we want them BACK. We want them well again and talking to us they way they always did. I think this is my denial, even though I don't think I am in denial, I am. Because I am trying to get her BACK to the Mom I used to know. And yes,, I remember journaling than even innocuous things will set her off.
How to deal with it? Great question. Not easy. I think I am learning, but I have setbacks to agree, not try to reason or explain, let it go, walk away, hang up the phone by saying goodbye. I think I made a huge breakthrough with the last remark where she said "you are only good for material things". I was angry and hurt for two days. Then I confronted her (bad mistake). At first, she admitted to saying it and told me not to be so sensitive, BUT, the very next day, she said something, and I realized that she never remembered saying it at all and must have been trying to cover up for not remembering. Because she said "I would never say a thing like that to you. You are good ,etc. The point is that we cannot fight with them because we are fighting with their disease when we do that. I don't know if this makes any sense at all, but we cannot fight an illness of the brain. It's taking me almost two years (not sure anymore) to even start to understand that I have to respond differently for her sake and for mine. Not easy. We need do this for our sanity and because we love them. I don't have the answers.
I think those of us new to this and maybe the seasoned people here all need a supportive thread for our own survival. We are grieving. Yes, I think that is what it is. I read the thread on Anticipatory Grieving and that is exactly how I feel. Exactly.
My Thanks again and hope to hear more from all of you.
Ann
