Heartbroken - feel like walking away

JHA

Registered User
Aug 7, 2021
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Some of you will already have read my previous threads. My mom has LWD and is currently in a respite bed at a local care home - she has been there for nearly two weeks.

I had to do something to keep her safe as I could not be in two places at once. I had spent nearly 8 days/nights with her (she lived alone, refused to fund carers) and had wandered out of the house in the middle of the night. The police picked her up and took her home and called me as they had my details from when she went AWOL from the local hospital in July. She went into the care home willingly, signed the paperwork and I left her - I am not quite sure what 'love lies' I told as I had reached breaking point and knew that I could not carry on any longer and although Crisis, a Mental Health consultant and her GP were involved they just kept telling me a plan will be made tomorrow. This started early hours 23 December and I finally put her into respite on the 29th.

I do not have POA yet it should be granted the end of this month/beginning of February.

Today I phoned the care home to see how she was. Unfortunately rather than a carer telling me how things were they brought my mom to the phone and so the ranting started. She is finished with me for putting her there, she does not know why I would treat her like this, all I am after is her money, using her money etc etc she then walked away from the phone and continued to tell the carers how awful I was - she had not hung up so I literally heard everything including the carers agreeing with her.

Apparently I am keeping her bank card - yes I do have her bank card because she doesn't know how to use a cashpoint she always went into the bank and did things over the counter. Since Covid this has not been possible so she would ask me for cash from the cashpoint. Then she is telling them how good she has been to me etc etc amongst other things.

It was basically a stomach punch. I have always been there for her (I am an only child and my dad died over 30 years ago). Prior to Covid she was at my home more than her own and since the first Covid lockdown I am the only person who has made sure she is ok and since September I have been there every morning with two meals, washing, bits of shopping etc etc putting my own family second. In July she was hospitalised with delirium and went from the hospital into an assessment bed at a care home - at the beginning of September Social Services decided she could go home with a care package - within a month she had stopped the care package and everything was left to me.

My mom is not the easiest person to get on with, trust me we have had our differences but this horrid disease has brought out the worst in her and I am not sure I can deal with the low blows. I know she cannot help it but I do not think I have the strength to do it.
 

Violet Jane

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Aug 23, 2021
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I'm afraid that it may have reached the point where you can't speak to your mother any more, at least not for the time being. Her ranting down the phone at you is doing neither of you any good.

You need to have a firm word with the care home and tell them that when you ring them for information they are NOT to pass the phone to your mother. If they continue to do that you will put the phone down.

You may have to tell the home that you will decline all calls from your mother.

It's sad, but you can't go on taking these awful calls.

I wonder what SS are up to.
 

JHA

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Aug 7, 2021
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I'm afraid that it may have reached the point where you can't speak to your mother any more, at least not for the time being. Her ranting down the phone at you is doing neither of you any good.

You need to have a firm word with the care home and tell them that when you ring them for information they are NOT to pass the phone to your mother. If they continue to do that you will put the phone down.

You may have to tell the home that you will decline all calls from your mother.

It's sad, but you can't go on taking these awful calls.

I wonder what SS are up to.
SS were involved in July when I was reluctant to allow them to discharge her home directly from hospital with a care package. Eventually they sent her to an assessment bed then they decided she had capacity and let her go home with a temporary care package the beginning of September. Once she realised she had to pay for the care package (which she was adamant that she did not need) she made me ring to say they were no longer needed.

SS are in the background at the moment as she was referred to Crisis and the police referred her somewhere (they did mention MASH but I thought that was for children) when she was found in the early hours of the morning on the corner of the street.

The problem I have at the moment is I do not have POA and she wants to go home so I think SS need to intervene in some way to work out what happens next. The Manager at the care home is of the opinion that she is not safe to be home alone and the Mental Health consultant that came out to assess her prior to Xmas said she was incapacitated and needed either respite or 24/7 carers.
 

lemonbalm

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May 21, 2018
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I'm so sorry @JHA

I remember this so well from my own mum. She called me a traitor, told me to go and kill myself, sometimes just screamed (really screamed) at me. I don't post about that often (Mum has gone now and I suppose it feels a bit like a betrayal, which is ridiculous because none of it was her fault) but I am hoping it helps you to know that you are not alone. The thing is, I am still standing, I'm still here and with help from the care home staff and medication, mum wasn't like that all the time. You really can get through this.

The one closest to the person with dementia usually bears the brunt of all their frustration. The staff will have agreed with your mum to calm her. I agree that calls are not a good idea at present. Your mum may need a review of medication. Frequent reviews of medication did help with my mum. Don't be scared of medication. It can really help with aggression and anxiety.
 

Sarasa

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Apr 13, 2018
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Nottinghamshire
@JHA, I’d not phone for a couple of days and if the home phone you do as @Violet Jane says and refuse to talk to her. I had a few distressing calls with mum when she first went into care and she told everyone that would listen that my nasty boyfriend had stolen all her money and put her in the home. I guess the home were agreeing with her as they were trying to calm her down. I know my mother’s home spent a long time trying to explain in ways she’d understand that I was doing my best to look after her interests . I’m sure your mums home will do similar
Try not to dwell on it too much if you can. I hope the POA comes through soon and you get get a permanent place for your mum sorted.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
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South coast
Im so sorry.
Ive been there with the accusations and insults as well and many others on here have too.
Once mum settled in her care home, though, the paranoia went and mums old personality returned, so there is hope yet. You dont have to listen to all of that though. I agree that the best thing is not to talk to your mum at all for until she has settled. Please talk to the manager and ask that no none put your mum on the phone .
 

Pork Pie lady

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Mar 16, 2013
677
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Anglia
Just because you heard the carers agreeing with your mums criticisms it doesn't mean they believe it, they soon learn to take most things with a pinch of salt. Any carer will tell you that they regularly hear delusional people making this kind of claim and many others much worse. Usually the easiest path for them and the client is to agree rather than cause more stress.

It sounds to me like you are very fragile and won't be able to cope if mum is discharged from the home. Please think very carefully about this before making any decisions. It will be impossible to forget the bad things mum said but you need to remember that this disease causes people to lose their filters of appropriateness and often causes them to be very cruel.

If you say no to her going home you can always change your mind later but if she goes home and you can't cope you may find you may find you need the care of the mental health team as well. Right now you need to concentrate on looking after yourself and no that is not selfish.

I have found that you often have to be very forceful with social services in order to get what you need. If you feel you cannot do it any more you must tell them very firmly. Do you have a family member or close friend who can accompany you to any appointments/discussions to support you in this? Don't let the home, SS or anyone else pressurise you into agreeing to anything you are not absolutely sure you can cope with. You need to take time to recover from what you have already endured.

Could you get your GP to contact SS and tell them that you are only able to take on a limited amount of care without it negatively affecting your health?

Praying that you will make the right decisions at the right time.
 

Rosettastone57

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Oct 27, 2016
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My mother in law was like this. My husband refused to take any calls from her when she was in the care home. He would only speak to staff and if they passed the phone to her, he just ended the call. He just wasn't prepared to put up with her abuse.
 

Feeling unsupported

Registered User
Jul 9, 2021
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As others have said, it is not selfish to put your own well-being first. I'm sure you realise it is not your Mum, but this dreadful disease at the root of this. Nevertheless, you should not, and do not, have to put up with it. Please be kind to yourself. If by placing mum in a care home, you are keeping her safe and cared for, then you have done absolutely the right thing.
 

JHA

Registered User
Aug 7, 2021
727
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Just because you heard the carers agreeing with your mums criticisms it doesn't mean they believe it, they soon learn to take most things with a pinch of salt. Any carer will tell you that they regularly hear delusional people making this kind of claim and many others much worse. Usually the easiest path for them and the client is to agree rather than cause more stress.

It sounds to me like you are very fragile and won't be able to cope if mum is discharged from the home. Please think very carefully about this before making any decisions. It will be impossible to forget the bad things mum said but you need to remember that this disease causes people to lose their filters of appropriateness and often causes them to be very cruel.

If you say no to her going home you can always change your mind later but if she goes home and you can't cope you may find you may find you need the care of the mental health team as well. Right now you need to concentrate on looking after yourself and no that is not selfish.

I have found that you often have to be very forceful with social services in order to get what you need. If you feel you cannot do it any more you must tell them very firmly. Do you have a family member or close friend who can accompany you to any appointments/discussions to support you in this? Don't let the home, SS or anyone else pressurise you into agreeing to anything you are not absolutely sure you can cope with. You need to take time to recover from what you have already endured.

Could you get your GP to contact SS and tell them that you are only able to take on a limited amount of care without it negatively affecting your health?

Praying that you will make the right decisions at the right time.
Well the tears are well and truly flowing you have hit the nail right on the head. There is no way I can cope if she goes home. I gave it a go in September and was ready to admit defeat after the New Year but circumstances beat me to it. I was trying to look after my mom, her house and my own family/home. I felt like I was on a constant merry go round there was never enough time and I felt I was not doing anything well. Rubbish daughter, mother, wife etc.

Hopefully the care home and the mental health consultant are of the opinion that she cannot go home and I will oppose it to the extent that I will refuse to provide any care. Trouble is when she is in host mode she comes across as being quite with it so I might have a battle on my hands.

Thanks for listening I thought I had built a strong brick wall around everything that has gone on over the last few weeks/months but listening to her rant to the carers broke me.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
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Bristol
Sorry JHA, I've not seen your previous threads or posts, but it is so heartbreaking when the allegations start while you know they are untrue and you are doing your best to look after someone you love. What has clinched it for me with social services is the care at home agency saying they can't look after C and I certainly can't, so dig in your heels and insist your mum will be better looked after in a care or nursing home. If I could send strength for the battles ahead, I would.
 

taliahad

Registered User
Nov 22, 2021
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When my mum's behaving in a bad way towards me, I always try and remember that her real self would never, ever want to put me or any of her family through this. Dementia is the most cruel disease,
 

Tilly13

Registered User
Jul 27, 2020
173
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I am so sorry @JHA to hear that you are going through this.
I had similar from my Mum last March - the look of pure loathing as she shouted at me I will never forget.
But although like your Mom she's always been difficult this wasn't her it was her Dementia - but it is so very painful.
Mum was prescribed different medication and these outbursts did occur less often .
 

Violet Jane

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Aug 23, 2021
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Yes, you need to refuse to provide any care and that includes not being a contact for the care agency / carers, not taking phone calls at all times of the day and night, not going round to sort out problems and not shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. SS' care package must cover everything that your mother needs without any additional input from you. It won't, of course, because these care packages are pretty meagre and there are many things that the carers can't deal with eg medical appointments, problems with the house, financial matters.

If you are your mother's attorney for property and financial affairs then you should continue to manage her finances.
 

JanBWiltshire

Registered User
Jun 23, 2020
217
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Gloucestershire
I can completely understand how you feel and I have had this so often with my mother. It is so hurtful but so symptomatic of the disease, mixed in with historic personality traits.

When my mother was in hospital, I told them I could not cope with her and if they sent her home, they must take responsibility for it. I also said I wouldn’t collect her as I would have no part in facilitating a return home when it was clear it would be a disaster and impact me and also my very elderly father. I know SS tend to rely on any willing family so, going against my own normal instincts, I stated I couldn’t do it.

I have found less contact is definitely better and I am sure carers know the backlash against you is just your mother settling in - it is early days. My mother is settling well now it has been nearly four weeks and actually asked to go and have lunch with the other residents. So hold on in there, things can turn around and usually at the point where we are at our wits end!
 

notsogooddtr

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Jul 2, 2011
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Yes, you need to refuse to provide any care and that includes not being a contact for the care agency / carers, not taking phone calls at all times of the day and night, not going round to sort out problems and not shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. SS' care package must cover everything that your mother needs without any additional input from you. It won't, of course, because these care packages are pretty meagre and there are many things that the carers can't deal with eg medical appointments, problems with the house, financial matters.

If you are your mother's attorney for property and financial affairs then you should continue to manage her finances.
I did exactly this when my Mum was last in hospital. The SW was adamant that she had capacity to decide where she lived, I told him to rip up the care plan and start again with no input from me.
 

JanBWiltshire

Registered User
Jun 23, 2020
217
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Gloucestershire
I did exactly this when my Mum was last in hospital. The SW was adamant that she had capacity to decide where she lived, I told him to rip up the care plan and start again with no input from me.
I think this is definitely best way to go…. otherwise, our care just gets taken for granted and I personally found out I am certainly not the best person to care for my mother as I find it extremely distressing.
 

JHA

Registered User
Aug 7, 2021
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Thanks all for taking the time to comment and offer advice it is appreciated.

I still feel very emotional probably more so as my son is supposed to have a home visit from School Inclusion today and its not looking good at the moment. He has autism and struggles in a school setting to the extent that he copes for a little while then cannot cope so his solution to not coping is to refuse to attend.

In the past we have been made to force him in by either dragging/carrying but eventually it was decided if he did not go in willingly he did not go in at all. Now he is at Seniors sadly Covid prevented a good transition and his first year there was difficult as when he begun to settle they isolated again and to say the second year is not going well is an understatement. I feel awful because I have taken my eyes off him to sort my mom and now both of them need help and there is only me to do it. I am married but at times my husband is as much use as a chocolate teapot.

Sorry for going off topic but I really need to get it off my chest - my go to person, my best friend, sadly died at the end of 2020 and although my other friends will listen its not the same.

Guess I better check with the care home to see if my mom is OK - if they bring her to the phone she will be listening to the dial tone as I will not be speaking or listening to her.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
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Nottinghamshire
Concentrate on your son @JHA. Your mum is sorted for the time being , but it sounds like he needs all your energy at present. I hope you find a solution. Schools can be very bad places for people who are differently abled.
As for phoning the care home I suggest you don’t. If there is something you need to know they’ll phone you.
 

JHA

Registered User
Aug 7, 2021
727
0
Concentrate on your son @JHA. Your mum is sorted for the time being , but it sounds like he needs all your energy at present. I hope you find a solution. Schools can be very bad places for people who are differently abled.
As for phoning the care home I suggest you don’t. If there is something you need to know they’ll phone you.
I did phone the care home but told them I only wanted to speak to the carers not my mom. Spoke to one of them and apparently my mom was in the lounge talking to another resident basically calling her sister (my aunt) all the names under the sun.

Sadly all filters have gone she says exactly what she thinks and in hindsight one of her friends once said to her years ago (pre dementia) 'do you ever have anything nice to say about anyone'.

I feel a little calmer now and although I doubt my son will engage with School Inclusion I know the person visiting well and she has supported us for quite a few years so there is no pressure on me from her.