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heart breaking feel so alone

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
Mabbs, I think you are doing so well at this difficult time.

I am so pleased that Phil was contented today and liked his new friend Spike 2. That is so good. I'll look forward to seeing your photo.

I admit, that when I knew Roger was in care permanently I had some changes made to the house, the things we had planned to do together, but I made our home my own. That somehow helped me to accept that this is now my home.

I sorted out many things in the house, but some were too sensitive to move out. Now Roger has passed away, I am at the next stage of sorting out, but there are some things that I need to keep, although it is still early days for me.

Sorry, I've gone off at a tangent, rambling on about myself. Try to set yourself one thing to achieve each day.

Thinking of you. x
dont worry about going off or rambling its what I do all the time, its just nice to hear from you, I am trying to sort out the mess that has accumulated, you would think being at home all the time, you would get more done not less, but I dont think we realise how time consuming caring is, I am making inroads a bit a day, trouble is I find things I had forgotten we had, but I am trying to be firm and not hoard. One day at a time, thinking of you too x
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
after a lovely day yesterday, and a happy looking Phil with his dog (toy) he was great again this morning, but has had an agitated afternoon, trying to get out and swearing at the staff again, when they wont unlock the door, such a shame, it always seems to happen in the afternoon, his scan is next friday, maybe if the results of that can confirm he has ?or hasnt got lewy bodies, then the medications can be changed to suit him.

I have taken the dog for his jabs, he was so good bless him, he normally makes such a fuss, I was dreading it, but he was a little angel, and I have made a trip to the tip, with a car full of stuff, so feeling pleased with myself, time to sit and chill now, recharge ready for tomorrows visit. Fingers crossed for a contented day tomorrow.
 

NanLorac

Registered User
May 14, 2012
686
Scotland
Phil looks contented with his dog in the picture. Not long now till Phil gets his scan and they can ajust his meds and if you can keep yourself busy time will pass quicker for you. Remember to make time and treat yourself to a massage or something to help with the stress. Or coffee and cake at your favourite cafe.:)

Spike maybe has decided to been good at the vets because he knows Mum's having a hard time just now. :)

Take care. x
 

jan.s

Registered User
Sep 20, 2011
7,353
68
Hi there. I'm glad Phil was lovely for you again this morning. It's a shame he's had an agitated afternoon, but that's for the staff to deal with, so not your problem. Whilst we don't want to think of the one we love being aggressive, salt that can be just part of the illness.

You sound like you've had a constructive day, well done. Keep up the good work.

My fingers are crossed for you too for tomorrow. J x
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
Phil looks contented with his dog in the picture. Not long now till Phil gets his scan and they can ajust his meds and if you can keep yourself busy time will pass quicker for you. Remember to make time and treat yourself to a massage or something to help with the stress. Or coffee and cake at your favourite cafe.:)

Spike maybe has decided to been good at the vets because he knows Mum's having a hard time just now. :)

Take care. x
You could be right about Spike, he is being a really loving little lad, follows me about, probably worried I might leave him as well, we comfort each other, would be very lonely without him.

Keeping busy is working, it helps the day pass, and helps tire me out, so I sleep better, I am hoping the scan shows something to help. One day at a time.xxx
 

Chuggalug

Registered User
Mar 24, 2014
8,007
Norfolk
You could be right about Spike, he is being a really loving little lad, follows me about, probably worried I might leave him as well, we comfort each other, would be very lonely without him.

Keeping busy is working, it helps the day pass, and helps tire me out, so I sleep better, I am hoping the scan shows something to help. One day at a time.xxx
Same for me. Better to keep moving and doing rather than sitting. Glad your woofie is okay. Really hope hubby's scan helps him out and gives the right people enough knowledge to know how to make him more comfortable.

Love and hugs, xxxxx
 

di65

Registered User
Feb 28, 2013
775
new zealand
Oh Mabbs. I have just found your thread. I have also just had to put my husband into emergency respite due to violence. I took the first two incidents as part of the disease, but when he grabbed me around the throat, things had to be done. It was all done in just over two hours, leaving me in a state of shock, similar to you. I was fortunate that Lex was at daycare that day, and the lovely carers offered to take him into the Care Home, rather than me, so that I would not be seen as the big bad ogre who left him there. I have been advised not to visit for 5 days, and boy, is it a long five days!!! Like you, I can't believe how quiet and empty the house is. I can even here the clock tick! As much as I used to long to watch my favourite TV program without having to pause it whilst he had some rant or other, I would do anything for him to be here. I phone to check on him daily, and the staff seem so lovely. Apparently yesterday he demolished a lock on a cupboard thinking it was an outside door, and he has been prescribed some new medication. He is being re-assessed next week, so I will have a clearer picture of his future next week hopefully. In the meantime, I also cannot bring myself to have a tidy-up/clear-out, as there is that small hope he will come home, but in my heart of hearts I know that this won't happen, and that he is in the best place.

Hugs to you and your family XOX
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,631
Ireland
Oh Mabbs. I have just found your thread. I have also just had to put my husband into emergency respite due to violence. I took the first two incidents as part of the disease, but when he grabbed me around the throat, things had to be done. It was all done in just over two hours, leaving me in a state of shock, similar to you. I was fortunate that Lex was at daycare that day, and the lovely carers offered to take him into the Care Home, rather than me, so that I would not be seen as the big bad ogre who left him there. I have been advised not to visit for 5 days, and boy, is it a long five days!!! Like you, I can't believe how quiet and empty the house is. I can even here the clock tick! As much as I used to long to watch my favourite TV program without having to pause it whilst he had some rant or other, I would do anything for him to be here. I phone to check on him daily, and the staff seem so lovely. Apparently yesterday he demolished a lock on a cupboard thinking it was an outside door, and he has been prescribed some new medication. He is being re-assessed next week, so I will have a clearer picture of his future next week hopefully. In the meantime, I also cannot bring myself to have a tidy-up/clear-out, as there is that small hope he will come home, but in my heart of hearts I know that this won't happen, and that he is in the best place.

Hugs to you and your family XOX
It's early days for you both. And I know some couldn't think of decluttering and reorganising the home when their husband has gone into full time care. I felt differently. Apart from the fact that it HAD to be done, as William was a chronic hoarder and I had to clear the living room to find the food he had hidden in bookshelves etc anyway, I knew he wouldn't be home again. I knew it in my head. And I felt it would sort of help me accept the new phase of our lives if I cleared out and made the house more "my" home, but there are still reminders of him here. Also, I decided that as this clear out and redecorating would surely have to be done sooner or later, I'd find it a lot easier to do it now when I still had William to visit, than after his death, when clearing out stuff would seem much more final. Just my thoughts.
 

di65

Registered User
Feb 28, 2013
775
new zealand
It's early days for you both. And I know some couldn't think of decluttering and reorganising the home when their husband has gone into full time care. I felt differently. Apart from the fact that it HAD to be done, as William was a chronic hoarder and I had to clear the living room to find the food he had hidden in bookshelves etc anyway, I knew he wouldn't be home again. I knew it in my head. And I felt it would sort of help me accept the new phase of our lives if I cleared out and made the house more "my" home, but there are still reminders of him here. Also, I decided that as this clear out and redecorating would surely have to be done sooner or later, I'd find it a lot easier to do it now when I still had William to visit, than after his death, when clearing out stuff would seem much more final. Just my thoughts.
The thought of disposing of his stuff scares me witless. We have a full walking height basement, and he has stuff everywhere - never threw anything out!!! There are even about a dozen large pieces of wood-working equipment as well as heaps of associated tools. Our boys will have first pick, but what to do with the rest???

Once I get the confirmation of a permanent stay, the boys have said they will come over and help me decide what they would like, what goes on an auction site and what goes to the dump.
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
WEST SUSSEX
The whole business of clearing out is just so desperately sad - I felt if it was done whilst my husband was still alive in the Nursing Home I was somehow demolishing his life before he had gone. Now though he has and the clearing out is finished I still feel dreadfully guilty as though I have disposed of him in total though the mess could not stay - 45 years of accumulated detritus. I suppose it has to be what each individual feels most comfortable with at the time. The whole business is horrible and the reasons even worse. Thinking of you all WIFE
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
Oh Mabbs. I have just found your thread. I have also just had to put my husband into emergency respite due to violence. I took the first two incidents as part of the disease, but when he grabbed me around the throat, things had to be done. It was all done in just over two hours, leaving me in a state of shock, similar to you. I was fortunate that Lex was at daycare that day, and the lovely carers offered to take him into the Care Home, rather than me, so that I would not be seen as the big bad ogre who left him there. I have been advised not to visit for 5 days, and boy, is it a long five days!!! Like you, I can't believe how quiet and empty the house is. I can even here the clock tick! As much as I used to long to watch my favourite TV program without having to pause it whilst he had some rant or other, I would do anything for him to be here. I phone to check on him daily, and the staff seem so lovely. Apparently yesterday he demolished a lock on a cupboard thinking it was an outside door, and he has been prescribed some new medication. He is being re-assessed next week, so I will have a clearer picture of his future next week hopefully. In the meantime, I also cannot bring myself to have a tidy-up/clear-out, as there is that small hope he will come home, but in my heart of hearts I know that this won't happen, and that he is in the best place.

Hugs to you and your family XOX
It was all done swiftly for me to, and it is such a shock, I can visit every day if I want, but I go every other day, as its so hard, today he was pleased to see me, sat there holding his hands and talking and he said I wish I could go home with tears in his eyes, I welled up, I so want him home, and I think he will be going into a home, and I just dont want him to, I miss him so much, like you I thought I would enjoy watching the TV and not having to put it on hold all the time, but found I couldnt concentrate or settle, clearing up a bit helps me to cope. take care and wishing you the strength to cope, some days I do and some I dont. Hoping you find him content and happy when you do visit. xx
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
I have found having a bit of a clear up and out is helping me cope, but I am not doing too much as it would be admitting he isnt coming home, and I havent come to terms with that yet, I am still hoping that after the scan, he will go on meds that work for him, and I can have him home, with daycare, the kids think he should go into a home, they worry about my safety, and they tell me I need to be strong, well today I dont feel strong, I just feel overwhelmed with sadness, and the tears are falling -again,

Sorry people bad day, after a good visit, how strange os that, he was fine, and just one sentence, was enough to wreck me for the day. I miss him so much,
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
WEST SUSSEX
Mabbs - fully understand your swinging emotions. Here am I at 5 in the morning - leaving soon for a Memorial Service in London for an old school friend of my husband which I feel I must attend - dog with a friend for the night and what have I done - cried almost continuously all night even though I had a good day in the garden yesterday. I do so understand your hopes and longing to have your husband home again but try to reason what would really be best for both of you at this stage.
Loving thoughts WIFE
 

mabbs

Registered User
Dec 1, 2014
238
Lancashire
Mabbs - fully understand your swinging emotions. Here am I at 5 in the morning - leaving soon for a Memorial Service in London for an old school friend of my husband which I feel I must attend - dog with a friend for the night and what have I done - cried almost continuously all night even though I had a good day in the garden yesterday. I do so understand your hopes and longing to have your husband home again but try to reason what would really be best for both of you at this stage.
Loving thoughts WIFE
I hope you had a safe journey wife, and it wasnt too bad a day for you. I too cried a lot last night, wore myself out and slept through until 7.45 (good for me and the dog) we have normally been out for a walk by then and on my second cup of tea, I must have needed the rest.

I know its the best place for Phil, but I feel so awful leaving him there, if he does go into a home, I am hoping they will let me take spike in to see him, I think he misses him more than me at times, It just feels so wrong leaving him behind. I suppose we all get overwhelmed at times, and thats me at the moment having a bad few days, also I did practically nothing yesterday after my visit, just lazed about, which makes things worse, time to think, I need to keep busy, just couldnt get up the energy yesterday. I will bounce back soon ( I Hope)

wishing you well, xxx