He woke up in a filthy mood

[Kika]

When I went into his room this morning he glared at me and said he was fed up.
With what? I asked.
'Everything. This bed, my room, my chair, everything.'
His bed is uncomfortable! He hates the chair we spent a fortune on two years ago! There isn't enough space in the living room and we should get rid of some furniture. (We live in a small cottage and the lounge has a 2 seat sofa, a small bucket chair and his special chair for a tall man) He's fed up with the pole by his chair - I reminded him it's a small standard lamp. He says he doesn't need it - I tell him he's got it on all the time so he can see to read. He's bored with nothing to do, while I'm always visiting friends and talking to people! Chance would be a fine thing. And so it went on for a good 1/4 hour. I stopped answering, which was wrong as well.
The advice is not to argue, but how can one just stand there and take it? Is one supposed just to say 'Yes, dear' and walk away? His memory is ****, but if I agreed for the sake of P&Q you can bet that's the one thing he'd remember.

Sorry to rant on, but I could scream at the thought that things are only going to get worse.

 

[Izzy]

It’s not a rant at all @Kika. It is such a hard thing to cope with and I hope it has helped a little to share how you feel here.

Apologies if you’ve already seen this thread but if you haven’t you might find it helpful -

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

I tried my best with my mum and my husband but found it really hard to employ the compassionate communication model. Having said that I know that many members have found it useful.

 

[jennifer1967]

hello @Kika i walk away and go to a different area. he can then moan to himself. gives you a breathing space and will, hopefully, bring down the rage a bit. you could silently as well

 

[nita]

Sorry to hear what you are having to put up with @Kika (and @jennifer1967 ). If it's any consolation, this could pass and a calmer phase come next. My mother was quite agitated and a bit paranoid for a while but then was more placid, more like her old self as time went by.

Can your husband not go out? Sorry, I don't know your situation. Is there any one else who could take if off your shoulders for a bit? I hope you can get some peace.

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

Hi @Kika as other people have said, it’s very difficult, and I don’t do the compassionate talking all the time. I have sworn, shouted and thrown plates, oh and a clock, but at times, I don’t say anything, or as @jennifer1967 says go to a different room and leave him, mine mutters and swears, and sometimes if I don’t react he will calm, and become Dr Jekyll again. It’s all trial and error, and don’t ever feel bad, as there is no right way, only your way.

 

[Kika]

Hello fellow sufferers! It's good to know I'm not the only one who can't manage the compassionate talk every time.
Of course, having blown his cork, all the fizz escapes and he calms down. Then it's just me feeling the aftermath of stress. Like dealing with a teenager who is never going to grow up.

 

[Grannie G]

If compassionate communication didn`t work, or if I just wasn`t in the mood to try, I used to walk away too.

I had a phone, TV, radio and computer in our bedroom and used to give myself half an hour of peace. More often than not, when I returned to the living room, my husband was pleased to see me, all grumbles forgotten.

I have spent much longer than half an hour in our bedroom when he was in a particularly bad mood but I rarely fed it by retaliating.

 

[Lawson58]

While I understand that this sort of behaviour is part of the disease, I find it difficult to tolerate bullying and taking out a cranky mood on someone else is bullying.

Prior to this disease, my husband could be very stubborn but never moody. His stubborn streak is much worse now and if he is feeling physically unwell, there can be trouble ahead.

When these situations develop, I refuse to engage in any discussion and leave him to complain, accuse me of his latest suspicions all on his own. And I do it earlier rather than later.. I go and weed the garden, or pop out to the shops for a paper and a coffee and hope that he has changed his ideas by the time I see him next. He has been known to pick up where we left off so I immediately leave again.

I know this doesn't work for some people but I am quite feisty and will not let anybody bully me. I guess that makes me stubborn too.

 

[Kika]

@Lawson58
That's what I'm going to have to do. It's for to be better than being reduced to tears. He had another outburst this afternoon so i walked out and sat reading on my bed. He came to find me after ten minutes, apologised for losing it, but then immediately started the same argument. "I'm sorry, but..." is no apology.

 

[Lawson58]

@Lawson58
That's what I'm going to have to do. It's for to be better than being reduced to tears. He had another outburst this afternoon so i walked out and sat reading on my bed. He came to find me after ten minutes, apologised for losing it, but then immediately started the same argument. "I'm sorry, but..." is no apology.

And often carers feel guilty when they take a stand but that they feel is not justified. You're so right about not needing the tears. We have enough to do without tears making things worse.

The interesting thing about my husband is that he finally came to read the signs that I was going to walk out and has modified his behaviour for the moment. I think your husband has shown that he could do that but it just may take a little time and a lot of commitment from you to see it through.

With a child you don't reward bad behaviour and I don't think that you have anything to lose by trying that approach with your husband. Well done on making the first move.

 

[jennifer1967]

@Lawson58
That's what I'm going to have to do. It's for to be better than being reduced to tears. He had another outburst this afternoon so i walked out and sat reading on my bed. He came to find me after ten minutes, apologised for losing it, but then immediately started the same argument. "I'm sorry, but..." is no apology.

hello @Kika im experiencing eruptions and flare ups. the eruptions are getting better and fewer but the flare ups are ongoing. if he starts, i just say if you dont stop, im going to my room and he knows i mean it. it makes him stop and think. he makes me cry on a regular basis but since i have been saying it, it has calmed down a bit as he doesnt like sitting on his own. i can usually predict the mood first thing in the morning as to what kind of day im going to get. i really shouldnt have to be on my guard and dread whats going to happen. music helps so much

 

[Kika]

Hello @jennifer1967
Perhaps the warning, rather than just walking out, might work for my husband - I shall try that next time. Because of course there will be a next time. And as you say, we shouldn't have too walk on eggshells - it's exhausting.

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

It is exhausting, and I am still learning. But why should I cry, or be belittled? We have some great conversations when he is “normal”, but I can now tell if he is in his trance, and am going to do as @Lawson58 says and walk away more and not engage. Reacting to him blows my temper up, and doesn’t do me any good.

 

[Kika]

Conversation - what's that??