He has goneson at my husband son

Baggybreeks

Registered User
Mar 22, 2017
80
0
Scotland
i knew my husband must be getting near the end, trouble swallowing then 5 days nothing going in ,no water, even antibiotics and liquid paracetamol dribbling out.
Our daughter came up on Friday from the south west of England, leaving two small children with their dad. Fortunately he can work from home and took over the school run etc. when it became clear she was staying till the end.
He passed away yesterday morning with care staff with him.
We had spent the evening before along with our son singing songs from my singing group music sheets which I had collected. We laughed over some of the songs and sang in croaky voices, it didn’t matter, I hope he heard us as no response. Morphine and medazelam muscle relaxer administered as his pulse was rapid and breathing difficult.
I said my goodbyes and gave him a big hug. And said go to sleep. I think I knew that he had got to the end.

I was awake early and decided to get in to the care home as quick as I could. As I stopped at traffic lights the mobile rang . So I pulled over, the nurse told me my husband had gone.
Strange range of emotions. You can imagine. Sadness relief calmness regret.
And now?
Funeral arrangements registration of death etc.
He’s now totally gone physically and I don’t know how I feel, sort of numb after 6 years of coping with dementia .
I realise it is another problem to deal with,more grief, not even the daily routine of visits every day.
So sad. Here I am awake again in the wee small hours.
I need to get to sleep, busy day ahead, but my mind is still spinning.
I better stop. I just had to tell someone who knows what it’s like.
Thanks for being there, Forum.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
All blessings from me too, may you gain the strength you need for
this very difficult time. Xxx
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
73,996
0
72
Dundee
I'm so sorry to read your sad news.

It's lovely that you will have that memory of you together singing for your husband. I'm glad that he's now at peace.

I'm not surprised you feel numb. I found the first while after my husband died quite surreal. It will be a roller coaster of emotions and I wish you strength for the days to come.

Please keep posting on the forum. You will find the support you get here will help you through.
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
6,112
0
south-east London
I am also sorry to hear your sad news @Baggybreeks but so glad that as a family, you were able to spend the previous evening with your husband in such a lovely way.

I also understand the feeling of numbness. On top of the loss of our loved one, it can be bewildering to suddenly have no established routine or 'role' after our caring responsibilities end after so long.

I found that the weeks immediately after my husband's passing were taken up with all the organising of funeral and finances but eventually that too disappears and, in my case, that is when the numbness started to dissipate and I slowly began looking at how to move forward with new routines.

Just remember, there is no rush, no timescale, nothing that we should or should not be feeling - just take things at your own pace . It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive family - and you will find strength and comfort from each other as well ss your shared memories of happier times.

Wishing you all strength at this difficult time.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
0
Nottinghamshire
I understand the feeling of numbness @Baggybreeks. That's how I felt when my dad passed, rather unexpectedly, before Christmas. It's over a month now and I'm still plodding along ... But the fog descends less often now.

It was a lovely goodbye you said and even though you weren't there at the end I hope this brings you comfort
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Im sorry to hear your news @Baggybreeks
How lovely to sing to him. He probably would have heard it even though he couldnt respond as the hearing is the last thing to go.
(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
sad news @Baggybreeks
it's good that you have the memory of your visit
dad passed on sunday and I recognise the feelings you describe - I hope you were able to rest, if not sleep
walk at your own pace, there's no need to rush anything
my condolences
 

Baggybreeks

Registered User
Mar 22, 2017
80
0
Scotland
Still feel in shock a week later, trying to organise my husband ‘s farewell.
The only thing we talked about was that we be buried together, be together forever.
He wasn’t at all religious and neither am I. We are giving him a quiet burial with only our son and daughter and my brother, not having an anonymous person saying words over him, no service, just us saying goodbye to him.
It was such a long goodbye already I don’t think people realise.
We will have a celebration of his life the following day so friends and family can share their memories of him without formality, as he would have wanted it.
It’s a pity more people didn’t help earlier. It’s such a stressful disease to deal with.
As I was asked about DNR when he was admitted to the dementia ward, I asked if we could donate his organs. I was told by the consultant that they wouldn’t take them because they didn’t know if the tissue would transmit the disease.
However I was asked if we would donate brain tissue fo research into dementia. My husband was always interested in science and research so I agreed on his behalf.
The procedure was carried out by the team a few days after he died. It’s good to know that this may help in the future hopefully to find a way of curing or stopping this disease. And it’s helpful to me to know that something positive may come out of his passing.
It would be good if more people could consider this if possible when their loved one goes.
One day we might defeat dementia.
 

Baggybreeks

Registered User
Mar 22, 2017
80
0
Scotland
sad news @Baggybreeks
it's good that you have the memory of your visit
dad passed on sunday and I recognise the feelings you describe - I hope you were able to rest, if not sleep
walk at your own pace, there's no need to rush anything
my condolences
Thanks. Condolences to you too, Shedrech. It will take time and now my days stretch on without the daily visits regulating each day.
Thankfully he’s at peace now.
 

Baggybreeks

Registered User
Mar 22, 2017
80
0
Scotland
Thank you all for your kind words and support. Friends who haven’t had to go through this don’t really realise the strain , totally different situation.
So a heartfelt thanks for reading my post, even when the words get all jumbled up.
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
My thoughts are with you and to have the strength at this very sad time for you to agree for brain tissue to be gathered for research to help others is so selfless. I hope the coming days and weeks pass gently for you...dementia affects us all so deeply and for so long.
 

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