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Having my husband in hospital has been a revelation

Leftittoolate?

New member
Nov 23, 2021
6
0
Hi I am 68 years old and have been unhappy with my husband (74) for decades. We have essentially lived separately under the same roof . In recent years I have noticed changes in his cognition which have gradually limited my freedom eg we don’t travel, or even go for days out, don’t go out to eat or socialise except with one couple , I can’t stop him buying food we can’t eat only to throw it away, I can’t leave him alone overnight, have had to block calls because of scams, to insist on not replacing the car he wrote off etc etc. I told him I was unhappy and wanted to separate and he just replied “W ell I don’t “ and turned away. He has never accepted there is anything wrong with him or his behaviour towards me ( partly my fault for being such a doormat I suppose). Though he has not got any formal diagnosis, I could see he would not be able to live alone had decided that it was my duty to stay and look after him. But - and it’s a huge but - since he has been in hospital (with a broken leg) I have realised that his absence has brought me such peace and rekindled the simple joy in living, that I am just not willing to give it up. Has anyone any advice on what I can do ?
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
There are other people on this forum in your situation ie have been in unhappy marriages and have now found themselves carers of spouses they no longer love or even like. There is a section about this on the main site. Essentially, you have three choices: walk away completely and leave SS and / or other family members to arrange care for your husband (the legalities of separating could be complex); stay but insist on a lot of paid care, voluntary 'sitters' respite care etc; leave but provide some care from a distance of an amount and type which you are happy with.

Whilst your husband is in hospital the ward will probably notice some cognitive problems and ask a SW to assess him. If they don't then you can ask to speak to someone about your husband's cognition. The hospital may talk about patient confidentiality but that doesn't stop you laying out your concerns. Write a list of what your husband struggles with and have it to hand when you speak to anyone about your husband.

As you are living with your husband the default position will be to discharge him home for you to look after. If you don't want that or want to impose some conditions then you will have to state this clearly.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
2,421
0
High Peak
You might want to use the words 'carer breakdown'. Insist on an assessment/best interest meeting for him and tell them you have reached carer breakdown and can no longer care for him as it is affecting your physical and mental health.
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
585
0
If the OP's husband is found to have capacity in relation to his living arrangements then he will be able to refuse to have carers or sitters in / go into respite / move to a care home. It's not clear how bad his cognition is. Lots of people couldn't live on their own unsupported but still have capacity in relation to decisions concerning their living arrangements.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
1,847
0
Newcastle
Hi @Leftittoolate? and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. I don't have any experience of the situation you describe but do recognise the difference that any respite from looking after someone can make. The fact that you have been unhappy for a long time and have already talked about separation strikes me as a key factor that should influence what you do next. Do not let a misplaced sense of 'duty' get in the way of doing what is best for you. You don't have a duty to look after him. That is what Social Services are supposed to do. Looking after someone you want to be with is hard (I know this from experience) and eventually takes over one's life. Doing so for someone you no longer wish to be with is doubly hard and may breed resentment

You have refound joy and a reason for living. Your husband is not part of that. Hard though it will be, perhaps now is the time to take the steps that - I suspect - match what your heart is telling you.
 
Last edited:

Leftittoolate?

New member
Nov 23, 2021
6
0
There are other people on this forum in your situation ie have been in unhappy marriages and have now found themselves carers of spouses they no longer love or even like. There is a section about this on the main site. Essentially, you have three choices: walk away completely and leave SS and / or other family members to arrange care for your husband (the legalities of separating could be complex); stay but insist on a lot of paid care, voluntary 'sitters' respite care etc; leave but provide some care from a distance of an amount and type which you are happy with.

Whilst your husband is in hospital the ward will probably notice some cognitive problems and ask a SW to assess him. If they don't then you can ask to speak to someone about your husband's cognition. The hospital may talk about patient confidentiality but that doesn't stop you laying out your concerns. Write a list of what your husband struggles with and have it to hand when you speak to anyone about your husband.

As you are living with your husband the default position will be to discharge him home for you to look after. If you don't want that or want to impose some conditions then you will have to state this clearly.
Thank you. I Will look on main site. The hospital have seen the cognitive problems and are looking for interim care
 

Leftittoolate?

New member
Nov 23, 2021
6
0
There are other people on this forum in your situation ie have been in unhappy marriages and have now found themselves carers of spouses they no longer love or even like. There is a section about this on the main site. Essentially, you have three choices: walk away completely and leave SS and / or other family members to arrange care for your husband (the legalities of separating could be complex); stay but insist on a lot of paid care, voluntary 'sitters' respite care etc; leave but provide some care from a distance of an amount and type which you are happy with.

Whilst your husband is in hospital the ward will probably notice some cognitive problems and ask a SW to assess him. If they don't then you can ask to speak to someone about your husband's cognition. The hospital may talk about patient confidentiality but that doesn't stop you laying out your concerns. Write a list of what your husband struggles with and have it to hand when you speak to anyone about your husband.

As you are living with your husband the default position will be to discharge him home for you to look after. If you don't want that or want to impose some conditions then you will have to state this clearly.
Thank you. The hospital is aware of his impaired cognition and have agreed that he sbhould go to interim care rather than home
 

asriela

Registered User
Oct 17, 2021
26
0
Duty is a terrible thing.

Personally I would seriously advise you to leave him. It would be different if you had been happy but you dont owe him anything after years of unhappiness. I look after my mother (and I moan about it a lot on here) just out of duty and sometimes I think it is killing me. I often think she will outlive me despite her being nearly 92 and me being 57.

You should live the rest of your life in peace. If I was older, I would do that too, i just hope that in the natural order of things I will be free before I am too old to enjoy it.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
11,306
0
Yorkshire
hello @Leftittoolate?
welcome to DTP

whatever you decide to do, please get some legal and financial advice
these sites may help

it may be wise to separate out your finances
should your husband need home care or residential care, this will be paid for from his finances only plus half of any shared assets ... if your marital home is owned, it is disregarded (so no need to sell it) as long as he lives there, for home care, and for as long as you, his spouse, live there when he moves into residential care

you might also want to look into LPAs ... if you don't become your husband's Attorney you will not have the authority to manage his finances should he be unable to
 

Leftittoolate?

New member
Nov 23, 2021
6
0
That will give you a breathing space to think about what you want to do going forward.
Thank you. I am doing a lot of thinking but find it difficult to develop a plan as I have no idea when my husband might be moved from hospital. A doctor told me yesterday that he can’t be assessed for dementia for another three months at least because he has been delirious post op.
 

Leftittoolate?

New member
Nov 23, 2021
6
0
Duty is a terrible thing.

Personally I would seriously advise you to leave him. It would be different if you had been happy but you dont owe him anything after years of unhappiness. I look after my mother (and I moan about it a lot on here) just out of duty and sometimes I think it is killing me. I often think she will outlive me despite her being nearly 92 and me being 57.

You should live the rest of your life in peace. If I was older, I would do that too, i just hope that in the natural order of things I will be free before I am too old to enjoy it.
I am going to talk to our daughters ….I don’t want to pass the burden you have on to them
 

Gladsouthsider

New member
Nov 29, 2021
1
0
Hi I am 68 years old and have been unhappy with my husband (74) for decades. We have essentially lived separately under the same roof . In recent years I have noticed changes in his cognition which have gradually limited my freedom eg we don’t travel, or even go for days out, don’t go out to eat or socialise except with one couple , I can’t stop him buying food we can’t eat only to throw it away, I can’t leave him alone overnight, have had to block calls because of scams, to insist on not replacing the car he wrote off etc etc. I told him I was unhappy and wanted to separate and he just replied “W ell I don’t “ and turned away. He has never accepted there is anything wrong with him or his behaviour towards me ( partly my fault for being such a doormat I suppose). Though he has not got any formal diagnosis, I could see he would not be able to live alone had decided that it was my duty to stay and look after him. But - and it’s a huge but - since he has been in hospital (with a broken leg) I have realised that his absence has brought me such peace and rekindled the simple joy in living, that I am just not willing to give it up. Has anyone any advice on what I can do ?
I am so sorry to read this and I’m grateful for your words because they describe a situation I can identify with. For a year or more I supported my partner who was exhibiting all of the symptoms of Lewy Body Dementia and mild Parkinsonia. We were both in denial and I spent a lot of energy masking everything with family and friends, and quietly being furious with him, really resentful, also hidden not least from him. Then there was a crisis and he was admitted to hospital, and the relief was extraordinary. I told people the truth of what we were dealing with and I was advised to make it clear to the hospital that I could not cope with him being home. I said his safety and mine would be compromised. The whole social work assessment kicked in and I was supported by knowledgeable and compassionate professionals who stopped me feeling guilty. Several months on he is in a nursing home, and content, sometimes it’s a space station, or a research laboratory. The other residents are frequently MPs or philosophers, I never quite know who he thinks I am talking too. I like him again, and in some ways the weirdness reminds me of the person I fell in love with decades ago. Enjoy your peace and a different way of being together.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
705
0
I am so sorry to read this and I’m grateful for your words because they describe a situation I can identify with. For a year or more I supported my partner who was exhibiting all of the symptoms of Lewy Body Dementia and mild Parkinsonia. We were both in denial and I spent a lot of energy masking everything with family and friends, and quietly being furious with him, really resentful, also hidden not least from him. Then there was a crisis and he was admitted to hospital, and the relief was extraordinary. I told people the truth of what we were dealing with and I was advised to make it clear to the hospital that I could not cope with him being home. I said his safety and mine would be compromised. The whole social work assessment kicked in and I was supported by knowledgeable and compassionate professionals who stopped me feeling guilty. Several months on he is in a nursing home, and content, sometimes it’s a space station, or a research laboratory. The other residents are frequently MPs or philosophers, I never quite know who he thinks I am talking too. I like him again, and in some ways the weirdness reminds me of the person I fell in love with decades ago. Enjoy your peace and a different way of being together.
(Sorry to the original poster) I just wanted to say your husband sounds so similar to my dad, he thinks he's on a submarine or about to take off on an RAF mission most of the time. Dad has been diagnosed with mixed dementia.
 

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