Having a really, really down day for some reason

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Spiderpig, May 31, 2015.

  1. Spiderpig

    Spiderpig Registered User

    May 27, 2015
    I might 43 and gave been looking after my mum for 15 years now, I left a very good job in London as she was diagnosed with bowel cancer to look after her (or for her to look after me :), She suffered a TIA about 3/4 years ago and dementia set In pretty much straight away,

    When I left London I left my so called work friends and we are no longer in contact, so I have no friends at all, I don't want sympathy, it's hard knowing you don't have 1 friend, I cant talk to anyone, My mum used to be my best friend but she doesn't really know who I am so I have lost my only friend now,

    I suffer from Social Anxiety and find it hard to go out and I think I went out once in the past 3 weeks, my mood is lower than normal (You name it I have it, recovering Alcoholic, suffered from Bulimia since I was 17, I'm coping with the Bulimia after seeing a councillor for the past 2 years , at least it was someone to talk to.

    I'm on Mirtazapine anti depressants, swapped from fluoxetine 4 months ago, then douloxetine,

    I was discharged from my local Mental health service as, in the Psychologists word "You're not suicidal or a madman,

    My next service has a 7 or 8 month waiting list and it's for six sessions only.

    I won't see any family until Tuesday (They live a mile away):mad:, and nobody calls anymore as my other siblings won't speak to her as she obviously repeats herself and I feel they are rotten as it's not her fault and I have told them and 3/4 of my family don't call or visit, my one brother who lives 1mile away has never been to our flat.

    Thanks for letting me vent, I hate the depression as I don't feel I'm looking after her and I'm terrified of Losing her as I wouldn't know what to do as I would need to move out as I couldn't afford the rent, I would be homeless and scared to death, I'm afraid of how my mood will plummet from the depression I'm suffering now, I thought anti depressants were supposed to elevate your mood but nothing seems to work :(

    Have a good Sunday,

  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    since there is only the two of you would you be able to do even one thing together? When John was diagnosed I had no idea how restricting it would become but I did build up contacts through Alz groups which are really non judge mental regards odd behaviour.

    A singing group or a bowling group would cheer you up greatly. Phone Alz Soc if you are in England and ask them what is on in your area. If you need help to get her there then ask about that too.

    You really need other points of contact so try just one a month to start with.
  3. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    #3 Suzanna1969, May 31, 2015
    Last edited: May 31, 2015
    Hi Spiderpig,

    So sorry to hear you sounding so down. We all have down days and it's completely normal to have it hit you harder on some days than others. When I have a rough one I try and break down what's upsetting me to see if there's anything I can actually do to make myself feel better (I'm a tediously practical person and need to feel I'm taking some action against my demons) so can we break this down for you too? I'm going to tackle your post in chunks if that's ok...

    First of all, this is THE place to vent. The people here all face similar challenges and nobody will judge you for letting rip! Honey, if you can't vent here where CAN you?!

    Sounds to me like you are looking after her brilliantly. Plenty of people wouldn't have made the sacrifices you made and continue to make.

    Sadly having friends drift away is pretty common., several of mine have too. It's hard not to feel resentful but I don't think anyone can understand how it is to look after a loved one with Dementia unless they've experienced it. This is an evil disease which isolates the sufferer AND often the carer too.

    There are a few support groups in my area for carers so see if you can find something similar. You don't say on your profile where in the country you are otherwise I'd do some searching for you. Where I live they have a service called 'Crossroads' which provides a 'sitter' to come and sit with Mum if I want to take Dad out somewhere (he has Parkinson's and I am getting him involved in a social group provided by the local hospice - Mum is reluctant to go out and we don't want to leave her alone) so maybe you could get out of the flat and attend a friendship or support group yourself?

    Again, I bet there are some groups you could contact. Without knowing your area or what your interests are it's hard to be more helpful. I did actually message you last week to say hi as your first post sounded so down. If you want to message back and tell me a bit more about what you like to do perhaps I can help you find something in your area? One thing I am quite good at is ferreting about on t'internet and finding 'stuff'. I've become a lot better since Mum and Dad both got poorly!

    And be proud of yourself for beating the bottle. That's a hell of an achievement! Honestly I think you are tougher than you think and should give yourself credit for that because that's a very tough thing to do. I wish I could :(

    Nice of them to say that! Telling a vulnerable person they won't get any help unless they're suicidal jeez and this is a mental health professional?! You couldn't make it up!

    Maybe it's time you had a medication review?

    Hm in my very brief experience of ADs I found they just sort of 'muffled' everything and made me a bit doolally. And sadly no tablets on this earth are going to change your situation, anxieties and worries. Chipping away at the stuff that's causing you all this worry, piece by piece, might do.

    Now this makes me particularly mad. :mad: Why should it all be on you? They should at least give you a break. Sadly some people don't think to offer, maybe they think you're coping better than you are? Or, more likely, they're reluctant to ask in case you say you DO need help and they might, horror of horrors, feel an obligation to do something! :eek:
    Have you told them how you feel and that you need more support? She's their mother too, they should do their bit! I thank my lucky stars every day I have such a wonderful supportive brother, reading this forum makes me appreciate him even more as so many members here are not so lucky. :(

    Hold on a minute, have you actually looked into this? I think you need to contact your local CAB and find out more. Hopefully this is something way in the future but it is obviously causing you mega stress now and that is something that doesn't have to be. If it's a council flat contact them and ask where you'll stand when the time comes and what help could be available for you. Also are you sure you're getting all the financial help you're entitled too? have a look here: https://www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators and mention it to the CAB too.

    Sorry I know that's probably a bit of a tsunami of stuff and, as Marion says, it might be more manageable if you just do one thing at a time. I hate to see people struggling and I know it can feel like there are so many factors against you that it all seems hopeless. Trust me Rob, it's not, but I realise that's hard to see when you're the one in the mire.

    Please feel free to message me if you'd like me to see if I can help.

    I'll shut up now! :)
  4. Spiderpig

    Spiderpig Registered User

    May 27, 2015


    Thanks for your reply, She no longer wants to get dressed and flatly refuses to go out, I think she sees the flat as her safe haven,

    We did go to the post office for a walk a while back, I turned away looked back and she had gone, I was frantic, she ended up in the Pub Opposite with no money sitting in a booth, I have constant anxiety, I'm on edge from the moment I wake to if I get sleep, I do need to tackle extra help, not worrying about everything together but look for help one thing at a time,

  5. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    Hi Rob

    Have you had a Social Services carer's assessment (assessing what your needs for support are, not your Mum's needs) yet please?

    This careers assessment might give you the funds you need to pay someone to sit with your Mum while you go out for a much needed walk or a visit to something you'd like to see locally.
  6. Spiderpig

    Spiderpig Registered User

    May 27, 2015


    I had a review 2 weeks ago, promised the earth and heard nothing even after chasing them,

    I'm starting the process again Monday, I left my last Doc's as I suffer from Myalgia paraesthesia, which is the main nerve in the groin is pinched and your thigh feels as though someone is stabbing my legs, but I have it in both legs, the Hospital said they haven't heard of it in both thighs, so I think I think they fobbed me off, it's spreading up my hip bones and (how else can I put it) , butt cheeks.

    It took me 18 months to actually get an appointment, that was 3 years ago and heaven knows how long will it take this time,

    I'm definitely going to chase what help someone can give me, all the time I was with the Mental Health team I was never given a Psychiatric Nurse, I was only just told I should have, but I didn't know?

    Thanks for your help,



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