Having a problem again

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Crag, Nov 27, 2015.

  1. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    My 80 year old Dad's had a bad day today, and then sun downing kicked in. He decided he's got to go home even though he was at home.
    He hung around in the kitchen, waiting for mum to pick him up, who was there standing behind him. They both had just taken delivery for their prescriptions, and dad wanted to take them back home to his wife.
    To try and calm the situation I got dad in my car and drove him a few miles and drive back home, but still he claimed not to be at home. So I went a walk with him, for him to show me the way home. He knew the street name, but still walked me 2 miles from home before I was able to change direction and head for home in another direction.
    Once again at home, he still wasn't at home, so we let him go in his own as in the past he has made it as far as the bus stop, and returned home.
    Well he didn't tonight, he was gone half hour so intended up getting in the car and driving round the streets. On the walk he seemed to heading in the direction f the city centre, so that's where I headed, whilst mum's rang the police in 101.
    After getting near town I headed back and tried local streets. Fortunately I found him looking to be on his way back again. Instead of picking him up I let him walk but circled around to make sure he kept going in the right direction.
    He's home now, but I'm not sure if he thinks he's at home yet.
    He hasn't been so bad during the warmer months, as this time last year he kept emptying his wardrobe out to go home, and wanting to go home from work, but it's all kicked off again. He has naps in the chair in the evenings and minutes later wakes up thinking he's just got up and it's morning.
    It's me that's going to need medical attention if this carries on. I haven't a clue what to do
     
  2. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,533
    Female
    Scotland
    This is all so familiar and so nerve wracking. Starting last October 2014 until August this year John could not be contained. He was started on 50 mg of Trazadone during the winter which helped him to sleep but that was gradually increased over this period to 250 mg and he is now calmer and more manageable in a way I hadn't seen for along time.

    Today has not been great but on the whole the change has been remarkable so I would advise getting back to the Memory clinic and asking for help. I would also strongly advise a daycare to give you all a break and keep him busy and tired.
     
  3. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    Thanks for the reply. I've been trying to get Mum to consider getting dad into day care but she won't have it, even though dad upsets her quite regularly. She's as tough as old boots, but it puts more on me.
    It didn't help matters with mum wanting to get her pills off him, as i learnt from a friends dad with Alzheimer's, that they can get violent.

    It's strange coming on here to post for help, thinking somebody will have the magical answer, but soon after submitting a message you know there is no magical answer. Maybe it's calming knowing I'm not alone with this horrible disease.

    He's been put on some medications but it made him worse and had to be taken off them
     
  4. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    300
    North Cornwall
    Hi Crag

    You are right that there is no magical answer, but posting about a difficult and stressful situation when it's just been happening can, IMO, help you to think it through yourself.

    Also, the wealth of ideas and experience from people on TP can just make you feel less alone in the face of it all and better able to cope. That is how it has helped me too.

    Your situation sounds so stressful for all of you. I hope things improve.
     
  5. Jass

    Jass Registered User

    Aug 24, 2015
    18
    Walsall,Staffs
    I also having the same problem

    My mom is 95 I try to get her to my home in the day .cant sit all day in a small bungalow ,come 2 30/ 3.00 o'clock she starts is our Jackie picking me up .im going over home .what time is it ,have you got my keys what time is it does our Jackie know I'm here . It's gone dark early . I have that till I take her home then it starts again is our Jackie coming to take me home .when I say you are home I get this is not my home she keeps looking all round all night then she starts asking if I won't a cup of tea I'll will go and make us a cup of tea over and over .some times I think my head will explode .
     
  6. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    Thanks for the support. It's like trying to convince somebody black is white, with their welfare depending on it.
    I come on here looking for clues as to what to do, but it just seems a case of riding the storm, as everybody's in the same boat. And then when things are calmer, I'm not doing anything with my own life, but waiting for the next situation to start up, and wondering what I'm going to be faced with next, and how I'll handle it, and also trying to stop mum breaking under strain



    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  7. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    I have no advice, but just wanted to say that I think you were very brave letting your dad do what he wanted to do, and leave the house on his own to look for his 'home'. I'm glad you now have him home again safely, but I have no idea what you should do next time :(. What a very difficult situation.

    xx
     
  8. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    Well he's been better tonight. I thought I'd keep him occupied with watching the Formula 1 practice on BBC iplayer, but Sod's law there is a problem with iplayer on Sony TV's at the moment, so got him watching it on the tablet.
    Hopefully keeping him off having a nap, he'll stay in bed till at least daylight, and not 2-30am as is becoming the norm lately.


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  9. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,740
    fingers crossed that you get a decent night's sleep xx
     
  10. Emac

    Emac Registered User

    Mar 2, 2013
    171
    Hi Crag I am so sorry to hear of the trouble you are having. I also think you have good instincts on how to handle your dad when he wants to go home. My Dad had similar problems caring for my Mum. He used to drive her around for hours looking for her home. She told me once that wherever she was she always felt she was in the wrong place. It must be terrible for the person, but is equally terrible for relatives who are trying to keep them safe. I was struck by your comment about your Mum refusing help but it puts more on me. Have you told her that? Sometimes the main carer is so focused on the person they are looking after they forget that their decisions may be having a very negative impact on sons and daughters. My friend's Dad was only convinced to accept help when she told him that if he didn't she was going to lose her job because she was never there.You ARE entitled to a life of your own however it might feel right now. It might also be worth going back to the doctor about medication to settle your Dad and let you all get some rest. Sometimes it's just trial and error till you find something that works. I agree with the other posts- writing it down does help, though there is no magic wand- I wish there was!
     
  11. snowygirl

    snowygirl Registered User

    Jan 9, 2014
    151
    I just wanted to say that my mum had the same thing with my dad in that he always wanted to go 'home'(to where he lived as a boy) and then so did the respite home and finally now in the care home! He even goes as far a packing a bag and walking around with it. It seems its not uncommon and simply leaving him to walk around and quietly trying to distract him eventually works. Its worse late afternoon when we believe 'sundowning' occurs. I really don't think there's an answer but you were brave to let him go to see what happens.
     
  12. Crag

    Crag Registered User

    Jan 3, 2015
    76
    #12 Crag, Nov 30, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2015
    It's strange that my dad knows the street name, and I even showed him the street sign when walking back into the street, but he still wasn't home.
    Last winter he kept packing things up to go home, and once filled mums car with it all.
    Reading other peoples posts on similar subjects, is there any chance that the darker nights have anything to do with it, and not having so much to occupy him.
    The summer months we didn't have so much of this. Mum took him out Saturday, and I did some bits with him in the garden on Sunday, and he hadn't been so bad since.
    It's hard for me finding him things to do, especially with having to work, so I can see it isn't easy for 78 year old mum to find him things to do. They have been attending a coffee morning organised by the Alzheimers Society, but trying to get him there sometimes is challenging.

    I don't feel too bad when it's not happening, but when he's off on one it's like my worst nightmare, and I'm aware it isn't going to get better
     
  13. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    1,398
    Lancashire
    Home is not necessarily the house that they live in for a dementia sufferer it is more a place they feel safe in, maybe where they think they will find their parents. Or an old house from when they first got married, when life was simpler, not confusing.

    If he doesn't recognise his home it is like you said in an earlier post it is like trying to persuade him that black is white, you can't do it.

    Btw you need some time for yourself, you can't sit around waiting for the next problem or crisis to happen. You need a bit of life for yourself.
     

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