1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. mollieblue

    mollieblue Registered User

    May 16, 2007
    37
    belfast
    I'M SICK OF CRYING TODAY! FED UP FEELING EMOTIONALLY DRAINED, GUILTY, ANGRY,UPSET,WEARY,AT THE END OF MY ROPE!

    MY MUM HAS BEEN AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE TODAY. TOTALLY FEEL LIKE SHE HAS PUSHED MY BUTTONS ALL DAY! AND I'VE TRIED SO HARD TO KEEP MY COOL AND NOT RISE TO THE BAIT!

    THE USUAL THINGS KICKED OFF WHEN I ARRIVED TO SEE HER:-
    - THE FIGHT CAUSE SHE NEEDED HER HAIR WASHED AND DIDN'T WANT TO.
    - THE HUFFING BECAUSE I WASN'T TAKING HER STRAIGHT OUT FOR A RUN IN THE CAR ( HER IDEA OF A RUN IS ABOUT 40MILE ROUND TRIP!)
    - I MADE HER LUNCH AND SHE DIDN'T WANT IT.
    -SHE HAD LOTS OF FLOWERS IN VASES IN THE PORCH - ALL OF THE WERE DEAD AND SMELLING SO I STARTED PUTTING THEM IN A BINLINER TO CHUCK OUT AND SHE GAVE OFF ABOUT THAT.
    - I TRIED TO TIDY UP AS SHE DOESN'T DO HOUSE WORK NOW AND SHE GOT ANNOYED AS SHE JUST WANTED TO GO OUT!

    SHE LIVES WITH MY BROTHER BUT HES AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS AND I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT HER BEING ALONE OVERNIGHT, SO SHES UP WITH ME TILL TUESDAY TILL DAVID GETS BACK.

    I'VE JUST LOST IT WITH HER! AND NOW I FEEL SO BAD! SHE WAS GOING ON AND ON AT ME ABOUT SILLY STUFF LIKE....DID I LOCK UP HER HOUSE....DID I TELL MEALS ON WHEELS SHE WOULDN'T BE THERE....DID I CLOSE THE BLINDS.....PUT COAL ON THE FIRE....OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH THE QUESTIONS!

    I'D BROUGHT UP A BAG OF HER OLD PHOTOS TO PUT IN AN ALBUM FOR HER AND I WAS GOING THRU THEM WITH MY FLATMATE IN FRONT OF MUM AND SHE STARTED ALMOST ACUSING ME OF TRYING TO STEAL THEM. I TOLD HER I WASN'T AND THAT ACTUALLY SOME OF THEM WERE MINE FROM WHEN I WAS AT SCHOOL AND I WAS GONNA THROW THESE ONES OUT. THIS IS WERE SHE TOOK IT ALL UP A NOTCH AND REALLY STARTED.

    i KNOW THAT TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED SOUNDS LIKE NOTHING BUT I WAS PUSHED TO MY LIMIT AND LOST MY TEMPER! I STARTED SHOUTING AT HER AND LEFT THE ROOM. MY FLAT MATE TRIED REASONING WITH HER TO CALM DOWN AND STOP GOING ON AT ME. IN MY HEAD I FIGURED 'GET HER UP TO BED AND THAT'LL STOP IT ALL'. SO I CAME BACK INTO THE ROOM AND TOOK HER BY THE ARMS AND PUT HER IN THE HALL AND SHOUTED AT HER TO GO TO BED WHICH SHE DID!

    I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF AND FEEL DREADFUL THAT I COULD LOSE MY TEMPER LIKE THIS OVER WHAT WAS SEEMING NOTHING REALLY. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THE CONSTANT UNRELENTING GUT WRENCHING STRESS OF EVERY DETAIL OF LIFE WITH A DEMENTIA SUFFERED.

    MY FLAT MATE CHECKED ON MUM TO SEE HOW SHE WAS AND SHE'S FINE, HAS FORGOTTEN IT EVER HAPPEN (SMALL MERCIES) BUT I'M DEVASTED.

    PLEASE HELP BY TELLING ME IF THERE ARE WAYS TO COPE BETTER WHEN SHE'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH. I CAN'T HAVE ANOTHER TODAY!
    ANN
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    Dear Ann,

    There must be something in the air, for today has been a pretty bad day for me too, and I lost it with my husband.

    The repetiton is so wearing, you have to experience it to understand. Mine began at 1.30am. and has continued on and off throughout the day. As I write, it is still going on.

    Don`t beat yourself up. You lost it and you feel guilty. Now forget it, your mother has.

    The hardest thing is to switch the mood of guilt off, to match the mood of the ones we care for. They forget so quickly, as part of their condition, but we keep going over and over it, trying to think how much better we could have hanndled the situation.

    The only advice I can give you, is to go along with whatever your mother wants to do. Easier said than done.

    Let it go, Ann.

    Love xx
     
  3. mollieblue

    mollieblue Registered User

    May 16, 2007
    37
    belfast
    THANKS SYLVIA,

    I BEND OVER BACKWARD TO DO THINGS TO MAKE MUM HAPPEN BUT SHE ALWAYS WANTS MORE AND THROWS A STROPPY HUFF WHEN SHE DOESN'T GET IT!

    ITS LIKE A STROPPY 5 YEAR OLD TANTRUM BUT WITH A CHILD THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO REALISE THAT THEIR BEHAVIOUR ISN'T HAVING THE DESIRED EFFECT AND THEY LEARN TO STOP. MUM DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE THIS ABILTY.

    I'M GONNA HAVE MUM WITH ME FOR THREE WEEKS WHILE DAVIDS ON HOLIDAY AND PART OF THESE WEEKS I'LL BE WORKING NIGHTDUTY. I CAN'T RUN AFTER MUM, TAKING HER ENDLESS RUNS IN THE CAR, ENTERTAINING HER AND PANDERING TO HER EVERY WANT DURING THIS TIME. IT'LL KILL ME!

    i'VE MADE A ROD FOR MY OWN BACK IN MANY WAYS AS I KNOW THAT I SPOILED MUM AND RAN AFTER HER ALOT AFTER MY DAD DIED IN 1993. I TOOK HER ON HOLIDAYS AND DAYS OUT AND DINNERS AND SHOWS ETC ETC ETC BUT NOW I FEEL THAT THAT IS ALL SHE SEES ME AS. THAT THATS MY JOB, NO MATTER WHAT IT DOES TO ME!
    :(
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    How on earth will you be able to work at night and care for your mother during the day? That sounds an impossible situation. Can you get any help? Would she consider respite care?

    When my husband asks me every day, what today`s plans are, i say `We`ve no plans for today. ` Simple as that. Either i`m too tired, I`m not well enough , or the weather`s too bad. Any excuse.

    Then if I do decide to do something, it`s spontaneous, and doesn`t give him time to ask 100 questions before we go.
     
  5. mollieblue

    mollieblue Registered User

    May 16, 2007
    37
    belfast
    mum would have a fit rather than go into care (i don't know how to arrange respite here as her gp and everything is at home with my brothers surgery and i live 25 miles away!)

    anyway she'd insist she was ok to go to her house and take care of herself!

    am only working bits of each of the 3 weeks and have leave the rest! plus am off to a villa in portugal for 2 weeks not long after davids return!

    she gets more and more aggitated if she can't get out - in the car or for a walk. 6,7,8 or more times a day she go up the shop and down again!

    it's gonna be very hard! she's not very settled.

    and even when i take her out where she wants, she's take a light head and want to come home to go to bed. as soon as we've come home, the light heads gone and she wants to go out!

    This is what i'm up against!
     
  6. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello Anne
    Their behaviour can be very challenging indeed, I could relate to so much of what you said, I know it's very hard when you have to work as well, your thinking about all the necessary things that need doing and on the other hand they are thinking that your interferring, and not doing what they think is necessary.Half the time I dont really think they know what they actually want I learnt the hard way, that unfortunately, I wasn't dealing with logic, it is so stressful been on guard all the time making sure you dont upset the apple cart. You have my sympathy I know it doesn't make things easier, but it's nice to know others care. Take Care Taffy.
     
  7. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    Mollyblue. You will find it difficult to do a nightshift and then look after your mother during the day. I found carering is a 24 hr situation. If you are tired you
    will be stressed. Try to rope in extra help. Are there other family members that might help. Perhaps a neighbour. Try to find an organization for a bit. Would your boss be a little understanding.
    Yesterday my wife was going to kill me. You can tell she hasn't. Well not yet anyway. Reason and logic are of no use. I find calmness (from me) at all times and a BIG smile
    if that does not work I stay quiet and let the storm run it's course. Sometimes easier said than done, but you cannot reason.
    Sometimes saying "yes ok after ...." and change the subject or give something to occupy them.
    You say your mum lives with your brother, it would be good if he gave you some hints on how he solves these situations.
    Sorry to go but my wife is calling for me.
    Do try to get more help .
    cris
     
  8. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,518
    I also think you're taking too much onto yourself. It's hard to do, I know, but you will have to tell yourself that mum's hair, some dead flowers or a dusty house are not the end of the world.

    If mum is going to give you such a hard time over these things then don't do them. It is simply not worth all the aggro and stress you will put yourself through.

    We learnt to do this a while ago; if Dad chooses not to eat, then that's up to him. If he doesn't want to shave or change his jumper then that is his affair.

    We've all lost our tempers, the repetitions and behaviors can be absolutely relentless and are enough to drive Mother Teresa into throwing the china at a wall.

    Sad to say, sometimes the only solution is to walk out.

    You're the only one who will be beating yourself up and feeling guilty about the incident. Mum will have forgotten all about it.
     
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #9 Margarita, Jul 2, 2007
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2007

    that so true & with doing night work . I use to do night work , but mum just did not let me sleep during the day I did get some sleep , but broken sleep is the worse sleep.

    Or it was like sleep 2 hours when I got in at 6 am get up make something to eat for mum , back to sleep for a few hours , get up for lunch so on, if I never got up I new they be a disaster in the kitchen or bathroom , so when my mother use to give me challenging behaviors I just use to lost my temper like you did .

    If I never took mum out , she say all I do is sleep all day , Lucky for me sometime my brother would take mum out for lunch and if he was not in the mood I could hear them arguing with each other as mum keep asking him if it was time to go out all the time that that woke me up anyway . I just could not win , so would just get in shower and take mum out .

    I use to do security work and yes I did fall asleep nap of on the Job , lucky no one found out as sometimes I work alone .

    As your only doing it for 3 weeks , it can be done with lack of sleep , cat nap use to keep me going . just recognize your get more snappy , lost temper more quick .

    Just be careful when driving and hopefully your flat mate can go on outing with you both . I had a good friend who would drive us around , she use to bring her son alone and mum would get rude with him . thats another story .
     
  10. mollieblue

    mollieblue Registered User

    May 16, 2007
    37
    belfast
    thanks guys for your support it really does help! x

    just a quick update, have only a wee bit of time as my flat mate has taken mum out for a drive for an hour to give me a bit of space - bless her!

    mums been on and off today, getting more aggitated and nit picky as the day wore on. I brought a load of her old photos up to my house and have been sitting on the living room floor going through them and putting them in albums this afternoon while mums been watching old westerns (on and off)

    she's repetitively critised everything i'm doing and, like last nite,kept reminding me that she was taking them home and i wan't keeping them!

    Anyway i kept telling her off each time she did it - i know i shouldn't - but she's just turned and said to me ' you know i want to take them home with me tomorrow and show david how well you've done that!'

    My heart has just melted! and i completely forgot all the annoyance from the rest of the day.

    I said to her, 'you just spent the whole afternoon saying i wasn't doing right!' and she shook her head and smiled and said 'no i didn't mean that, it's lovely!'

    for a split second my mum was back and the little bit of her recognition was enough!

    I just phoned my brother to tell him and he said that sometimes he gets that too, he said that these little snippits of her will be what we will remember down the line and the nasty ones we will forget! :)

    thanks for your support! the saga will continue! love ann x
     
  11. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    Now your brother sounds wise :)

    I remember my mother doing that also
    When I use to get her tin out that she had all her photo . she say to me your not taking them to your home , but for me back then I did not know she had AZ
     

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