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Have we reached care at home stage?

Debbie Ann C

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
26
I think I’m about to answer my own question but it’s always clearer when I write it down and seek advice. Mum hasn’t had an official diagnosis because she refuses at every turn to go to the dr. But dr is aware of situation. So far she has been safe living alone. Able to cook clean and quite physically able. Things have changed and she now seems very confused about cooking. Mainly what needs to be cooked and how to do it. She can’t read / make sense of instructions anymore and is eating foods, which look cooked, raw ie pizza & battered fish (two of the things I know about) she didn’t know how to cook fresh veg & can’t make a cup of tea properly. I have done my best to put food in her fridge and freezer which won’t harm her if she eats then uncooked but worried about what she might buy (she shops most days...) i can’t decide whether she just gets flustered and out of her normal routine when I visit (now every 3weeks for a couple of days) or whether she really can’t cook now. She is very able with everything else personal hygiene, cleaning the house and walks everyday. But she has NOBODY to keep an eye on her on a daily basis. I live 3hrs away my sister 2hrs. Have we reached the point of daily care?
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,740
cornwall
I think I’m about to answer my own question but it’s always clearer when I write it down and seek advice. Mum hasn’t had an official diagnosis because she refuses at every turn to go to the dr. But dr is aware of situation. So far she has been safe living alone. Able to cook clean and quite physically able. Things have changed and she now seems very confused about cooking. Mainly what needs to be cooked and how to do it. She can’t read / make sense of instructions anymore and is eating foods, which look cooked, raw ie pizza & battered fish (two of the things I know about) she didn’t know how to cook fresh veg & can’t make a cup of tea properly. I have done my best to put food in her fridge and freezer which won’t harm her if she eats then uncooked but worried about what she might buy (she shops most days...) i can’t decide whether she just gets flustered and out of her normal routine when I visit (now every 3weeks for a couple of days) or whether she really can’t cook now. She is very able with everything else personal hygiene, cleaning the house and walks everyday. But she has NOBODY to keep an eye on her on a daily basis. I live 3hrs away my sister 2hrs. Have we reached the point of daily care?
Hi. It sounds like she could do with a visit from a carer at least twice a day. Does she take any medication?
 

Debbie Ann C

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
26
Hi. It sounds like she could do with a visit from a carer at least twice a day. Does she take any medication?
No. She is anti medication having been in anti depressants most of her adult life. Thank you for replying
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
Hi there

My mum is the same as yours, living on her own but I do live next door.. she has had dementia for 4 years and has refused any type of care. My brother lives miles away so I kept an eye on Mum, did her shopping when she couldn’t drive anymore.

Mum subconsciously relied on me (as does my brother) and this lead to problems as I was ‘the go to’ for emergencies.

When mum started wandering the called me to sort it out - I was too available.

it was made even harder as mum refused to se her GP.

its good your mum is independent like mine.

Now mum is starting to be incontinent and adult safeguarding are involved because its got too much for me and I’m moving away.

If I’d had my time again I would have been firmer by organing a long term plan where we as a family decided what we would do - including Mum agreeing to have care. If she had refused I could have had some forewarning then I could have moved away sooner. The distance for my brother meant he really hadnt clue what was going on.

Perhaps a family meeting and a plan maybe?

Find out why she won’t go to GP as a diagnosis would have helped us.
 
Last edited:

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
597
I agree with @TNJJ that your mum needs a care visit at least twice a day. They could prepare meals and leave flasks of tea for your mum. How do you think mum will react to outside help coming in?
 

Debbie Ann C

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
26
Hi there

My mum is the same as yours, living on her own but I do live next door.. she has had dementia for 4 years and has refused any type of care. My brother lives miles away so I kept an eye on Mum, did her shopping when she couldn’t drive anymore.

Mum subconsciously relied on me (as does my brother) and this lead to problems as I was ‘the go to’ for emergencies.

When mum started wandering the called me to sort it out - I was too available.

it was made even harder as mum refused to se her GP.

its good your mum is independent like mine.

Now mum is starting to be incontinent and adult safeguarding are involved because its got too much for me and I’m moving away.

If I’d had my time again I would have been firmer by organing a long term plan where we as a family decided what we would do - including Mum agreeing to have care. If she had refused I could have had some forewarning then I could have moved away sooner. The distance for my brother meant he really hadnt clue what was going on.

Perhaps a family meeting and a plan maybe?

Find out why she won’t go to GP as a diagnosis would have helped us.
Many many thanks this is very helpful.
Hi there

My mum is the same as yours, living on her own but I do live next door.. she has had dementia for 4 years and has refused any type of care. My brother lives miles away so I kept an eye on Mum, did her shopping when she couldn’t drive anymore.

Mum subconsciously relied on me (as does my brother) and this lead to problems as I was ‘the go to’ for emergencies.

When mum started wandering the called me to sort it out - I was too available.

it was made even harder as mum refused to se her GP.

its good your mum is independent like mine.

Now mum is starting to be incontinent and adult safeguarding are involved because its got too much for me and I’m moving away.

If I’d had my time again I would have been firmer by organing a long term plan where we as a family decided what we would do - including Mum agreeing to have care. If she had refused I could have had some forewarning then I could have moved away sooner. The distance for my brother meant he really hadnt clue what was going on.

Perhaps a family meeting and a plan maybe?

Find out why she won’t go to GP as a diagnosis would have helped us.
Thank you so much for responding. She would love me to move in with her or in the village but this is NOT an option. I really feel I deserve to have my life too. She won’t go to the dr because she doesn’t want to take tablets or go to a silly group or have strange people come to house asking her questions. She went down that road about two years ago and unfortunately still remembers.
 

Debbie Ann C

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
26
I agree with @TNJJ that your mum needs a care visit at least twice a day. They could prepare meals and leave flasks of tea for your mum. How do you think mum will react to outside help coming in?
If we can get the right person it could work well. Getting her to agree in the first place is more difficult. She always worried about the money ‘it will cost a lot of money’ She has enough money ....
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
597
If we can get the right person it could work well. Getting her to agree in the first place is more difficult. She always worried about the money ‘it will cost a lot of money’ She has enough money ....
Easier if you have POA for finance. I briefly had carers for mum and paid them direct from her account. I instructed them to send me the invoices and told mum they were very reasonable but they sent an invoice to mum in error and she refused to have them in after that!
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
909
High Peak
Do you have Power of Attorney for your mum's finances? If so you could just go ahead and organise something for her. She won't agree so don't ask her. Might be best to first introduce a carer as 'someone to help with the housework' rather than saying 'you need help cooking because you are a danger to yourself'. You could also try the 'this is my friend who needs a little job', or, 'this girl needs some work experience and it would really help if she could learn from you.'

Don't forget to mention that due to a new government initiative, care like this is free for anyone over XX years...

Subterfuge is the key! :)
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,356
If we can get the right person it could work well. Getting her to agree in the first place is more difficult. She always worried about the money ‘it will cost a lot of money’ She has enough money ....
Hi @Debbie Ann C your mum is unlikely to agree to carers. The default answer is always going to be no, I'm afraid. My mother in law thought she was just fine, the reality was she could do little for herself. If your mum is self funding and you have POA you could just organise a carer yourself , don't discuss things with her. My mother in law was self funding and I just organised a private care agency to come in the morning at first then it expanded it to include lunchtime to prepare a meal. I told her that some carers were coming for work experience to practise dealing with" normal" people ( ie my mother in law ) before they went to those with dementia. Of course the agency were in on the ruse. I told my mother in law that she was to tell me how they were so I could report back to the manager. I had her post redirected to me so she never saw any bills. If she had known how much they were, she would have become aggressive. I told her it was free after a certain age (she was 89) . As others have said, subterfuge is the way forward.
 

MrsChristmas

Registered User
Jun 1, 2015
178
Hi @Debbie Ann C your mum is unlikely to agree to carers. The default answer is always going to be no, I'm afraid. My mother in law thought she was just fine, the reality was she could do little for herself. If your mum is self funding and you have POA you could just organise a carer yourself , don't discuss things with her. My mother in law was self funding and I just organised a private care agency to come in the morning at first then it expanded it to include lunchtime to prepare a meal. I told her that some carers were coming for work experience to practise dealing with" normal" people ( ie my mother in law ) before they went to those with dementia. Of course the agency were in on the ruse. I told my mother in law that she was to tell me how they were so I could report back to the manager. I had her post redirected to me so she never saw any bills. If she had known how much they were, she would have become aggressive. I told her it was free after a certain age (she was 89) . As others have said, subterfuge is the way forward.
 

Nomorepets

Registered User
May 26, 2020
29
Hi there

My mum is the same as yours, living on her own but I do live next door.. she has had dementia for 4 years and has refused any type of care. My brother lives miles away so I kept an eye on Mum, did her shopping when she couldn’t drive anymore.

Mum subconsciously relied on me (as does my brother) and this lead to problems as I was ‘the go to’ for emergencies.

When mum started wandering the called me to sort it out - I was too available.

it was made even harder as mum refused to se her GP.

its good your mum is independent like mine.

Now mum is starting to be incontinent and adult safeguarding are involved because its got too much for me and I’m moving away.

If I’d had my time again I would have been firmer by organing a long term plan where we as a family decided what we would do - including Mum agreeing to have care. If she had refused I could have had some forewarning then I could have moved away sooner. The distance for my brother meant he really hadnt clue what was going on.

Perhaps a family meeting and a plan maybe?

Find out why she won’t go to GP as a diagnosis would have helped us.
Your story sounds similar to mine except my brother is invisible. There had been problems with my mum over several years but the final crunch came when she disappeared for about 5 hours. I stopped work to care for our mother thinking he would help but oh no. Talks the talk etc., Anyway, I should have listened to others who said to get carers in or place her in a home but I was adamant I could cope. After nearly 3 years I am putting up the white flag, my stress levels went through the roof and having previously suffered a TIA something has to give. So am in process of arranging 2 carers per day plus meals on wheels for a trial of approx 3 weeks, I'll be here for the first few days to see how it goes and them am going home. The plan being to make my home suitable for her to live in with carers to help as I cannot bath her, what with bad mobility and a vice like grip it's too much for me. There is also a very nice care home nearby who will take her if need be. So I have a plan, feel a bit guilty but have to think of both of us.
Good luck with your move I hope it all works out.
 

Nomorepets

Registered User
May 26, 2020
29
Hi Debbie Ann C, you need to use the power of kidology :) I have POA finance as well as health and welfare for my mother. The finance was easy as her big sister had given me POA finance. The health and welfare was a little bit difficult but I explained about how she could be dumped in a home anywhere in the UK and no one could do anything about it if, it was decided that she was not capable of making her own decisions. I may have thrown in a comment about the tax man to wind her up as well!
Excellent advice from Rosetta, think I shall use some of that.
 

Debbie Ann C

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
26
Do you have Power of Attorney for your mum's finances? If so you could just go ahead and organise something for her. She won't agree so don't ask her. Might be best to first introduce a carer as 'someone to help with the housework' rather than saying 'you need help cooking because you are a danger to yourself'. You could also try the 'this is my friend who needs a little job', or, 'this girl needs some work experience and it would really help if she could learn from you.'

Don't forget to mention that due to a new government initiative, care like this is free for anyone over XX years...

Subterfuge is the key! :)
Great tips 😁 POA hopefully on its way so will make things easier we hope.
 

Debbie Ann C

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
26
Hi @Debbie Ann C your mum is unlikely to agree to carers. The default answer is always going to be no, I'm afraid. My mother in law thought she was just fine, the reality was she could do little for herself. If your mum is self funding and you have POA you could just organise a carer yourself , don't discuss things with her. My mother in law was self funding and I just organised a private care agency to come in the morning at first then it expanded it to include lunchtime to prepare a meal. I told her that some carers were coming for work experience to practise dealing with" normal" people ( ie my mother in law ) before they went to those with dementia. Of course the agency were in on the ruse. I told my mother in law that she was to tell me how they were so I could report back to the manager. I had her post redirected to me so she never saw any bills. If she had known how much they were, she would have become aggressive. I told her it was free after a certain age (she was 89) . As others have said, subterfuge is the way forward.
Love it.... esp the reporting back. Genius. Sounds like I need to get creative. Thank so much
 

Debbie Ann C

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
26
Hi Debbie Ann C, you need to use the power of kidology :) I have POA finance as well as health and welfare for my mother. The finance was easy as her big sister had given me POA finance. The health and welfare was a little bit difficult but I explained about how she could be dumped in a home anywhere in the UK and no one could do anything about it if, it was decided that she was not capable of making her own decisions. I may have thrown in a comment about the tax man to wind her up as well!
Excellent advice from Rosetta, think I shall use some of that.
🤣 loving all of these creative ways... thankfully we set POA in motion for both finances & health back in March but still waiting delayed bec if you know what I expect.
 

Debbie Ann C

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
26
I called ageuk who recommended a company called Appetito who do meals on wheels and also check all’s ok and will contact us if anything is not. It seemed like a good halfway house for the immediate future she will get a good hot meal and a regular visitor.
 

Nomorepets

Registered User
May 26, 2020
29
Debbie Ann C - Not sure if it is the same type of set up but I am arranging meals on wheels through the county council. They will provide a hot meal during the day, good choices too along with dessert and can provide sandwiches for the evening. I will also give them the key safe code should she not answer as hard of hearing or worse.