Have to go home

[PollyH]

Mum lives at home with carers. I do not live in uk but travel every two weeks to be with her. Came to take her to our home for Christmas but she was too ill to travel with a chest infection. Then she started to refuse all food, just has a few sips of lucozade and tea. Doctor checked her and infection cleared so he suggested energy drinks. The practice has been closed for Christmas I have now been here 2 weeks and have to go home as my husband ( who is 71, still working and trying to look after a smallholding alone at present) needs me. Mum is now very weak, but on her feet and very happy here. She is also now partly incontinent, very confused and wobbly. I took her to check out a respite home yesterday and she was furious, told me I was a liar and refused to stay. She is not safe alone in between carers, and I have to leave. How can I take this happiness away from her?

 

[Grannie G]

How can I take this happiness away from her?

I can only say for her own safety @PollyH.

Welcome to Talking Point.

Have you discussed this with your mother`s carers?
Do they think she is safe and they are able to meet her needs?
Would they contact you if the situation changed?

If your mum is confused and wobbly, is there a chance she could fall and lie for a while without attention?

It`s a dreadful position for you to be in but is your mother responsible enough to make her own decisions?

Happiness or safety? It sounds as if difficult decisions may have to be made.

I`m so sorry.

 

[PollyH]

I can only say for her own safety @PollyH.

Welcome to Talking Point.

Have you discussed this with your mother`s carers?
Do they think she is safe and they are able to meet her needs?
Would they contact you if the situation changed?

If your mum is confused and wobbly, is there a chance she could fall and lie for a while without attention?

It`s a dreadful position for you to be in but is your mother responsible enough to make her own decisions?

Happiness or safety? It sounds as if difficult decisions may have to be made.

I`m so sorry.

Talked to carers and their concerns are that they have to go on to other clients, whose needs are equally as great which is totally understandable. When we have had problems before, I have flown over but there are no overnight flights and it can be a day before I get there. Up until now it has worked ok but with mum refusing food she is getting weaker. She is a very cheerful and happy person, but 2 months ago she broke her shoulder and had to go into respite while I had her house adapted and arranged lots more care. She was like a zombie in there. It was awful, despite it being a good caring home. That's what is destroying me, choosing between real living and safety.

 

[Grannie G]

I told my husband the doctor was concerned about him and wanted him to convalesce to build his strength. Do you think it would work for you.

My husband was also unsteady on his legs and I said he needed to regain some weight. All the onus was on the doctor.

 

[Sirena]

How long was your mother in respite last time? It does take time for people to settle, and she may not have had long enough in there to become used to the routine and accept it as her new home. Also, she was injured, presumably on pain relief, and not as fit as usual.

My mother was (supposedly) very happy in her own flat, with carers visiting. The truth is, she was very happy as long as someone was there with her. When alone (which was 18 hours a day) neighbours reported she was anxious and distressed, and wandered off to try to find company. She would never have agreed to go into a care home, but when she'd been there for about 6-8 weeks she settled in, and she is happy there, she's been there nearly two years and it's genuinely her home.

The reality is, even if your mother can (just about, not really) cope at home now, in the near future she will not be able to cope at all. It's always difficult to make the care home decision, but you will probably have to make it at some point.