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Have I made the correct decision

Jo2012

New member
Oct 27, 2020
7
Hi,
My mum has lived with me for the last 8 years and has had vascular dementia for the last 18 months. I have been on a sabbatical from work for the last year to look after her properly with no care package or any regular help from family members because of the distance. I got to breaking point a couple of months ago. Mum has been in a care home for the last 3 weeks and the feeling of betrayal and guilt is so overwhelming. I couldn't settle her into the home due to covid. And now in wales we are on lockdown. I cry everday not knowing if I have done the right thing and I also miss her lots.
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
2,002
Hi @Jo2012 , and welcome to dementia talking point. Covid is making the move to a care home a 100 times worse than it was before. Not being able to regularly visit must be so hard, but this will pass and you'll be able to build a new, different relationship with her.
If you got to breaking point you've made the right decision. How ever much we love our person with dementia looking after them at home without a lot of help is well nigh impossible, however good the relationship was before hand. It is all too easy to blame yourself and think if only you'd behaved differently things would be OK. Round here we have a stick for regularly bashing the guilt monster when it rears its ugly head. I think its your turn to have it.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their experiences and advice, but in the meantime have a look round, there are so many useful threads and loads of support here.
 

Tulip46

New member
Oct 24, 2020
9
Hi, that must be so hard for you after having had your Mum live with you for 8 years. You shouldn’t beat yourself up about her going into a home, you have to look after yourself as well. My Mum was diagnosed in January aged 68 and my Nan (her Mum) died of Alzheimer’s when she was 68. Now my Mum has got to this age she says she doesn’t want to go in a care home, but when my Nan was unwell my Mum used to always say to me if I get ill with Alzheimer’s you must put me in a home, if I say I don’t want to just remember this moment.
I know it will be extremely hard when it comes to that moment, but I will just have to keep telling myself what my Mum told me when she knew her own mind. I hope you soon start to feel you have done the right thing, for your Mum and for you. Coronavirus has made everything so difficult and that must have made it really tough for you not settling her in. Take care of yourself
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,893
South coast
Om sure you have made the right decision.
I reached burn out just before Christmas and realised that I could no longer do it on my own. It is just unfortunate that it is during covid restrictions, but that wont be forever.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,980
Essex
Dear Jo,

You've made the right decision and as @ Sarasa says if you reached breaking point like I did then a care home is the right place. I felt guilt and grief when I put dad in a home but of course then there was no pandemic. You've done your mum proud until you could do no more now someone else is looking after your 24/7. Is there anyway you could phone the home and ask to do a video call with your mum?

Hugs

MaNaAK
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
96
Hi,
My mum has lived with me for the last 8 years and has had vascular dementia for the last 18 months. I have been on a sabbatical from work for the last year to look after her properly with no care package or any regular help from family members because of the distance. I got to breaking point a couple of months ago. Mum has been in a care home for the last 3 weeks and the feeling of betrayal and guilt is so overwhelming. I couldn't settle her into the home due to covid. And now in wales we are on lockdown. I cry everday not knowing if I have done the right thing and I also miss her lots.
I have done the same this year. I very nearly broke taking care of mum and being an only child with a full time job it just became too much. Nothing I did was enough and I didn’t have enough hours in the day. I dropped mum at the care home gates on 1st June. We have had periods of no visits, then outdoor visits, then no visits again. I’ve had counselling for the guilt. I really feel your pain but it does settle I promise. And after 6 weeks without a visit I saw mum last week and she still smiled when she saw me and she still tells me she loves me. Neither dementia or Covid will take that away. Hang in there. You will get loads of support on here. X
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,115
North West
Hi,
My mum has lived with me for the last 8 years and has had vascular dementia for the last 18 months. I have been on a sabbatical from work for the last year to look after her properly with no care package or any regular help from family members because of the distance. I got to breaking point a couple of months ago. Mum has been in a care home for the last 3 weeks and the feeling of betrayal and guilt is so overwhelming. I couldn't settle her into the home due to covid. And now in wales we are on lockdown. I cry everday not knowing if I have done the right thing and I also miss her lots.
Hi @Jo2012

There isn't a day that go's by I don't think of my mum.

Have you done the right thing? That's a tough question. How long is a piece of string? We could go on forever deciding how long and just the same as we could go on deliberating over placing someone we are close to into a care home. I find personally that I constantly weigh the pros and cons of where we are at now and each time I end up with the thought that no it isn't a perfect soltuion, but its better than where we were almost a year ago -which invloved me taking constant time out for emergency leave, mum declining to the point I could no longer help her and both our anxieties through the roof as she was battling to cope alone while I was at work before the final crisis point plus a siginificant cardiac event that my cardiologist has put down to being stressed/grief induced. Even though I know all of this now in hindsight, if I had to do it all again I would still go through the same emotional battlefield, because our parents for some of us are also some of the closest relationships we have in our lives besides our partners etc. I also think what would mum have said if she could be in the now? The one thing I know for sure is that she would not want me to have continued being on my knees literally with a situation way beyond my control and in the end I am comforted that even though she is in a care home she is not alone all hours of the day, which became one of her worse fears.
 

Jo2012

New member
Oct 27, 2020
7
I have done the same this year. I very nearly broke taking care of mum and being an only child with a full time job it just became too much. Nothing I did was enough and I didn’t have enough hours in the day. I dropped mum at the care home gates on 1st June. We have had periods of no visits, then outdoor visits, then no visits again. I’ve had counselling for the guilt. I really feel your pain but it does settle I promise. And after 6 weeks without a visit I saw mum last week and she still smiled when she saw me and she still tells me she loves me. Neither dementia or Covid will take that away. Hang in there. You will get loads of support on here. X
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I am having counselling every week to help. I just feel like a part of me has been ripped away as we were with each other every single day 24/7. I am feeling a little better reading all the messages xx
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
850
Hello @Jo2012 . It's very difficult dealing with conflicting emotions about moving a parent on into a care home. Even though the carer in us knows deep down that it's the right thing to do, it still feels wrong to the daughter/son in us. You have done a marvelous job caring for your mum all that time.

It is particularly hard at the moment with visiting restrictions but many care homes recommend not visiting at first, to help the person settle in. When my mum first went into a care home, I visited every day (the care home advised me to do this, which is unusual - but then mum is unusual!) and I regret that now. Mum didn't settle at all well and we had some truly awful and traumatic times. To be honest, the most settled mum has been in over three years in the care home was the first few weeks of lock-down. I now think that, if I hadn't visited so much at the start, she would have settled in much better.

How do the staff say your mum is doing?
 

Jo2012

New member
Oct 27, 2020
7
Hi, that must be so hard for you after having had your Mum live with you for 8 years. You shouldn’t beat yourself up about her going into a home, you have to look after yourself as well. My Mum was diagnosed in January aged 68 and my Nan (her Mum) died of Alzheimer’s when she was 68. Now my Mum has got to this age she says she doesn’t want to go in a care home, but when my Nan was unwell my Mum used to always say to me if I get ill with Alzheimer’s you must put me in a home, if I say I don’t want to just remember this moment.
I know it will be extremely hard when it comes to that moment, but I will just have to keep telling myself what my Mum told me when she knew her own mind. I hope you soon start to feel you have done the right thing, for your Mum and for you. Coronavirus has made everything so difficult and that must have made it really tough for you not settling her in. Take care of yourself
Thank you for your very kind words. I really do hope you are doing ok xx
 

Jo2012

New member
Oct 27, 2020
7
Hi @Jo2012 , and welcome to dementia talking point. Covid is making the move to a care home a 100 times worse than it was before. Not being able to regularly visit must be so hard, but this will pass and you'll be able to build a new, different relationship with her.
If you got to breaking point you've made the right decision. How ever much we love our person with dementia looking after them at home without a lot of help is well nigh impossible, however good the relationship was before hand. It is all too easy to blame yourself and think if only you'd behaved differently things would be OK. Round here we have a stick for regularly bashing the guilt monster when it rears its ugly head. I think its your turn to have it.
I'm sure others will be along soon with their experiences and advice, but in the meantime have a look round, there are so many useful threads and loads of support here.
Thank you, yes the stick is with me and bashing very hard! Already the replies I have had are helping. Xx
 

Jo2012

New member
Oct 27, 2020
7
Thank you
Om sure you have made the right decision.
I reached burn out just before Christmas and realised that I could no longer do it on my own. It is just unfortunate that it is during covid restrictions, but that wont be forever.
Thank you. It really is a tough decision but I have done it now and all I can do at the moment is build up a good relationship with the home, and they are all so thoughtful and very helpful towards my many questions and anxiety xx
 

Jo2012

New member
Oct 27, 2020
7
Dear Jo,

You've made the right decision and as @ Sarasa says if you reached breaking point like I did then a care home is the right place. I felt guilt and grief when I put dad in a home but of course then there was no pandemic. You've done your mum proud until you could do no more now someone else is looking after your 24/7. Is there anyway you could phone the home and ask to do a video call with your mum?

Hugs

MaNaAK
Thank you

I tried the video call but it really confused mum, when we have done this before to family members when mum was home I was always beside her helping her as her speech can be very poor. I hope you are doing ok xx
 

Jo2012

New member
Oct 27, 2020
7
I have done the same this year. I very nearly broke taking care of mum and being an only child with a full time job it just became too much. Nothing I did was enough and I didn’t have enough hours in the day. I dropped mum at the care home gates on 1st June. We have had periods of no visits, then outdoor visits, then no visits again. I’ve had counselling for the guilt. I really feel your pain but it does settle I promise. And after 6 weeks without a visit I saw mum last week and she still smiled when she saw me and she still tells me she loves me. Neither dementia or Covid will take that away. Hang in there. You will get loads of support on here. X
Thank you ❤❤