have I gone through grief already

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by bills, Apr 24, 2015.

  1. bills

    bills Registered User

    Apr 24, 2015
    2
    hi firstly, new to this my lovely mum passed away on march 14th I still can't believe it.my mum lived with me along time before she fell and broke her hip, then she moved into a carehome they were great I felt sad about the move but soon realised being on my own with a child the stress was to much for me,I have no guilt I gave mum the best years we had a fantastic time I have all our lovely memories gosh did we laugh!! but as you know alzhiemers is the hardest thing to cope with even if you think your strong.i broke down many times in the past 2 years never cried so much in my life, so have i already gone through my grief :confused:
     
  2. catbells

    catbells Registered User

    Jun 14, 2010
    384
    Cambridgeshire
    I lost my Mum on the 15th March so like you still learning to recognise this different grief. If it helps, I creid more during the years before her passing. I never thought I would be dealing with dementia, it was a shock and it needed a crisis for me to realise how bad things were. Cry, like you cried niagra falls, then I had to take responsibility. The only child, with the support of my own family moved her without her permission, she was diagnoised 4 weeks after with cardio-vascular, mixed dementia - SEVERE!!!! This was more traumatic for me than her, then another move 12 months later to a dementia secure unit - more and more tears, and so it went on throughout the long goodbye witnessing my Mum disappearing, then I felt I was no longer special to her, more more more tears, more tears when having to made decisions during her last few months and days. Was I doing everything she would have wanted - it was hard. I was with her when she slipped away - the tears were different, the responsibility taken away too. I like you have no regrets, I visited her every day, and more latterly helped her at lunchtimes - it didn`t matter now if she knew who I was, but deep down she knew I was speciail, but she couldnt express it. Her speech gone, but we enjoyed lots of hugs and kisses and giggles, about what, we`re not sure. I did everything I could to ensure she was well cared for, worked with the team of carers and latterly with the GP, who backed my decisions after a discussion with her. Yes the grief will continue as you and I both readjust, recover and reflect. So expect the different tears now, let them flow. Be happy that your Mum is free of this dreadful condition and you a new life too. I wish you well. Time will heal. There is no good dwelling on the past, we must look forward, we can`t change anything, and perhaps like me you have been through the "did it really happen" or as someone else on TP siad it was surreal
    Big big hug
    Heather x:)
     
  3. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    #3 lin1, Apr 25, 2015
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2015
    Hello.
    My condolences to you.
    We all experience grief differently
    Please don't worry about not grieving now, it may well be that you have grieved enough before,
    personally I think this one is most likely, as it is only a few weeks since you lost your Dear Mum and their is so much to do afterwards that you're going through a numb period.
    It is also possible that you don't need to grieve or even feel relief that the person you love is no longer suffering.
    I want to reassure you that it is all normal.

    Over the years I have lost many people I cared about and have experienced all the above
     
  4. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    Everyone is different - I too thought I had done my grieving whilst my husband was in the Nursing Home last year but find now four months after his death that I am experiencing a different type of grief - kinder, more gentle, memories that do make me cry but not uncontrollably anymore - just a "missing him so much but able to get on with my life" type of grief. You may find you go through phases when it seems worse on some days and then other days you are more in control. Just be kind to yourself and try to remember all the good times with your Mother rather than the last sad times. Thinking of you WIFE
     
  5. J2e

    J2e Registered User

    Apr 24, 2015
    27
    Brighton
    Beautifully written WIFE. And the "be kind to yourself" words are especially wise - I chose these as my words to live by at the beginning of the year. This was the wisest thing I've possibly ever done.

    Let yourself feel without too much analysis. If you're having a bright day enjoy it - don't feel bad for feeling bright, don't feel guilty. If you're having a sad day be kind to yourself through it. It's confusing. And I find the not knowing difficult - will tomorrow be bright or sad? But never has the "take each day as it comes" phrase been more applicable

    It's almost 12 weeks since Mum left me. I've had really sad days, a couple of really bright days, and a lot of days in between. I catch myself thinking is this normal? Am I grieving properly? Have I already grieved so much for Mum over the past 13 years that's there's only a bit left? I don't know the answers. I suspect none of us do. All we can do is go with it and be kind to ourselves.

    Best wishes to you
    Jane


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     

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