Have I done the right thing?


Registered User
Mar 15, 2006
Today I spoke with Mums Social Worker and agreed that it is time to start looking for a home for Mum.

As I am moving abroad later this year I need to know that she will be safe and looked after.

My sisters are no use and I know they will object strongly to my decision, because whatever I do they shout at me, but they dont seem to be there for Mum so I have no choice. I have had to call barr one of their numbers with BT from calling my home due to abusive calls and its getting me down.

Dad passed away in June and I feel I am letting both him and Mum down by this move. It is breaking my heart. I just hope that once Mum has moved she will feel settled. She has carers calling twice a day but apart from that she is alone for a lot of the time. I see her when I can and take her to all her appointments ( doctors, dentists etc) but its not enough. She is lonely. I am hoping that being in a Home will provide company as well as the safety I feel she now needs.

What a horrible decision to make. I only hope its the right one.

Sorry for moaning, but feeling a little sad and a bit of a failure at the moment. :(


Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Maria, You do what you have to do and if your sisters object, offer them the responsibility.
You are bound to feel sad, but don`t feel a failure, you are doing your best, which is more than it seems your sisters are doing. There is always 1 in a family who bears the burden.
If you get your mother settled before you go away, you should be reassured. I wish you luck. Sylvia

Linda Mc

Registered User
Jul 3, 2005
Nr Mold
Your sisters are the ones failing your Mum not you.

I have no experience of the problems you are facing regarding a home but send you my best wishes.

Linda x


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
Its hard I know trying not to let the stress worry get to you , just keep that goal focus in your mind of going to Spain . we only get one go at life, and if you do not go to Spain your always wonder “what If”. So your doing right for your mum , just like Sylvia says

If you get your mother settled before you go away, you should be reassured
Hope in the future when you are in Spain your pop in & let us know how your getting on .
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Registered User
Aug 24, 2006
Due to your sisters' attitude to the situation you have to factor their potential objections out of any decision you make. They haven't earned the right to have their views considered, in my opinion.

The key to this situation is constant care for your mother and constant company/stimulation. Loneliness is very damaging when it comes to dementia, I've seen it. Your mother will be happier being in constant direct contact with others, it's the best thing for her as you cant' rely on your sisters to be of any substantial use.

Don't carry guilt around with you, leave it in England.


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
I agree with everything that has been posted so far. I'm a "long distance carer", and although there are a lot of hassles involved in this role, it is doable. The key is to find people you can rely on, even if they are paid rather than family (I'm an "only" so that's all I can do).

The only other thing I wanted to mention, because I've only just found it out, is that if you live permananently abroad, you would no longer bee considered your mother's next-of-kin for the purposes of the current mential health act. If you're not the oldest, you wouldn't be either unless your mother lived with you, so this may not be an issue. It may never be an issue, particularly if she is placed in a safe residential situation. It really only comes into play for "sectioning".



Registered User
Jan 18, 2006
I think you are doing the best thing for your Mum. I live abroad and it's only difficult NOT knowing that your Mum is safe.
I rushed over when Mum went out 'walking' at night in her underwear & I vowed she would never be alone again. The care home is fantantic she settled in straightaway because she helped choose it and then went there on an invitation to tea.
She dines with 3 other ladies & can choose to be in the lounge or in her room.
The good things outweigh the not so good things.
Things have changed & Mum has deteriorated so she has moved to a nursing home - so please make your Mum's life safe and comfortable

So best of luck in choosing a care home and yes definately leave your guilt head in England.
Live your life to the full & be happy and your Mum & Dad will be so proud of you.


Registered User
Apr 30, 2006
Hi M
i think you are absolutely doing the right thing
You have had precious little support from your sisters in the past and I think you have coped brilliantly!
It will be so much easier for you to know that your mum will be safe and well looked after when you move away....
Kick the guilt monster where it hurts......you have always done the best you can for your parents.....don't beat yourself up about it
love xx


Registered User
Jan 16, 2007
Sad too!

My mum still lives in her own home and i am desperate to organise care for her but she is being very difficult with accepting carers.
Luckily for me my siblings agree with me and respect my decisions. If they did not I would still go ahead and the same applies about moving mum into a home. Your family have no right to shout at you or abuse you. Everyone I know especially professionals have told me I am entitled to my own life and I am not prepared to sacrifice mine and my husband's life for my mum! However much i care and love her.


Registered User
Nov 24, 2006
Hi Maria Don't feel bad about having to put your mum in a home. Dad had to do the same with mum a couple of months ago. It was very hard the first day, we both cried like babies as soon as we walked through the door but the staff were lovely and quite used to that. Mum has been the happiest I've seen her even though she is unaware of where she is. She is well cared for and receives the best of care even though dad did a wonderful job at home. It is a releif to know that medical help is on hand 24/7. So take heart in the fact that your mum will have around the clock care and there will always be some one there for her to talk to or just sit with her and blow what your sisters think. All the best and let us know how you get on Ann


Registered User
Sep 10, 2005
Dear Maria

Don't feel guilty about doing something that is in the best interests of your mum and you. What sort of person would you be if you didn't? As for your sisters ... well, let them stew. You sound like you've had enough to contend with, so go ahead and plan yours and your mum's future.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Let us know how you get on.


Registered User
Mar 15, 2006
Thanks you all for your lovely messages.

Hopefully the move to Spain will take place in September..but I will still be around! :D ...can't get rid of me that easily!! Ha ha! :)

Thanks once again. Your words mean so much.



Registered User
May 10, 2006
Hi Maria,

I'm almost in the same situation that you are. Our Social Worker's just sent me a list of suitable homes for me to look ( He thinks that she needs a residential EMI home but we think that she needs to go into a nursing EMI home .. This is because the residential home that she went into for a period of respite 8 weeks ago couldn't cope with her.)

Plus I'm getting married in Cincinnati this November and my friends are now telling me that I need to stay there with my new wife. (My original plans were to come beck to the UK after the wedding to be with my mum.) I honestly don't know what I'll do, I'm not sure if I'll be able to leave my mum here on her own... People are telling me that I need to start my life again but I'm sure you all know that it's not as easy as they seem to think it is to just stop caring.

Anyway, I'd better go and get some sleep because it looks like my mum's pension's not gone into the bank, so I'll have to call them up in the morning.... I'll bet it's something to do with the crazy phone call that I go from the DWP on Monday saying that they'd heard from a third source (later to be confirmed as someone from carers allowance). That my mum was already in a care home. There will be hell to pay if they've stopped her pension on "hearsay" .. especially after the fact that I explained the situation to them on Monday ..... (OK, moan number 28 over with ;-) )

Good luck Maria, I hope it all works out for you ok,



Registered User
Aug 9, 2005
Plus I'm getting married in Cincinnati this November and my friends are now telling me that I need to stay there with my new wife.

Congratulations Paul! I realise it must seem like you are between a rock and a hard place regarding where to live after your wedding, but it is still great news! Some people (eg. Jennifer) seem to manage long distance caring very well, but I'm sure it is still a challenge. I have every confidence you will find a way to cope with both your responsibilities - and hopefully will now have someone to support you in doing so!!
All the best for the future - Nell


Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
Newport, Gwent
Hi Maria and Paul

It's hard, but I think you both must cling onto the fact that you are both entitled to live your own lives............... you do the best you can............and if this means you have to make alternative arrangements for parents............so be it.....

Please remember NH is not prison!!!! In my experience mum is 150% better off.......... she has company 24/7 and is very well looked after...........

Good luck to you both for a brighter future.


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