My husband was diagnosed with dementia last Friday, he is 53, obviously we are both in shock even though I'd suspected it for some time. My husband has just asked me how long before he'll be allowed to drive again and start looking for work, he then went on to tell me he thought dementia was cureable, I've told him I think we need to talk to our GP but that I don't think he'll drive or work again. He looks absolutley devastated, have I done the right thing or should I have dealt with this differently?
Have I done right by telling him the truth?
- Thread starter johnsoj2
- Start date
Hi
I think hubby had a right to know
I think being honest with him is the best way and would stop further disapointment in the near future,although further down the line he might not understand why he cant work or drive
But it must have been very hard telling your hubby something so heartbreaking
Take Care x x x
I think hubby had a right to know
I think being honest with him is the best way and would stop further disapointment in the near future,although further down the line he might not understand why he cant work or drive
But it must have been very hard telling your hubby something so heartbreaking
Take Care x x x
Welcome to TP johnso and I am very sorry to learn about your husband.
But this is a good place and I hope you find this website as helpful and warm and sensible as I have done.
There are not necessarily rights and wrongs in what we tell people. I think the suggestion that you talk to the GP is a good one - but it may be that you then decide not to. My husband is not able to talk about his illness and for me that is yet another painful part of trying to live with dementia as it is very lonely. For both of us.
My husband has been ill for some years and in many ways he manages best by living in denial. Of course that is not always possible - I had a very difficult time when he was setting out to drive without insurance or a valid licence. He had a difficult time too.
I am sure you will feel your way and rely on your instincts ... and keep coming here because here we are all struggling away doing our best and not being perfect.
But this is a good place and I hope you find this website as helpful and warm and sensible as I have done.
There are not necessarily rights and wrongs in what we tell people. I think the suggestion that you talk to the GP is a good one - but it may be that you then decide not to. My husband is not able to talk about his illness and for me that is yet another painful part of trying to live with dementia as it is very lonely. For both of us.
My husband has been ill for some years and in many ways he manages best by living in denial. Of course that is not always possible - I had a very difficult time when he was setting out to drive without insurance or a valid licence. He had a difficult time too.
I am sure you will feel your way and rely on your instincts ... and keep coming here because here we are all struggling away doing our best and not being perfect.
Hi Johnsoj2 and welcome to Talking Point.
I agree with Carara. I think if your husband understands that he has been told not to drive then it wouldn't really be a kindness to give him hope that this will change
If he keeps asking in the future though it might be better to move the blame on to his doctors. So rather than saying "you will get worse" you could say "the doctor will keep checking you and if you improve you could get your licence back". That is actually perfectly true it is just that, sadly, you know it is not likely to happen
I agree with Carara. I think if your husband understands that he has been told not to drive then it wouldn't really be a kindness to give him hope that this will change
If he keeps asking in the future though it might be better to move the blame on to his doctors. So rather than saying "you will get worse" you could say "the doctor will keep checking you and if you improve you could get your licence back". That is actually perfectly true it is just that, sadly, you know it is not likely to happen
Dear Johnsoj2
What devastating news for your husband and yourself - at 53 he is young to have this diagnosis.
Have you done the right thing by telling him? Well, you obviously know him best, and what his particular problems are, and how your relationship works.
If he is still able to understand well (albeit with an element of denial where he says that he thought it was curable) then it would be difficult to hide it fully from him in terms of what medics say in front of him, or the clinic you might visit to see the Consultant, etc etc.
But having said it, and seeing his devastation, perhaps it is now time to just let it sink in, as much as it can, and work on how to deal with the problems as best you can. You have a name to identify what is causing the problems, now you just need to find a way to live with them. I'm sorry, that sounds so simple, and I realise it's not, but I guess it is the bottom line. When my mum used to ask what was going to happen (she had a lot of insight with regard to her dementia) I used to tell her that I didn't know, but that we would try our hardest to make it the best it could be. Obviously I couldn't guarantee that, but she needed to feel reassured.
Read here on the website about what help there is out there, and join in with the forum if you feel it helps, or just read about how other people are dealing with their lives and particular problems - always remembering that each person's dementia is peculiar to them, and whilst there are similarities there is no set path.
Best wishes x
What devastating news for your husband and yourself - at 53 he is young to have this diagnosis.
Have you done the right thing by telling him? Well, you obviously know him best, and what his particular problems are, and how your relationship works.
If he is still able to understand well (albeit with an element of denial where he says that he thought it was curable) then it would be difficult to hide it fully from him in terms of what medics say in front of him, or the clinic you might visit to see the Consultant, etc etc.
But having said it, and seeing his devastation, perhaps it is now time to just let it sink in, as much as it can, and work on how to deal with the problems as best you can. You have a name to identify what is causing the problems, now you just need to find a way to live with them. I'm sorry, that sounds so simple, and I realise it's not, but I guess it is the bottom line. When my mum used to ask what was going to happen (she had a lot of insight with regard to her dementia) I used to tell her that I didn't know, but that we would try our hardest to make it the best it could be. Obviously I couldn't guarantee that, but she needed to feel reassured.
Read here on the website about what help there is out there, and join in with the forum if you feel it helps, or just read about how other people are dealing with their lives and particular problems - always remembering that each person's dementia is peculiar to them, and whilst there are similarities there is no set path.
Best wishes x
Sorry to hear you husband has dementia what now well its best to get positive and carry on as before don’t rush into giving up work or driving , I was diagnosed at age 57 continued working for 8 years until my retirement at age 65 I have continued driving no problems what so ever I’m 70 now I don’t think dementia is curable but it can in some cases be slowed down with medication I’ve been on Aricept for 14 years and live life to the full, as far as telling him the truth well if he doesn’t get his head around it himself not sure what he will do
Living in Spain.
So sorry to hear your news about your husband. My husband is still driving with no problems as long as I am with him with directions he has always been a good careful driver and whilst he continues I don't see a problem with him driving locally. We have never really sat down and discussed his illness, he just says 'my memory is bad today or I have lost the plot today., This works for us, personally knowing my husband he would be very depressed if I said that the reason for his memory loss and confusion was alzheimers or dementia. I admit I am a bit of a coward and don't really want to upset him,I know honesty is the best policy but I now just take one day at a time. Our friends are really supportive. Everyone is different and you will be the best judge in how to deal with the problems. having said that it is so good to come on here and get other peoples opinions its a very comforting to off load. All the best.
So sorry to hear your news about your husband. My husband is still driving with no problems as long as I am with him with directions he has always been a good careful driver and whilst he continues I don't see a problem with him driving locally. We have never really sat down and discussed his illness, he just says 'my memory is bad today or I have lost the plot today., This works for us, personally knowing my husband he would be very depressed if I said that the reason for his memory loss and confusion was alzheimers or dementia. I admit I am a bit of a coward and don't really want to upset him,I know honesty is the best policy but I now just take one day at a time. Our friends are really supportive. Everyone is different and you will be the best judge in how to deal with the problems. having said that it is so good to come on here and get other peoples opinions its a very comforting to off load. All the best.
can you recall how long it took for Aricept to work for you? My hubby has been on 5mg for 3 weeks roughly and I keep looking for signs, any sign! I think there is a change but then I wonder if I am making it up if you understand what I mean.
I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. Your husband is so young! We have recently been diagnosed too. I say we because we share everything. As my husbands parents suffered from this dreadful disease we always maintained we would be honest and up front if Geoff ever showed signs and that is what we have done. We are making decisions now together about all sorts of things. This is of course not for everyone but it is how we decided to deal with it. Good luck to you both.
