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Have had to make a tough decision

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
313
Hi there


I agree with the sage advice given here...this is the dementia talking, not your NaN as you remember her. This is a cruel, brutal disease that robs sufferers in the most awful ways.

please don’t take it personally it really isn’t directed at you. All your Nan is seeing is her house being sold but she probably doesn’t know why...this caused her to react. I would guess your Nan is feeling she’s losing in independence? Especially if she has a,ways been independent.

It was the same with my Mum when I tried to get her to see her GP for a diagnosis, she found out that I’d been contacting her GP Surgery for help and advice, her reaction was exclude me completely from her GP. I found that incredibly hurtful because all was doing was trying to help. But seeing it from her perspective I think I would be annoyed too.

Frustrating I know.
Firstly I want to agree with everyone who has advised against changing the POA or will.

One thing I have recently done is asked my dad to sign a letter giving the GP consent to discuss the medical issues with me. Without that you can't expect to discuss anything with the PWD's doctor. I recommend others to do that before it becomes impossible as dementia progresses. I am constantly amazed at all the references to talking with GPs in this forum. I can't imagine being able to call my own GP never mind someone else's and get to speak to the GP. They are protected by receptionists. They don't divulge their mobile numbers or personal email addresses. The days of Dr. Finlay answering the phone at Arden House seem long gone. I am wondering how people manage to have these useful conversations!
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,461
One thing I have recently done is asked my dad to sign a letter giving the GP consent to discuss the medical issues with me. Without that you can't expect to discuss anything with the PWD's doctor. I recommend others to do that before it becomes impossible as dementia progresses. I am constantly amazed at all the references to talking with GPs in this forum. I can't imagine being able to call my own GP never mind someone else's and get to speak to the GP. They are protected by receptionists. They don't divulge their mobile numbers or personal email addresses. The days of Dr. Finlay answering the phone at Arden House seem long gone. I am wondering how people manage to have these useful conversations!
If you have Health & Welfare power of attorney it's useful to provide the GP with a copy of that too. I've never had any trouble with mum's GP refusing to speak to me about mum, even without a letter from mum providing her consent or a copy of the LPA, but some GP's are more reluctant than others to do this. If I need to speak to mum's GP the receptionists pass on the message and he always calls back the same day.

Personally, I've been finding it a lot easier to speak to my own GP during the covid situation. The receptionists have arranged telephone consultations and when the GP needs to see me in person I am given an appointment, usually the same day. The surgery is no longer open to 'walk-in' visitors and is only giving appointments at the surgery if the matter can't be resolved during the phone consultation so it is now lovely and quiet and there is no hanging around for ages because other people's appointments have overrun. It will be disappointing when the service returns to 'normal' :(
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,632
South coast
One thing to remember about speaking to the GP is that if there is no POA or authorisation from the PWD, then yes, the GP cannot talk to you about them, or discuss things with you - but they can listen, while you talk to them and explain your concerns.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
923
Southampton
doesnt your doctors do an e-consult service then you bypass the receptionist or care navigators that mine do. and you need permission to talk about anyone unless safeguarding. im missing mine but thankful of what they have done in the last four months
 

lensgirl

Registered User
Jan 14, 2020
49
My nans GP has been brilliant and discussed concerns with us, as well as forwarding me letters that he has sent to nan mainly in relation to her driving when she no longer has her license. Nan also gave permission for the consultant to speak to me and to also include me in any letters that they send to her. Unfortunately this latest outburst seems to have stemmed from me asking for her bank card details to give to her solicitors for her searches, and her speaking to her bank who told her that she must never give her card details to a single person. That has resulted in her not trusting me and believing that I am using it for my own purposes. Whilst I understand that bank person is trying to protect her, either nan has taken their words out of context (quite possible) or they need to retrain to word things perhaps a little more sensitively.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
313
My nans GP has been brilliant and discussed concerns with us, as well as forwarding me letters that he has sent to nan mainly in relation to her driving when she no longer has her license. Nan also gave permission for the consultant to speak to me and to also include me in any letters that they send to her. Unfortunately this latest outburst seems to have stemmed from me asking for her bank card details to give to her solicitors for her searches, and her speaking to her bank who told her that she must never give her card details to a single person. That has resulted in her not trusting me and believing that I am using it for my own purposes. Whilst I understand that bank person is trying to protect her, either nan has taken their words out of context (quite possible) or they need to retrain to word things perhaps a little more sensitively.
If you have a financial POA you should be able to get whatever details you need directly from the bank so no need to ask your nan to divulge anything.
 

May30

Registered User
Feb 25, 2017
48
I used to write my mums GP a letter outlining any issues and concerns and asking them to contact me. I would drop it off at the reception. Sometimes this worked better than speaking to someone at reception as I could give more detail to the doctor directly. This was before the current situation however. I initially got my mum to write a letter to her GP explaining that he had permission to discuss matters with me.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
576
We were able to discuss Mums medical needs with her GP without any problems, initially I wrote a letter outlining our concerns which led to a referral and diagnosis of AZ. Then as Mum stopped driving, she needed someone to take her to the surgery and she was quite happy for one of us to be with her during the consultation. The surgrey and any hospital consultants were happy to send us text reminders of appointments as they knew Mum would not be able to go on her own.

Mum now lives in a care home, being discharged there in April this year following a stay in hospital. Since the move, she is now registered with a new GP who looks after most of the residents ( it's too far for her old GP to visit) and when Mum complained of back pain, the doctor went to the home to visit her even though most consultations are currently by phone. This was to give her a chance to meet Mum and assess if the pain was linked to her breast cancer or just old age. The new GP has phoned me a couple of times, to introduce herself, discuss a DNR and future treatment plans for the cancer. I can phone the surgery if I need to speak to her although I am happy for the manager at the home to be the main contact.

She even spoke to the oncology consultant at the hospital to get his advice and agree a non invasive care plan without the need for mum to see him in person. Very thorough!

I have not given this new GP a copy of the LPA although she is aware that the care home have a copy. It is very reassuring to know that Mum is well looked after by a very insightful doctor who, having now met Mum, has a baseline assessment to refer back to. The doctor has asked the home to provide Mum with high calorie food and extra snacks as she has lost almost a stone in the past three months and she now has weekly updates on her weight.

I guess we have been very lucky, both with the care home and with the new doctor, we were not able to visit the home before Mum went there but it had been recommended to us by a couple of friends with parents there and also by professionals who work in the local community and have visited it ( the WI network is fantastic!) .

I would be very cross if either of these doctors had refused to talk to me or my sister about Mums needs, it must be frustrating when a medical person does not appreciate the needs of a person with AZ.
 

Firecatcher

Registered User
Jan 6, 2020
53
I’m really sorry your going through this. As others have said I wouldn’t revoke the Power of Attorney as once its done that’s it. I’ve recently had problems with my Mum and wanted to relinquish POA as I was so stressed but realised it would make things much more complicated further down the line.
 

cobden 28

Registered User
Dec 15, 2017
75
Hi @lensgirl ,
I would suggest you support your sister in the background, as you say you will, and wait for your nan's reactions to your not visiting and calling her any longer. She might also calm down...or not take notice of your new behaviour...or miss you.
Who knows. Dementia is so unpredictable.
I would neither remove myself from the POA nor ask your nan to remove you from her will.
The POA might be useful when her dementia worsens and in case you should help your sister with managing your nan.
Re your nan's will, your being removed from it may result in economic damage to you, only because you took offence of the whims and suspects of a demented old lady.
Is it worth it?
If your Nan has dementia she may not be mentally competent to change her will, so her will as it stands currently may have to remain. When my late Dad wanted to change his will about a year before he died, he needed to be examned by a consultant psychiatrist to ensure he was mentally competent enough to understand the implications of what he was proposing to do. The psychiatrist's report said, Dad had 'senile dementia to a marked degree' so Dad's solicitor wuldn't allow the will to be changed..