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Hate my sister

Finonie

New member
Sep 3, 2019
8
0
My wee mum (Alzheimer, vascular dementia, Parkinson’s) lives with me and my sons. I have changed my work pattern to care for her. I have converted my garage into a grannex. I deal with carers, social work, pharmacy, GP, hospital, relatives, occasional visits from old friends, admin, finances, SDS, the lot. I also have a demanding job, a neurotic manager, and am trying to deal with the fact that my eldest is leaving for Uni in a few weeks. My sister is a cow. She lives in her perfect, affluent little bubble-with her husband, less than an hour away. She is a part-time primary school teacher. Currently on her usual 6-week break. I am about at breaking point. I have asked my sister to help- even taking mum out for a couple hours at weekends would make such a difference-but only get excuses. She makes me feel guilty for asking. In her head it was my choice to move mum in with me. I am so very tired. It feels like there’s never a break. Mum has started to get really confused with day/night so I can’t even get a good night’s sleep. I feel bad for even writing this and know I need to stay strong but it is so hard. Mum can’t do anything any more. I am glad to be working at home just now so I know I can manage her meds 4 times a day. I’ve asked for respite, just a week here and there, but in Scotland NHs are pretty much closed because of Covid. Sorry to mump and moan. Does anyone else have siblings who are utterly selfish and really quite horrible?
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,546
0
69
Dundee
Welcome to the forum @Finonie.

I’m sorry you‘re having such a bad time. Do you have any help from outside carers/agencies? If your mum has input from Social Services I would phone her care manager and let them know that you are at breaking point. Even though things are more difficult due to the Covid situation you still need to let them know that things are bad. I’m also in Scotland and I know that things are easing a bit regarding the NHS and perhaps this might be true of Social Services. You may not get respite just now but it would be wise to get on record how bad things are.

I’m glad you’ve found this forum and I know you will find help and support here. Alzheimer‘s Scotland also have a helpline which is open 24/7. It might be useful to have a chat with someone there. The number is in this link -

 

Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
549
0
Yes, mine hasn’t seen mum since June last year.(ok March to now is obviously impossible).
I mirror you except I have one child at home and don’t work which is probably why I can just about cope most of the time. It’s hard and horrid at times and wouldn’t it be nice to have a break even if you didn’t go away, just a chance to be normal?
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,219
0
Scotland
I’m in Scotland too. Nursing homes are informing relatives that visiting can resume after 31 st July albeit with care. Please contact Alzheimer Scotland and ask to speak to a dementia advisor. They won’t rush out and whisk her away but they will direct you to the right places for help. If you are in Glasgow I can give you a phone number of one of the best advisors but in truth I found them all to be great.

Also if you phone adult social services and ask for urgent respite help they will appoint someone to your case. Don’t delay if you are at breaking point. There are vacant places but fewer than usual. Start the ball rolling now.

Re your sister - forget her for your own peace of mind. When my husband brought his handicapped sister back to Scotland numerous people promised to do all kinds of things to help. Twenty years later the only one doing anything is me. For years I simmered at how my life had been changed with no one acknowledging it. Believe me it did me no good. Put your practical hat on and sort out help and you’ll feel better about the mess you’ve landed in. Your sister can live with her conscience.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,418
0
Essex
My wee mum (Alzheimer, vascular dementia, Parkinson’s) lives with me and my sons. I have changed my work pattern to care for her. I have converted my garage into a grannex. I deal with carers, social work, pharmacy, GP, hospital, relatives, occasional visits from old friends, admin, finances, SDS, the lot. I also have a demanding job, a neurotic manager, and am trying to deal with the fact that my eldest is leaving for Uni in a few weeks. My sister is a cow. She lives in her perfect, affluent little bubble-with her husband, less than an hour away. She is a part-time primary school teacher. Currently on her usual 6-week break. I am about at breaking point. I have asked my sister to help- even taking mum out for a couple hours at weekends would make such a difference-but only get excuses. She makes me feel guilty for asking. In her head it was my choice to move mum in with me. I am so very tired. It feels like there’s never a break. Mum has started to get really confused with day/night so I can’t even get a good night’s sleep. I feel bad for even writing this and know I need to stay strong but it is so hard. Mum can’t do anything any more. I am glad to be working at home just now so I know I can manage her meds 4 times a day. I’ve asked for respite, just a week here and there, but in Scotland NHs are pretty much closed because of Covid. Sorry to mump and moan. Does anyone else have siblings who are utterly selfish and really quite horrible?

Yes I've just replied to my thread Stressed About Clearing Out Mother's House which should read Stressed About Clearing Out Father's House in the Covid section try reading some of this. Your mum needs more care and I think you need to make enquiries about getting carers in and eventually maybe a home.

Thinking of you

MaNaAk
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
593
0
My wee mum (Alzheimer, vascular dementia, Parkinson’s) lives with me and my sons. I have changed my work pattern to care for her. I have converted my garage into a grannex. I deal with carers, social work, pharmacy, GP, hospital, relatives, occasional visits from old friends, admin, finances, SDS, the lot. I also have a demanding job, a neurotic manager, and am trying to deal with the fact that my eldest is leaving for Uni in a few weeks. My sister is a cow. She lives in her perfect, affluent little bubble-with her husband, less than an hour away. She is a part-time primary school teacher. Currently on her usual 6-week break. I am about at breaking point. I have asked my sister to help- even taking mum out for a couple hours at weekends would make such a difference-but only get excuses. She makes me feel guilty for asking. In her head it was my choice to move mum in with me. I am so very tired. It feels like there’s never a break. Mum has started to get really confused with day/night so I can’t even get a good night’s sleep. I feel bad for even writing this and know I need to stay strong but it is so hard. Mum can’t do anything any more. I am glad to be working at home just now so I know I can manage her meds 4 times a day. I’ve asked for respite, just a week here and there, but in Scotland NHs are pretty much closed because of Covid. Sorry to mump and moan. Does anyone else have siblings who are utterly selfish and really quite horrible?
I am afraid that siblings often have no notion whatsoever about the depth of responsibility and care which lay at the door of the family member who has taken on that role. It can be pure apathy or indeed reluctance. Whatever, you have quite enough on your plate without added angst. As others have suggested wisely here, seek Support from the appropriate bodies which is your right. Let "family" alone. Sometimes as Carer you are the innocent target and subject to totally unfounded criticism or advice which has no foundation whatsoever in reality - much of this in respect of close family or siblings, evolves out of unspoken guilt or an extraordinary kind of jealousy, which is complex and shadows deeper conflicts of conscience.
You do not require that kind of complication!

With goodwill and warm wishes.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
555
0
My younger brother lives a ten minute walk from Dad's home. I live a seven hour drive away. My older brother lives halfway between us.

Dad has been in care for 15 months and younger brother has yet to step into the home.

He's the youngest so the whole family baby him. It drives me up the wall. I had tried delegating a few things to him. He might do one thing, but would decide unilaterally that he'd 'done his bit' or didn't like it and would stop or not do something (and not tell me). A clear sign not to ask him again. And unfortunately as the baby, he's never really had to do anything he doesn't want to.

I finally called him and asked how much he wants to be involved. He wants updates by text but that's it, essentially.

I was really angry for a long time but - and I don't know if this is the same for your sister - he can't mentally cope with the fact that dad is unwell. He can't seem to wrap his head around that dad wasn't just being nasty when he started to get symptoms, he couldn't help it. He buries his head in the sand - always has - and tries to ignore everything. I have no influence over this and I think I've finally let it go. We don't have a close relationship as a result but we're not fighting, because I have dropped it.

Oh just read the bit about siblings living with themselves: I have to do my best to feel centered and happy. I can say I have done my best with what resources I have to help Dad. Can our siblings say that they have done everything they can and done their best for our parents? They have to live with that.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,418
0
Essex
Dear @Finonie,

I'm so sorry I've read your thread again and you already have carers so as we emerge from lockdown nows the time to start finding out about care homes again. I suggest you start with your local authority to see whether your mum will be self-funding or not and seeing what's available in your area.

MaNaAk
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
905
0
Hi @Finonie, the support you are giving Mum is amazing, with much self-sacrifice. I'm sure when you agreed to look after Mum you couldn't have envisaged how challenging it would become - it's rare that we do. Your sister sound incredibly selfish, and that may be the case or that she is simply in denial and doesn't want to see Mum as she now is, or perhaps somewhere in between the two. You certainly shouldn't feel guilty for asking at all - it is her Mum and she should want to help. I don't think you should stop asking - but proceed on the basis that any support you do receive is something that can't be planned for or relied upon. I don't think anyone can have the understanding of how challenging the juggling act you are doing is unless they have walked in your shoes.

It does sound as though Mum has moved on to the next stage with her night time wandering, which can be extremely draining for you. Hopefully you can get some respite care soon, you may have to start thinking long term and whether you can continue to support Mum at home with the existing level of care (e.g. residential or increased night-time care support). All the best, stay strong.
 

imthedaughter

Registered User
Apr 3, 2019
555
0
@ Im the daughter,
Until they become carers or need care themselves...

MaNaAk
Ah he would never become a carer, he would extract himself from the situation somehow! Although I wonder if he would make an exception for our nan. If ever he needs care himself I don't know what would happen - we are currently the end of the line, he has no kids or partner. Put it this way - dad's GP asked him to pick up a prescription when dad had sepsis once, he refused, saying he'd done his bit for the day. The community team picked it up instead. I was mortified but too far away to be of any help.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,264
0
Hi @Finonie I will echo what @marionq said and forget your sister. It's hard but it will eat away at you if you don't. She clearly does not want to be involved and as long as you are doing everything she doesn't need to get involved. It is sad because a little bit of help goes a long way but right now you need to focus on yourself and getting some proper help and it sounds like a care home would be the best option.

I know that it is difficult at this present time but you need to get the ball rolling and contact social services.

The sibling problem is very common but they usually come around in the end especially if money is involved.

Keep posting.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
3,418
0
Essex
Ah he would never become a carer, he would extract himself from the situation somehow! Although I wonder if he would make an exception for our nan. If ever he needs care himself I don't know what would happen - we are currently the end of the line, he has no kids or partner. Put it this way - dad's GP asked him to pick up a prescription when dad had sepsis once, he refused, saying he'd done his bit for the day. The community team picked it up instead. I was mortified but too far away to be of any help.

Dear @imthedaughter,

When you're brother is older and he develops something other than dementia he's going to realise what a rut he's in. At least us carers with invisibles will know what not to expect.

MaNaAk
 

Finonie

New member
Sep 3, 2019
8
0
Thank you all. I feel better reading your comments and my heart goes out to everyone who cares for someone with Alzheimer’s. I was having a bad day when I wrote the original post...I’m sure there’ll be plenty more bad days but for now I am glad that lockdown is easing and schools go back tomorrow. A wee bit of normal routine returns. Mum has started to hallucinate (not sure if that’s the right word) and was convinced earlier today that her brother, my uncle, was here. So that was today’s little surprise symptom 🤷‍♀️
 

PMM1485

Registered User
Dec 16, 2018
48
0
Oh hun, you are doing a fantastic job. Don't be afraid of getting help when you can get it. It's not failing to put your mum in long term care. Even if you work from home that is not easy. When mum was living with me I was pulling ridiculous hours to make up for all the time lost when she needed my care. Then I would feel bad because she was left on her own for so long without any stimulation. Add sleep deprivation into the mix and you have the perfect storm. Once you get respite I bet you will wonder how you ever coped. I was so relieved when mum went in, and I knew I couldn't deal on my own anymore. Still feel guilty mind, but you have to have your own life.
Take care and be good to yourself. X
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
326
0
There is terrific advice here, about trying to let go of your expectations of your sister. You're only going to feel angry and frustrated.

Going by my experience with my husband, when broken nights are the norm, you are worn out too and hallucinations start, you re getting to the end of the line.

Dont think you can manage with respite, its hard to find and not even good for ppl with dementia, every time theyre moved they get confused and take a turn for the worse.
Start looking at suitable care homes for long stay, maybe she can go for a respite break to try one, but I would be surprised if you are able to make respite breaks work while keeping her at home most of the time.

Dont leave it too long though, she will very possibly become difficult and aggressive soon, and while such behaviiour may not be frightening in a little old lady, its still very stressful and strains your patience. Full time professional care from ppl who just work a shift and can walk away from it is a better option than one worn out stressed daughter!
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
5,103
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Finonie . I missed your original posting but I know exactly how you felt that day. I’m through the other side now having looked after my dad for seven years - the last four of those with diagnosed dementia- and the only way I survived was to stop asking for help as when I did (even when dad was lying on the floor unable to get up and an 8hr wait for an ambulance) I was told to sort it out myself.

They’ve disowned me now cos dad left me his estate...to be honest I’m relieved!
 

Finonie

New member
Sep 3, 2019
8
0
There is terrific advice here, about trying to let go of your expectations of your sister. You're only going to feel angry and frustrated.

Going by my experience with my husband, when broken nights are the norm, you are worn out too and hallucinations start, you re getting to the end of the line.

Dont think you can manage with respite, its hard to find and not even good for ppl with dementia, every time theyre moved they get confused and take a turn for the worse.
Start looking at suitable care homes for long stay, maybe she can go for a respite break to try one, but I would be surprised if you are able to make respite breaks work while keeping her at home most of the time.

Dont leave it too long though, she will very possibly become difficult and aggressive soon, and while such behaviiour may not be frightening in a little old lady, its still very stressful and strains your patience. Full time professional care from ppl who just work a shift and can walk away from it is a better option than one worn out stressed daughter!
There is terrific advice here, about trying to let go of your expectations of your sister. You're only going to feel angry and frustrated.

Going by my experience with my husband, when broken nights are the norm, you are worn out too and hallucinations start, you re getting to the end of the line.

Dont think you can manage with respite, its hard to find and not even good for ppl with dementia, every time theyre moved they get confused and take a turn for the worse.
Start looking at suitable care homes for long stay, maybe she can go for a respite break to try one, but I would be surprised if you are able to make respite breaks work while keeping her at home most of the time.

Dont leave it too long though, she will very possibly become difficult and aggressive soon, and while such behaviiour may not be frightening in a little old lady, its still very stressful and strains your patience. Full time professional care from ppl who just work a shift and can walk away from it is a better option than one worn out stressed daughter!
Thank you @Roseleigh that is good advice from someone who clearly knows the score. There is so much help on this forum and even if it’s just reading about other people’s experiences it helps a lot. I don’t feel so alone.
I do worry about what might be next. Mum was relatively stable for a long time but over the last 6 months or so there has been a definite decline. The most difficult part of caring is me still expecting her to be my mum...she just isn’t that person any more. Something else that has changed recently is a lot of mouth/tongue movement, like a baby almost. I know she struggles to swallow so I manage that with easy-eat meals and breaking bigger tablets in two. What does that mean, the mouth/swallowing stuff? Did your husband exhibit these symptoms?
NH-wise, social work are aware and I’ve been told that mum, hopefully, will be able to go for a respite break in the new year.
I’ve stopped communicating with my sister. Too toxic. She can still use the landline whenever she likes though if she wants to talk to mum.
Finonie
 

Finonie

New member
Sep 3, 2019
8
0
Hi @Finonie . I missed your original posting but I know exactly how you felt that day. I’m through the other side now having looked after my dad for seven years - the last four of those with diagnosed dementia- and the only way I survived was to stop asking for help as when I did (even when dad was lying on the floor unable to get up and an 8hr wait for an ambulance) I was told to sort it out myself.

They’ve disowned me now cos dad left me his estate...to be honest I’m relieved!
I am glad @Bunpoots you are through the other side and glad also that your dad must have realised how much you did to support him. If your family have disowned you it’s on them, not you. Let them stew in their resentment 🙂
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
326
0
Something else that has changed recently is a lot of mouth/tongue movement, like a baby almost. I know she struggles to swallow so I manage that with easy-eat meals and breaking bigger tablets in two. What does that mean, the mouth/swallowing stuff? Did your husband exhibit these symptoms?
Finonie

Hi. No my husband doesnt seem to have swalllowing problems, although very confused now, but this is common in dementia as the motor control is affected by the brain damage too, its not just thinking and speech. But every one is sligtly different depending which bit of the brain is lost.

Interesting what you say about expecting your mum to be your mum. My mum is in the early stages of dementia, though well behind my poor husband, yet enough that I feel like you, she's not really my mum anymore. She lacks empathy, and I feel its pointless discussing worries or sorrows with her. This is such a horrible disease. It makes me feel bad as I think if he were well I would have more emotional resilience to deal with her, but as it is I get snappy at her unreasonableness and awkward negative behaviour. I know its not her fault and she didnt used to be like this. It leaves me feeling guilty.