Hassle from social services

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
4,694
0
I'm surprised that having placed the OP's Mum in a home for emergency respite for a week whilst her husband was in hospital social services didn't first check whether her husband would be able to manage her care prior to discharging her home, particularly as she received a huge skin tear whilst in respite. It would have saved a lot of stress and pressure all round if they had done so.

The idea of Dad going into respite with Mum may work but is likely to reduce the number of suitable homes even more as double placements can be difficult to find, especially in an emergency situation.

Hopefully one of the local homes that the OP has contacted will be able to take Mum but if not, as others have posted it may have to be a case of accepting the social services placement for a short time whilst you get something permanent arranged. I understand your concerns about the placement bearing in mind what happened during the last one but hope that today's meeting is better and more productive than the last time.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
This thread resonates. We also experienced brow beating to find (self funding) a home. The main mission was to get her out of a hospital bed which I totally got but they ignored everything we told them about her...didn’t really assess her and insisted we viewed unsuitable homes. We reluctantly agreed to the one and only home we could imagine letting her go to and the manager visited, quick assessment and pointed out they were aiming at completely the wrong type of home for her needs. I felt like screaming because we’d wasted so much time.

All paused and we then started again with a new set of homes that they told us to visit. Again completely unsafe or unsuitable (steps into bedroom, isolated rooms....mum was at the time mobile but a falls risk)

We then ignored them and did our own research to find a home which is absolutely brilliant. It was really upsetting & irritating to have paid professionals disrespecting all the knowledge we have gained along this journey, talk patronisingly to us about “what dementia is”.... when they quite obviously hadn’t lived it!!

One of the worst aspects of our dementia experience has been unfortunately our experience with adult social care.
Yes. I experienced what felt like bordering on cruelty from social workers. I know they are hard pressed, so am I in a related profession.
The other story is that with one social worker, at the hospital where my husband was admitted after an accident, I experienced help of a level I could not have dreamed of. She took one look at me, I was broken and anxious, and said, I will help you. And she did.
I think if one change could be made NOW it would be for social workers to treat us with respect and kindness.
warmest, Kindred.
 

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
4,694
0
I think if one change could be made NOW it would be for social workers to treat us with respect and kindness.

Agreed. I think no one would disagree that the social care system is broken and needs more funding but respect, kindness & compassion are free.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,958
0
Hi Silkiest, they haven’t said why they want to rush things - probably because Dad became ill trying to care for Mum & they had to step in & arrange emergency respite whilst I traveled here. I will tell them we are arranging things but need more time. On Friday they were behaving more like used car salesmen pushing us to go to a particular home otherwise room would go as someone else interested.... The Care home made no mention of this when we spoke to them!! As parents are self funders there has been minimal input from social services until this point - now they are suffocating us

TB25. You have checked that the Home, SS are suggesting you use is the most suitable, in the area for your mother?
Other homes closer to your father, do they have immediate space, and are they suitable for her?
If they have no space, then for immediate use, which you require, then how long are you able to wait for a room, 2 weeks-6 months?
Bear in mind the SS should have a better understanding of the local situation regarding Care Homes, in availability and caring ability as the time progresses, and deterioration through age and illness progresses.
Many have been impressed by white tablecloths, wide menus, in-house cinemas, etc. only to be told to move their loved one, because the "Dementia" home cannot cope with the progressing decline.
The other consideration, for how long will your father be able to easily, on his own, visit your mother?
Once he requires taking, then the time to drive him 1 mile, is not far different to 3 miles.

Bod
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
1,283
0
I know we have had examples of poor decisions by social workers discussed on here and they certainly do mess up at times, but they are also human beings and don’t deserve to have tons of vitriol landed on their heads when they are trying to do their jobs in stressful circumstances. I guess most of them have large case loads and are trying to close cases as quickly as they can, hence putting families under pressure and making decisions too quickly that turn out not to be in the person with dementia’s best interest.
I think it’s best to take the fight to the politicians to get social care properly funded.
Sorry to derail your thread @Teddybear25. It sounds a difficult situation. Would your father be amenable to going into respite care with your mother while you sort things out? There are several couples in my mum’s home and it seems to work well.
I know we have had examples of poor decisions by social workers discussed on here and they certainly do mess up at times, but they are also human beings and don’t deserve to have tons of vitriol landed on their heads when they are trying to do their jobs in stressful circumstances. I guess most of them have large case loads and are trying to close cases as quickly as they can, hence putting families under pressure and making decisions too quickly that turn out not to be in the person with dementia’s best interest.
I think it’s best to take the fight to the politicians to get social care properly funded.
Sorry to derail your thread @Teddybear25. It sounds a difficult situation. Would your father be amenable to going into respite care with your mother while you sort things out? There are several couples in my mum’s home and it seems to work well.
 

notsogooddtr

Registered User
Jul 2, 2011
1,283
0
They are damned if they do and damned if they don't, SW is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Under resourced and under valued.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
They are damned if they do and damned if they don't, SW is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Under resourced and under valued.
I know. And this sounds also like a description of us carers … so we do have that in common at least!
warmest, kindred.
 

Teddybear25

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
11
0
Thanks everyone for your comments - most appreciated and useful. This was not a dig at social workers, I just wanted some advice on what rights we had in this situation to choose a care home ourselves.
 

Hil76

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
50
0
The best advice I was ever given about dealing with Social Services is to demand to see their care and risk assessment on the PWD. Don't take word of mouth and always check the facts and options available.
@Splashing About @Alex54 I know I have been quite scathing of SS but from your replies I am not alone in feeling that they added more stress to an already incredibly stressful and heartbreaking situation. I was not saying they are all like that and I also am aware of the case load they have to deal with, however, if they are not able to at the very least show care and compassion when people are clearly going through one of the most difficult times of their life, then they are frankly in the wrong job. I am by no means saying that there are some wonderful people that work for SS and if you are lucky enough to deal with them they are an amazing help and have my utmost respect.
 

Hil76

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
50
0
Yes. I experienced what felt like bordering on cruelty from social workers. I know they are hard pressed, so am I in a related profession.
The other story is that with one social worker, at the hospital where my husband was admitted after an accident, I experienced help of a level I could not have dreamed of. She took one look at me, I was broken and anxious, and said, I will help you. And she did.
I think if one change could be made NOW it would be for social workers to treat us with respect and kindness.
warmest, Kindred.
@kindred hi, I absolutely agree, please see my previous reply to at @Splashing About & @Alex54, I meant to tag you in this also xx
 

Hil76

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
50
0
I totally agree it is the same for me. If I was to explain why it would turn into a book. I will never forgive them for what they have and are putting myself and my husband through.
@Baker17 I am aware of their heavy case load and understand how hard that is, but when they are no longer able to treat clients with kindness and compassion then I’m afraid, regardless of their caseload, they are no longer meeting the most basic requirements of their job, as I’ve previously stated many of them work very hard and still can be extremely helpful, kind and respectful, I am not making sweeping generalisations of the whole of SS employees, but like you I will never forgive the ones I had to deal with for the way I was treated.
 

Splashing About

Registered User
Oct 20, 2019
434
0
Actually my experience of social workers attitude has been good. The problems lay around their well intentioned actions. They failed to assess situations and went straight to a solution (which fairly predictably didn’t work). This was repeated and repeated. It became very demoralising advising them why something wouldn’t work, try it anyway (hoping it would) and then almost apologising for failing to resolve things in a way that you knew wouldn’t work and were only doing to keep them happy :cool: We’d then start from scratch again (if we could summon the energy...) often we’d wait until the next crisis and that’s how we ended up lurching from crisis to crisis.

I only experienced one major attitude problem and that was an OT. Her boss told me they’d had numerous complaints so that was one person rather than the profession.

Generally I’d say social workers were kind and well intentioned but didn’t help. But then dementia proffers such a difficult problem maybe they just can’t.
 

Hil76

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
50
0
Actually my experience of social workers attitude has been good. The problems lay around their well intentioned actions. They failed to assess situations and went straight to a solution (which fairly predictably didn’t work). This was repeated and repeated. It became very demoralising advising them why something wouldn’t work, try it anyway (hoping it would) and then almost apologising for failing to resolve things in a way that you knew wouldn’t work and were only doing to keep them happy :cool: We’d then start from scratch again (if we could summon the energy...) often we’d wait until the next crisis and that’s how we ended up lurching from crisis to crisis.

I only experienced one major attitude problem and that was an OT. Her boss told me they’d had numerous complaints so that was one person rather than the profession.

Generally I’d say social workers were kind and well intentioned but didn’t help. But then dementia proffers such a difficult problem maybe they just can’t.
@Slashing About I’m glad you we’re lucky in that respect, sorry about OT attitude, I do realise it’s not easy for anyone involved. xx
 

Hil76

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
50
0
@Teddybear25 i hope you are getting somewhere with care for mum and dad and are getting help with this. SS are not all bad by any means, it depends on who you deal with, I hope you have found that there are SS out there that will go to great lengths to help you, my opinion has been tarnished by how I was treated and I’m not alone in this but there are many others that have been treated very well by SS, I was trying to tell you you don’t need to accept the way you are treated by certain SS if they are not helpful and causing undue stress, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear about that, I just hate to think of anyone going through this and not getting proper care and respect and being left feeling there is nowhere left to turn. I hope you are getting all the help you need going forward. Best wishes xx
 

Teddybear25

Registered User
Jan 5, 2020
11
0
@Teddybear25 i hope you are getting somewhere with care for mum and dad and are getting help with this. SS are not all bad by any means, it depends on who you deal with, I hope you have found that there are SS out there that will go to great lengths to help you, my opinion has been tarnished by how I was treated and I’m not alone in this but there are many others that have been treated very well by SS, I was trying to tell you you don’t need to accept the way you are treated by certain SS if they are not helpful and causing undue stress, I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear about that, I just hate to think of anyone going through this and not getting proper care and respect and being left feeling there is nowhere left to turn. I hope you are getting all the help you need going forward. Best wishes xx

Hi HIL76 your posts were really helpful thanks. Sorry haven't replied for so long, Dad & I have been so busy trying to look after Mum and to find a suitable care home for her. SS still not very helpful, at the meeting on Monday we explained we were actively looking at homes for Mum so they backed off a bit - but have said today they expect her to be placed somewhere by next Tuesday. We viewed a lovely home today, about 18 residents & amazing staff but sadly they declined Mum as her needs are too high. I have 1 more home to try tomorrow & been waiting 4 days for another to advise when a respite client is leaving. Otherwise we are stuck and getting desperate. Having made the heartbreaking decision to put Mum in care and now can't find anywhere. I am praying we get some good news tomorrow as can't cope anymore. Thank you for you kindness and thoughtfulness - it is a comfort to know others understand how you feel xx
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
138,149
Messages
1,993,440
Members
89,808
Latest member
ArthurPOA