Hello I need some urgent advice please. My elderly father has been looking after my mother for the last year with carers twice a day & with help from me when I can (I don’t live close to them). He was taken to hospital 2 weeks ago & she was placed in emergency respite for a week by a social worker but is now back home. He realises he can no longer manage & we are looking at care homes for her, but want to ensure we get the right one & close to home so he can visit daily. However social worker, district nurse & OT’s are hassling us to place her in care home immediately. They came round New Years Eve & stayed for 3 hours trying to brow beat us into admission on 2 Jan to a very expensive home miles away which we hadn’t seen. Mum will be a self funder but three of them are coming back again tomorrow & we are concerned they will force us to put her in care home miles away tomorrow - which is terrifying her. Can they force us into immediate move? We have stated we are in process of sorting it but they just keep bullying us and trying to force an instant move.
Hassle from social services
- Thread starter Teddybear25
- Start date
Hello @Teddybear25 and welcome to DTP
It sounds to me as though Social Services are very concerned about your dad because usually they try and persuade people to keep the person with dementia at home!
Your mum could go into a care home now as further respite while you look for a permanent place for her - it doesn't mean that where she goes now is going to be forever and it might give everyone a breathing space.
It sounds to me as though Social Services are very concerned about your dad because usually they try and persuade people to keep the person with dementia at home!
Your mum could go into a care home now as further respite while you look for a permanent place for her - it doesn't mean that where she goes now is going to be forever and it might give everyone a breathing space.
Hi Canary thanks for the speedy reply. Yes I think social services are concerned but they seem to be overstepping the mark. I drove to my parents house immediately when heard Dad taken to hospital & have been here ever since helping out, so there are two of us looking after Mum currently. She had a bad time in the 1 week respite with several falls & a huge skin tear that is being dressed by community nurses. So we want to ensure when she moves to a home it is the most suitable one for her but are not being given time to do this. Concerned social services will place her somewhere tomorrow without our consent....
Hello @Teddybear25
A warm welcome from me too
So sorry to hear that your father has been unwell
I do agree that it is not usual for Social Services to be so insistent, so they are concerned for the health and safety of both your parents
It isn't ideal but maybe accept a temporary placement as canary suggests while you find a home nearer to your father.. It will take the pressure off all of you, especially as a finding a permanent place may take some time
Sorry cross posted
I'm sorry the respite experience was negative which no doubt has affected how you look at residential care
However, really you are looking after 2 older adults, one just out of hospital and the other with dementia, rather than 2 looking after your mother
If Social Services are so concerned they can raise a safeguarding issue.. Best to discuss with them if possible as it doesn't sound as though their assessment is that your mother's care needs can be met in her home
Unless you have found a care home and they can assess your mother and accept her quickly, finding somewhere could take weeks
A warm welcome from me too
So sorry to hear that your father has been unwell
I do agree that it is not usual for Social Services to be so insistent, so they are concerned for the health and safety of both your parents
It isn't ideal but maybe accept a temporary placement as canary suggests while you find a home nearer to your father.. It will take the pressure off all of you, especially as a finding a permanent place may take some time
Sorry cross posted
I'm sorry the respite experience was negative which no doubt has affected how you look at residential care
However, really you are looking after 2 older adults, one just out of hospital and the other with dementia, rather than 2 looking after your mother
If Social Services are so concerned they can raise a safeguarding issue.. Best to discuss with them if possible as it doesn't sound as though their assessment is that your mother's care needs can be met in her home
Unless you have found a care home and they can assess your mother and accept her quickly, finding somewhere could take weeks
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- Hello Shedrech, thanks for the welcome and advice. We think it will confuse Mum more if she goes into respite again & is then moved to a permanent place somewhere else. We wanted to keep her at home & move to permanent place within the next week. I can only stay two more weeks then need to get back for work so pressure on to resolve speedily but social services breathing down our necks & arranging long meetings at parents home is causing more stress! Can they force a move against our wishes?
Hi @Teddybear25
It sounds as though you have something arranged... if so maybe suggest more home care visits will tide you over
If you haven't, I am not sure you will find a place and have your mother moved in a short time frame
I agree moves can cause confusion, however Social Services have duty of care and have to consider your mother's safety... I am not suggesting you are not caring well for your mother
It sounds as though you have something arranged... if so maybe suggest more home care visits will tide you over
If you haven't, I am not sure you will find a place and have your mother moved in a short time frame
I agree moves can cause confusion, however Social Services have duty of care and have to consider your mother's safety... I am not suggesting you are not caring well for your mother
Hi @Teddybear25 social services could force the issue if you do not have a POA in effect. They have a duty to act in the best interests of the PWD. Have they said why they want to rush things? They seem to be putting a lot of pressure on you - do they believe you do not see any urgency to move your mum? Could you ask for a breathing space of a couple of days to give you the time to contact other homes?
Is there a long history with social services and your parents that you do not know about - your dad may accept now that he can no longer cope but if they have both previously been reluctant to accept care the social worker may be trying to organise things before a further change of mind.
I think if it was me I would consider a meeting with social services without your parents to try and find out what the problem is as far as social services are concerned.
Is there a long history with social services and your parents that you do not know about - your dad may accept now that he can no longer cope but if they have both previously been reluctant to accept care the social worker may be trying to organise things before a further change of mind.
I think if it was me I would consider a meeting with social services without your parents to try and find out what the problem is as far as social services are concerned.
Hi @Teddybear25 Hi there, SS alone can’t force you to do anything, if they thought either of your parents was at great risk they would have to report it and prove it etc,, it would be a lengthy process, they won’t force you, your mum could only be forced if she was sectioned under the Mental Health Act, in your mum’s case it could only happen as an Emergency if she became psychotic for example and SS don’t have the power to do that. If you can keep her safe until you get a care home that’s appropriate then that’s best, transfer trauma, moving from place to place, is best avoided if possible, the stress of it would exacerbate her symptoms. Having said that, SS are obviously concerned for a reason so you really need to sort things out ASAP. You might have to take some time off work but it’s priorities isn’t it? Just be firm with SS, the ones I dealt with were useless. They can’t force you into this and make sure they know that.
Thanks Shedrech. Yes I want Mum to be safe and know you weren’t suggesting it was a lack of care on our part. More home care visits have been suggested but unless Mum wants toileting or to go to bed during the exact 30 minutes they are there, the carers won’t have anything to do during extra visits so doesn’t seem much point. She is highly anxious but carers can’t calm her down any better than we can.
Only under extreme circumstances, and as I said, they can report concern but SS alone can’t force anything, they would have to report it. POA really has very little to do with it. SS can’t force anything without due process, involving either police or mental health.
Thanks for the information Hil76. I will mention the transfer trauma & the stress of them keep coming round and talking about it is adding to her symptoms. I will be firmer with them tomorrow- they caught Dad & I at a low point on Tuesday & exhausted us with their constant tirade. My parents are my priority but I’ve taken 3 weeks off work already so can’t take much longer. Waiting to hear back from two local homes tomorrow on availability so hopefully one of those will be an option.
Hi Silkiest, they haven’t said why they want to rush things - probably because Dad became ill trying to care for Mum & they had to step in & arrange emergency respite whilst I traveled here. I will tell them we are arranging things but need more time. On Friday they were behaving more like used car salesmen pushing us to go to a particular home otherwise room would go as someone else interested.... The Care home made no mention of this when we spoke to them!! As parents are self funders there has been minimal input from social services until this point - now they are suffocating us
@Teddybear25 I totally relate, it’s the most awful thing to deal with, I understand you can’t be off work indefinitely, when I dealt with a couple from SS, I was struggling to be civil, I felt like asking exactly what their qualifications were. Just tell them this is what’s going to be happening and that’s that, and if they continue to try to browbeat you, tell them you’re more qualified to decide what’s best for your parents, not a pair of strangers that will forget about them 10 minutes after they leave you. Some of that lot get delusions of grandeur and need swiftly put in their place. Their no use at all if they’re a hindrance to you. Sorry, but some of them drive me insane!
@Teddybear25 that post makes me sound like a maniac, I’ve had to deal with them a lot at work as well and I get irritated quickly atm, the stress of it all
Hil76 your post made perfect sense to me! I totally agree with what you put - they do get completely carried away with the idea they know better than anyone else what is right for someone!! And yes they are hindering us and totally adding to our stress in an already very difficult time.
Your post actually cheered me up and made me smile -so thank you for that. To know other people are going through similar situations helps you feel less alone. Hope they don’t stress you too much
@Teddybear25 Im glad I cheered you up a bit, you wouldn’t believe how I’ve been spoken to throughout this hellish time, I’m a psychiatric nurse and have nursed Alzheimer’s patients for years and to find myself being spoken to by a CPN, who has less experience than me, not only was she telling me everything I already know, she was also telling me what was best for mum, despite my specifically telling her that was not helpful, it was actually detrimental and causing more stress, she then insisted on explaining to me how to administer Memantine, as in the dosage! I could go on and on, the only reason I didn’t freak out totally at her was my sister was there and she tries to be very diplomatic, I was biting my tongue, it was very difficult to keep quiet, I don’t know if she’d forgotten I was a nurse or what, again the only reason the man from SS didn’t get thrown out for his ineptitude was my sister was there, one time my sister wasn’t there, this woman from SS spoke to mum as if she was a child, in that stupid, high, cheerful voice that some people use with Alzheimer’s, it infuriates me, it’s completely unhelpful and often causes more confusion, you’re meant to speak quietly and calmly to AL sufferers, all I said to her was don’t speak to my mother like she’s a child and she said she’d never been spoken to like that in her life and she went away crying. I have zero tolerance for idiots these days and I find it very difficult to keep my mouth shut if they irritate me, I wasn’t like this before I had to deal with all this with mum. You have done nothing wrong, you came as soon as you could, you’re dealing with a remarkably stressful situation, their job is to help you and if they can’t do that just show them the door and if you feel like it complain about them. It’s disgusting that they are meeting people when they are at their most vulnerable and they’re using that to frighten you. They’re not all like that but I’ve met a good few of them.
This thread resonates. We also experienced brow beating to find (self funding) a home. The main mission was to get her out of a hospital bed which I totally got but they ignored everything we told them about her...didn’t really assess her and insisted we viewed unsuitable homes. We reluctantly agreed to the one and only home we could imagine letting her go to and the manager visited, quick assessment and pointed out they were aiming at completely the wrong type of home for her needs. I felt like screaming because we’d wasted so much time.
All paused and we then started again with a new set of homes that they told us to visit. Again completely unsafe or unsuitable (steps into bedroom, isolated rooms....mum was at the time mobile but a falls risk)
We then ignored them and did our own research to find a home which is absolutely brilliant. It was really upsetting & irritating to have paid professionals disrespecting all the knowledge we have gained along this journey, talk patronisingly to us about “what dementia is”.... when they quite obviously hadn’t lived it!!
One of the worst aspects of our dementia experience has been unfortunately our experience with adult social care.
All paused and we then started again with a new set of homes that they told us to visit. Again completely unsafe or unsuitable (steps into bedroom, isolated rooms....mum was at the time mobile but a falls risk)
We then ignored them and did our own research to find a home which is absolutely brilliant. It was really upsetting & irritating to have paid professionals disrespecting all the knowledge we have gained along this journey, talk patronisingly to us about “what dementia is”.... when they quite obviously hadn’t lived it!!
One of the worst aspects of our dementia experience has been unfortunately our experience with adult social care.
I totally agree it is the same for me. If I was to explain why it would turn into a book. I will never forgive them for what they have and are putting myself and my husband through.
The best advice I was ever given about dealing with Social Services is to demand to see their care and risk assessment on the PWD. Don't take word of mouth and always check the facts and options available.
I know we have had examples of poor decisions by social workers discussed on here and they certainly do mess up at times, but they are also human beings and don’t deserve to have tons of vitriol landed on their heads when they are trying to do their jobs in stressful circumstances. I guess most of them have large case loads and are trying to close cases as quickly as they can, hence putting families under pressure and making decisions too quickly that turn out not to be in the person with dementia’s best interest.
I think it’s best to take the fight to the politicians to get social care properly funded.
Sorry to derail your thread @Teddybear25. It sounds a difficult situation. Would your father be amenable to going into respite care with your mother while you sort things out? There are several couples in my mum’s home and it seems to work well.
I think it’s best to take the fight to the politicians to get social care properly funded.
Sorry to derail your thread @Teddybear25. It sounds a difficult situation. Would your father be amenable to going into respite care with your mother while you sort things out? There are several couples in my mum’s home and it seems to work well.
