Has the light finally gone on


Registered User
Aug 31, 2005
Spoke to a friend yesterday whose dad has just been diagnosed with AD and it set me thinking. He was hospitalised because he had taken more medication that he should etc and was also becoming confused, ringing my friend up at all hours and even wondered.

This set me thinking about mom. My sister and myself have for the past few months, since mom has been in care, been saying that mom isn't deteriorating as fast as we were told. Her short term memory is worsening and sometimes things she tells you haven't happened but she is still relatively okay. My sister and I have even begun to think that maybe mom hasn't got AD. My thoughts are that maybe we aren't getting a true picture of mom's AD because she is in care and we don't see her as she would be at home. Before she went into the home she wasn't caring for herself, didn't even make herself a cup of tea or sandwich etc. She did hide things, soiled underwear in particular, and went round to next door without securing her house. This has all ceased now because she is being looked after and has this given my sister and me a false picture in a way of mom's AD. I sometimes read the posts and think that's not what mom is like and beat myself up because I think that we have put mom into care before we should have but yesterday I thought back to how she was before she went into care and maybe started to realise that she was quite bad and being looked after by her carers is good.

What are your thoughts.

Kind regards. Thanks for all your support and advice



Registered User
Aug 23, 2005
Know Exactly How You Feel

Dear Jacky

It's easy to forget why we take certain actions and equally easy to question those actions - I'm doing it 24/7.

The fact is that like your Mum, my Mum was simply not coping - not eating, washing, ringing up in distress numerous times a day, keeping soiled clothing/pads etc - which is why she went into hospital and subsequently into a Care Home.

It's ONLY because she wandered out on several occasions, causing a great deal of concern to the Home, that she is now in a "locked" Care home (Nursing because just can't find Secure Residential Home).

It is a fact though that these facts don't seem to be enough to take away the feeling that a) she shouldn't be there and b) I'm not doing enough.

An old school friend came with me to visit Mum the other day (she hadn't seen Mum for 20 years). Mum recognised her but couldn't remember her name. We chatted for about an hour and it was only when we came to leave and Mum asked how she would get home and where would she sleep etc that my friend saw why she was there.

Mum has not to date (only been there for 9 weeks) even tried to go to the locked exit door - probably because she's no idea where it is - or where her bedroom is for that matter.

Although she asks the staff for me each evening (I'm trying to drop off the visits from 7 a week to 2 or 3 because I'm whacked!) she does seem to be reasonably "contented" if that is the right word.

I could write for ever on my feelings on this - but I think we have to try (?) to be realistic - our Mums definitely have a problem with short term memory which is why they are where they are - whether it's AD or whatever - that remains the fact. I hate it, you hate it - and I think maybe it's us that's finding it most difficult to cope with.

All we can do is let our Mums know how much we love them, be there for them when they need us and then get this "----dy" feeling of guilt out of our heads. If you find a way to do that - PLEASE let me know.

Wish I could help more!



Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
near London
Hi Jacky

certainly they change when they go into a care home. It is very easy for them to become 'institutionalised' if we don't visit and show them we are still there.

When they are in a home, we visit for a short part of a day, and thus may catch them after taking medication, after a meal, when they are tired [sleeping patterns change], when they are due medication, when they need to be changed, when they are thirsty, when another resident has been annoying them and they are unable to stop them, or even move away. .....all these things contribute to how we see them.

I like to visit at different times all the time. Today as I left, an assistant said "tomorrow is Saturday, we won't see you then" [I often take Saturday as a rest day]. I said that I was planning to be there tomorrow and this week, Sunday would be my day off. Different days, different staff, different regimes, different feelings.

I keep a daily diary of how Jan is and then I can look back a few months, or to this time last year, the year before, etc and see how she was then. This has helped a lot. I also take pictures over time as that too helps.


Registered User
Aug 31, 2005
Dear Ellie and Brucie

Thanks for your thoughts. I agree with all you say and YES if I find a way to get rid of the guilt I will let your know. White chocolate is my latest idea but it doesn't work for long and only makes you fat.

I too am visiting only a couple of times a week because of tiredness and also all mom does is cry and I sometimes wonder if we are helping her. Knowing that she is fine when we are not there does help but I wish she was fine with us. Perhaps one day. It just seems so sad that every visit my sister and I have made over the last fifteen months mom has been so distressed. I just want to make her laugh but perhaps this is for my benefit so that I don't feel so guilty. There's that word again.

Keep on going.

Love Jacky