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Hard to make conversation

Alibaba80

Registered User
Aug 4, 2017
46
Somerset
I feel the same. I live 3 hours away from my mum but I always ring her on a Sunday afternoon- she never rings me. I find it such a struggle to talk to her as there is little to no conversation. She doesn’t go out anyway in the week and only sees the cleaner and the gardener. I end up telling her what my husband and I and the kids have been doing but I get nothing back. She writes everything I say down so that she doesn’t forget but it makes for an incredibly painful phone conversation.
 

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
22
I feel the same. I live 3 hours away from my mum but I always ring her on a Sunday afternoon- she never rings me. I find it such a struggle to talk to her as there is little to no conversation. She doesn’t go out anyway in the week and only sees the cleaner and the gardener. I end up telling her what my husband and I and the kids have been doing but I get nothing back. She writes everything I say down so that she doesn’t forget but it makes for an incredibly painful phone conversation.
Oh my word d! We seem to live in the same house. I live an hours drive away (not as far as you) and I ring 2/3 times a day. When I go over I tend to stay 1/2 nights. And mum writes down stuff so that she can remember. I encourage her to do this when she thinks things have gone missing so we can check when I get there ( if she remembers, as I don’t start the conversation off about the list). Her carers bring very little conversation wise but the cleaner is a good source of local information. 😊😷. Covid has made it more difficult as no one else can visit ( here is me with my bitch head on as we have family members we don’t want visiting as they cause many issues for mum).
 

Alibaba80

Registered User
Aug 4, 2017
46
Somerset
I wish I could visit more as I could keep an eye on things, it’s very hard when I only visit 6-8 times a year. I have thought about moving mum closer but it would be too much disruption.
 

cobden 28

Registered User
Dec 15, 2017
79
I find it almost impossible to hold a conversation with my Mum (90 next birthday) on the phone any more. She lives in Southampton and I'm in Portsmouth; 3/4 hr drive away, but I had to sell my car back in June so now have to use public transport (buses and trains) to go anywhere, Mum is, amongst other things, as deaf as a post and has to be constantly reminded to put her hearing aids in, to the extent that she rarely does wear them now anyway.

Because of her deafness she has the TV on LOUD, so much so that it can be heard clearly out in the street, and thus she can't hear the phone ring plus she forgets to check her answerphone messages.

Because of the covid restrictions and her mobility problems she can't get out to dpo her grocery shopping every week and relies on a friend living locally who has transport to take her grocery shopping every other week. Last week I had a phone call from Mum demanding that I drop whatever I may be doing at the moment and get to Southampton so I could do her shopping for her - and she became very irate when I said that it's not possible for me to travel to hers every week because I have to use public transport. Her response was that she has to use public transport so why can't I? - not appreciating that public transport for her is a short bus ride into the centre of town whereas for me to visit her the journey involves 15 minute walk to the bus stop, 15 minutes wait for the bus, 15 minutes bus journey to the train station, train journey to Southampton and from the train station a taxi to her home as she lives at the top of a very long and very steep hill and the walk wouldn't do my angina any good. With the same in reverse to get back home again at the end of the day.

I can't check up on Mum on a daily basis by e-mail or text message as she doesn't have the internet or a mobile phone - she says they're not necessary. Mum has had a desktop computer with internet ca[pability for twwenty year but because she doesn't believe in the internet she's only ever used it as a glorified word processor at best.

She has numerous regular hospital appointments - incnveniently right over the other side of town so extremely difficult for her to get to - and because she also has Mild Cognitive Impairment she loses the appointment letters from the hospital informing her of appointments so she misses a lot of her medical checkups. She's given her GP surgery permission to discuss her medical records with me, as her NOK, but the various hospital clinics won't talk to me direct without a lot of information given first (Data Protction, which I quite understand) - Mum's full name, date of birth, home address, and her NHS number , the latter of which I haven't the foggiest idea. When I tried to ask Mu,m for this information she had great difficulty in understanding why I needed the information; in the end I had to write her a letter to explain in detail why, the reason being that pne of the hospital clinics had texted me about pne pof Mum's appointments as I'm the NOK, but without all this information they refused point blank to discuss Mum's records wioth me.

If there was a POA in existence I could insist the hospital talk direct to me about Mum, but to the best of my knowledge there isn't either POA set up as I've not been asked to sign any sort of official documentation.

What makes everything so difficult between myself and my Mum is not only her deafness but also her refusal over many years to consider the internet or a mobile phone, and now it's too latr to try to explain thesse things to her because she doesn't understand modern technology and she can't her you when you try to explain or discuss anythng with her.
 

yosser

Registered User
Nov 12, 2020
31
We are two and a half years into the diagnosis of Alzheimer's for my other half who is only 67 and I'm 56. In the recent weeks it has become increasingly difficult to hold a conversation with him - he doesn't understand what I am saying and I have to repeat myself all the time, and then I have to guess what he is trying to tell me. By the end of the day I'm exhausted, barely able to think for me, let alone think what he is saying. He is still fairly fit though I notice he sleeps more and is less inclined to want to do anything, I think I'm just having a moan, feeling somewhat fed up...... Just need some encouragement and inspiration XX
Cariad42, I am 2 years 3 months into Vascular Dementia, my wife despairs at times, due to fact there times when I am totally out of it. I got one morning and she said I see the lights are back on. I didn't have clue what she was going about, apparently I had slept for 24 hours and was not aware of it.One of many things she puts up with, so your not alone and your not moaning either. there are lot of cares out there who can relate to what you have written. Take Care 🙏
 

yosser

Registered User
Nov 12, 2020
31
We are two and a half years into the diagnosis of Alzheimer's for my other half who is only 67 and I'm 56. In the recent weeks it has become increasingly difficult to hold a conversation with him - he doesn't understand what I am saying and I have to repeat myself all the time, and then I have to guess what he is trying to tell me. By the end of the day I'm exhausted, barely able to think for me, let alone think what he is saying. He is still fairly fit though I notice he sleeps more and is less inclined to want to do anything, I think I'm just having a moan, feeling somewhat fed up...... Just need some encouragement and inspiration XX
Cariad42, I am 2 years 3 months into Vascular Dementia, my wife despairs at times, due to fact there times when I am totally out of it. I got one morning and she said I see the lights are back on. I didn't have clue what she was going about, apparently I had slept for 24 hours and was not aware of it.One of many things she puts up with, so your not alone and your not moaning either. there are lot of cares out there who can relate to what you have written. Take Care 🙏
 

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
22
I find it almost impossible to hold a conversation with my Mum (90 next birthday) on the phone any more. She lives in Southampton and I'm in Portsmouth; 3/4 hr drive away, but I had to sell my car back in June so now have to use public transport (buses and trains) to go anywhere, Mum is, amongst other things, as deaf as a post and has to be constantly reminded to put her hearing aids in, to the extent that she rarely does wear them now anyway.

Because of her deafness she has the TV on LOUD, so much so that it can be heard clearly out in the street, and thus she can't hear the phone ring plus she forgets to check her answerphone messages.

Because of the covid restrictions and her mobility problems she can't get out to dpo her grocery shopping every week and relies on a friend living locally who has transport to take her grocery shopping every other week. Last week I had a phone call from Mum demanding that I drop whatever I may be doing at the moment and get to Southampton so I could do her shopping for her - and she became very irate when I said that it's not possible for me to travel to hers every week because I have to use public transport. Her response was that she has to use public transport so why can't I? - not appreciating that public transport for her is a short bus ride into the centre of town whereas for me to visit her the journey involves 15 minute walk to the bus stop, 15 minutes wait for the bus, 15 minutes bus journey to the train station, train journey to Southampton and from the train station a taxi to her home as she lives at the top of a very long and very steep hill and the walk wouldn't do my angina any good. With the same in reverse to get back home again at the end of the day.

I can't check up on Mum on a daily basis by e-mail or text message as she doesn't have the internet or a mobile phone - she says they're not necessary. Mum has had a desktop computer with internet ca[pability for twwenty year but because she doesn't believe in the internet she's only ever used it as a glorified word processor at best.

She has numerous regular hospital appointments - incnveniently right over the other side of town so extremely difficult for her to get to - and because she also has Mild Cognitive Impairment she loses the appointment letters from the hospital informing her of appointments so she misses a lot of her medical checkups. She's given her GP surgery permission to discuss her medical records with me, as her NOK, but the various hospital clinics won't talk to me direct without a lot of information given first (Data Protction, which I quite understand) - Mum's full name, date of birth, home address, and her NHS number , the latter of which I haven't the foggiest idea. When I tried to ask Mu,m for this information she had great difficulty in understanding why I needed the information; in the end I had to write her a letter to explain in detail why, the reason being that pne of the hospital clinics had texted me about pne pof Mum's appointments as I'm the NOK, but without all this information they refused point blank to discuss Mum's records wioth me.

If there was a POA in existence I could insist the hospital talk direct to me about Mum, but to the best of my knowledge there isn't either POA set up as I've not been asked to sign any sort of official documentation.

What makes everything so difficult between myself and my Mum is not only her deafness but also her refusal over many years to consider the internet or a mobile phone, and now it's too latr to try to explain thesse things to her because she doesn't understand modern technology and she can't her you when you try to explain or discuss anythng with her.
Wowzer!! What a predicament. My suggestion, if you have not done this already, is contact social services adult care. In Lancashire they were and are very helpful and pointed me in the right direction. Also if there is a carers group locally ( either local to you or mums) that’s helpful too. 😊💜
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,245
Southampton
i live in southampton and there is a bus that goes to and from portsmouth, i dont know if that cuts out any of the journey time and is more direct. the nhs number is at the top of the letter for the appts. could she read it out or could you be copied in with the letters if your mums missing the appts. could she arrange patient transport from the gp to get her to the appts. there is a carers group in southampton but not sure about portsmouth. there is a local alzheimers society group in eastleigh which does the area, i found them very helpful. with lock down at the moment, services are very limited but southampton city council can help with shopping from volunteers. need to just contact them and register your mum needs help. my husband is in the extremely vulnerable category and did have a letter with all the details on. dont know if any of it helps
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
151
One of the hardest things is when we, (or should I say 'I'?) are watching TV and I momentarily forget that my husband is no longer the man he was and blurt out something like, 'Oh, Egypt, that's where we went.' Of course, he has no recollection and tells me his memory is terrible these days. That's when I feel bad for making him anxious again.
I feel sorry for anyone who lives alone and suffers from loneliness, but living with a dementia partner is a different kind of loneliness - you have to live in their reality while trying to maintain your sense of self.
When I have a bad day I go in a diffferent room and say aloud, 'I can do this.' Sometimes it works, and I feel a bit more energised and ready to carry on, knowing I'm doing my best for him.
 

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
22
One of the hardest things is when we, (or should I say 'I'?) are watching TV and I momentarily forget that my husband is no longer the man he was and blurt out something like, 'Oh, Egypt, that's where we went.' Of course, he has no recollection and tells me his memory is terrible these days. That's when I feel bad for making him anxious again.
I feel sorry for anyone who lives alone and suffers from loneliness, but living with a dementia partner is a different kind of loneliness - you have to live in their reality while trying to maintain your sense of self.
When I have a bad day I go in a diffferent room and say aloud, 'I can do this.' Sometimes it works, and I feel a bit more energised and ready to carry on, knowing I'm doing my best for him.
We have a mantra too. May be a bit on the expletives side but it works for us. An outlet for my frustration🥺
 

vernon

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
19
north west
I went on a training course on communication. It Stressed non verbal communication.
I always start our first contact of the day with a happy comment.
it’s a lovely day !
how lovely not to have to do anything on a day like this!
Keep your body language ‘ happy’
No one can see inside your head.
Pin on a smile !
My conversation is a mass of Cliches. None of which demand
an answer. They are delivered with relaxed body language and a smile.
If it works don’t knock it!
i loved your post, and try to do the same but no one knows what is going on in my head. will i be able to get him to wake, drink, take pills or eventually even get out of bed before 3.00pm! on average i go upstairs 18 times a day.
 

Weasell

Registered User
Oct 21, 2019
750
i loved your post, and try to do the same but no one knows what is going on in my head. will i be able to get him to wake, drink, take pills or eventually even get out of bed before 3.00pm! on average i go upstairs 18 times a day.
Normally I would advise you to chant ‘it’s cheaper than the gym’ on all 18 times you walk up those stairs!
But I have an invisible parrot on my shoulder and I know it would drown me out, screaming ‘ pay the gym what they blinking well want ! Just get me out of here ‘ !

So I am afraid I can be no help at all when it comes to advice or anything else!
 

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
22
i live in southampton and there is a bus that goes to and from portsmouth, i dont know if that cuts out any of the journey time and is more direct. the nhs number is at the top of the letter for the appts. could she read it out or could you be copied in with the letters if your mums missing the appts. could she arrange patient transport from the gp to get her to the appts. there is a carers group in southampton but not sure about portsmouth. there is a local alzheimers society group in eastleigh which does the area, i found them very helpful. with lock down at the moment, services are very limited but southampton city council can help with shopping from volunteers. need to just contact them and register your mum needs help. my husband is in the extremely vulnerable category and did have a letter with all the details on. dont know if any of it helps
Amazing lady😊
 

mickeyplum

Registered User
Feb 22, 2018
151
We have a mantra too. May be a bit on the expletives side but it works for us. An outlet for my frustration🥺
Now why didn't I think of that! Sounds a lot better as a means of letting off steam than my wishy-washy mantra. Or maybe I'll use both, depending on whether or not the neighbours have an ear to the wall !
 

Maddiebd

Registered User
Oct 27, 2020
22
Now why didn't I think of that! Sounds a lot better as a means of letting off steam than my wishy-washy mantra. Or maybe I'll use both, depending on whether or not the neighbours have an ear to the wall !
Ooops! Hope neighbours cannot here me and my brother. Although I do tend to mutter the mantra rather than shout it. 😊
 

Cariad 42

Registered User
Dec 18, 2018
17
Cariad42, I am 2 years 3 months into Vascular Dementia, my wife despairs at times, due to fact there times when I am totally out of it. I got one morning and she said I see the lights are back on. I didn't have clue what she was going about, apparently I had slept for 24 hours and was not aware of it.One of many things she puts up with, so your not alone and your not moaning either. there are lot of cares out there who can relate to what you have written. Take Care 🙏
Thank you. You take care too
 

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