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Hard to get a grip on what I am feeling

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
256
0
Southern England
Hello

I have not posted since just after my mother died in early February 2021. I am feeling very mixed up emotionally and more isolated than when I was keeping mum shielded from COVID-19.

1) The funeral cannot take place until 1st March.
2) My siblings are in other support bubbles created when mum was alive. Hence I am still effectively isolated in the house, just do not have mum sitting in her chair.
3) I had not appreciated how much caring for mum and related matters filled my day. Now I just wander round the house, having sorted the funeral and utilities out.
4) The house is so quiet and I find I am okay for a while then get pole axed with feelings of grief. I guess I am in shock. I had prepared myself for mum’s ongoing decline into Dementia over several more years and was happy to support her. Her sudden decline with heart failure was not something I had imagined would happen. Two days of palliative care where mum rapidly slipped away from knowing I was there was very hard to deal with after total isolation for almost a year.
5) My major problem is I cannot at present get back to old mum pre Dementia in my memories. Four years of caring, one of which we were shielding, all I have are Dementia related memories. I can only hope over time I will connect with old mum in my memories.

I find myself talking to mum, hoping she is now at peace. I feel very lonely, isolated, emotionally low, but then that represents where I am.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,347
0
High Peak
It's about 15 months since my mum died and my memories have changed - somewhat. We weren't close but my memories just after she died were all dementia-mum. There followed a period when I just didn't want to think about her at all, just wanted to forget the last few years completely. And I find that that has happened to an extent. The 3 long years in the care home have morphed into a much shorter time in my memory somehow. It was awful at the time but you do forget the guilt, stress and responsibility you had whilst caring and how difficult that was. Before the care home there were several years of worrying/difficulties and again, this has somehow compressed in my memory it no longer feels like 10+ years of dementia although it was.

Now when I think of mum, it's more and more the person she was pre-dementia. Not surprising as we had a more meaningful relationship back then. (Albeit not always good!)

I hope this gives you some hope that things will gradually change.
 

nick97

Registered User
Feb 16, 2020
57
0
I feel exactly the same about point 3; I'm literally walking around the house doing... nothing, really. Where I would previously be cleaning, doing loads of laundry! or making sure my mum ate food, now there's nothing to do. It's a very strange feeling.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,956
0
Kent
Hello @Whisperer and @nick97

Nothing prepares us for our life after loss and our reaction to death. Caring for someone close full time and then losing them, leaves a big hole which is impossible to fill.

I know it is a cliche which says time is a great healer but it is true in so many ways. What you are experiencing is so normal and if you can give yourself the same love and care you gave your mother you will come through this grief no matter how long it takes.

My husband died seven years ago. On the anniversary of his death our son sent me a message acknowledging the date. I had forgotten.

At first I felt embarrassed and guilty that our son had remembered and I hadn`t. Then I realised with gratitude I have recovered.

I doesn't mean I have forgotten my husband. It means the hole is closing.

Give yourself time. Allow your grief. Look after yourself.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
64,211
0
69
Dundee
That’s interesting Sylvia. It’s coming up for 5 years since Bill died. I don’t think I’ve reached your stage yet but I do recognise that the feelings I have had over the years have changed. I miss him and think about him every day. My memories of him now are almost all of the happy times we had over our 38 years of marriage. I still have sad and down days but I can ’manage’ these.

I’ve posted this often on this forum but for me it really is the best description of grief -

 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,956
0
Kent
Yes I think of Dhiren all the time @Izzy, especially when there are happenings which I know he would have enjoyed and I feel he has missed out.

I was surprised this years` anniversary didn`t register immediately as has happened previously but do see it in a positive light.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,347
0
High Peak
Hello @Whisperer and @nick97

Nothing prepares us for our life after loss and our reaction to death. Caring for someone close full time and then losing them, leaves a big hole which is impossible to fill.

I know it is a cliche which says time is a great healer but it is true in so many ways. What you are experiencing is so normal and if you can give yourself the same love and care you gave your mother you will come through this grief no matter how long it takes.

My husband died seven years ago. On the anniversary of his death our son sent me a message acknowledging the date. I had forgotten.

At first I felt embarrassed and guilty that our son had remembered and I hadn`t. Then I realised with gratitude I have recovered.

I doesn't mean I have forgotten my husband. It means the hole is closing.

Give yourself time. Allow your grief. Look after yourself.
My father died more than 20 years ago, sometime in August I think. My mum (before dementia and when she was in the early stages) would agonise every year at that time, reliving his final weeks. But August wasn't significant to me. However, I do remember him without fail on March 27th - that will always be 'dad's birthday' and is far more significant to me than the month he died.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
425
0
Hi @Whisperer, I lost my dad January19th this year he had only gone into a Care Home in mid November I didn't ever live with dad but lived close and dad had carers 4 x daily plus support from sister and I in his own home. I feel in a strange place am finding it hard to think dad has gone although have been to his and my mum's joint grave the earth still newly dug and raised memorial stone now gone until can be returned with his name added. I caught Covid undoubtedly from dad whilst visiting him in his Care Home as they allowed visits due to him being sent back from a stay in hospital. My dad had a positive result from a Covid test which was done the Thursday before he passed. I was not told until day before dad passed that he had Covid as the result had only just come back. Dad did not oddly enough have Covid recorded on his death certificate but I assume that was because he was deemed end of life due to a small stroke the hospital discovered. Dads certificate stated Advanced Dementia and a Cerebral Accident?. I was so unwell I had to be admitted to hospital after about 12 days as developed breathing issues and it was discovered I had pneumonia in my lungs and a blood clot. Thankfully I have survived and am well on my way to feeling better albeit I still have to take blood thinners for 3-6 months and need to have a chest X-ray in a few weeks. I think because of all this plus missing his funeral as was still in hospital I am struggling to accept my dad is gone. I hope I will accept it soon and start to grieve for him as I know I should. I too thought my dad would be around a bit longer I imagined him having more company in a Care Home being looked after 24/7 but sadly it didn't happen. I think dad was in the Care Home and hospital for 7 weeks so we lost him pretty quick. I hope all goes well for your mums funeral and that you will find some peace and hopefully less isolated soon.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
74
0
Hi @Whisperer , so sorry for your loss, i hope it all went well for the funeral. i can relate to what you posted and i often catch myself talking to my mum , i already see her as her old self before any alzheimers.
 

Pepp3r

Registered User
May 22, 2020
74
0
hi @Wildflowerlady , sorry to hear you couldn't attend your lovely dads funeral. To have had covid and be so unwell with it at this time must have been truly awful. take care of yourself and wishing you strength.
 

Wildflowerlady

Registered User
Sep 30, 2019
425
0
hi @Wildflowerlady , sorry to hear you couldn't attend your lovely dads funeral. To have had covid and be so unwell with it at this time must have been truly awful. take care of yourself and wishing you strength.
Thank you @Pepp3r yes its been a awful time but I know I'm not the only one that has a hard time some worse than me. I am grateful to be here now, Hospital staff were fantastic I cannot praise them enough.