Someone I had never met died today and I cried for those that will miss her, yet I can find no compassion for my father who is suffering from Vascular Dementia.
I’ve always known that my father could be difficult and that he was very domineering of my Mum, nothing physical, but what you would probably call mental bullying but it wasn’t until Mum became ill and was diagnosed with Dementia herself that I found out the real extent of my Father’s behaviour and it was because of his behaviour and his refusal to listen to anything anyone else said in Mum’s best interest, and just do what he thought was right, that I made the decision to place Mum in full time care and that was almost 2 years ago now.
Now my Father has been diagnosed with Dementia, you would think that I would want to help and assist him the same way I did for Mum (which I do in many ways but always from a distance) but most of the time I do what I have to do and leave the rest to him cause I just find him so frustrating and at times rude and ungrateful and for that reason the least I see of him the better and no, it is not the symptoms of his Dementia making him this way – this is how he has been for a long time now. The only people he has in his life are myself, my partner and Mum – everyone else in the outer circle of our family make no effort whatsoever to make contact with Dad, and those that do make contact it is only with me to ask after Mum and he has no friends.
Since becoming responsible for both my parents wellbeing I have found out very quickly just how my father can be and in a lot of people’s opinions how difficult it was for Mum living with someone so domineering and set in his ways. I have found out over time that he constantly refused to become involved in any family events or social activities and eventually people stopped asking, even though Mum was very much interested but didn’t go unless he wanted to. Now he is 77, lives alone and even though he has Dementia, I like many others in our family can find no sympathy for his situation whatsoever. It seems that years he spent ruling the roost and doing things his way have led him to become a lonely old man that no-one wants to spend any time with.
Admitting and accepting this has been a long time coming as it has weighed heavy on my mind, but slowly I am accepting that I should not feel bad about my thoughts, what has been difficult is admitting them. For many years I have just been sheltered from how things really were but I realise that my life and that of my partner does count and we should not let his situation rule our lives as a lot of time it feels like it does. My Fathers wellbeing will someday become the responsibility of a care provider I am sure and with how I feel at the moment that time will not come soon enough.
I’ve always known that my father could be difficult and that he was very domineering of my Mum, nothing physical, but what you would probably call mental bullying but it wasn’t until Mum became ill and was diagnosed with Dementia herself that I found out the real extent of my Father’s behaviour and it was because of his behaviour and his refusal to listen to anything anyone else said in Mum’s best interest, and just do what he thought was right, that I made the decision to place Mum in full time care and that was almost 2 years ago now.
Now my Father has been diagnosed with Dementia, you would think that I would want to help and assist him the same way I did for Mum (which I do in many ways but always from a distance) but most of the time I do what I have to do and leave the rest to him cause I just find him so frustrating and at times rude and ungrateful and for that reason the least I see of him the better and no, it is not the symptoms of his Dementia making him this way – this is how he has been for a long time now. The only people he has in his life are myself, my partner and Mum – everyone else in the outer circle of our family make no effort whatsoever to make contact with Dad, and those that do make contact it is only with me to ask after Mum and he has no friends.
Since becoming responsible for both my parents wellbeing I have found out very quickly just how my father can be and in a lot of people’s opinions how difficult it was for Mum living with someone so domineering and set in his ways. I have found out over time that he constantly refused to become involved in any family events or social activities and eventually people stopped asking, even though Mum was very much interested but didn’t go unless he wanted to. Now he is 77, lives alone and even though he has Dementia, I like many others in our family can find no sympathy for his situation whatsoever. It seems that years he spent ruling the roost and doing things his way have led him to become a lonely old man that no-one wants to spend any time with.
Admitting and accepting this has been a long time coming as it has weighed heavy on my mind, but slowly I am accepting that I should not feel bad about my thoughts, what has been difficult is admitting them. For many years I have just been sheltered from how things really were but I realise that my life and that of my partner does count and we should not let his situation rule our lives as a lot of time it feels like it does. My Fathers wellbeing will someday become the responsibility of a care provider I am sure and with how I feel at the moment that time will not come soon enough.
