1. BettyL

    BettyL Registered User

    Jan 20, 2008
    60
    Essex
    I reported back last week that after weeks of dithering, I took mum from her residential care home to visit dad in his flat. Mum has dementia, dad is physically frail. I was so thrilled at how the visit went but it now seems certain that it was the wrong thing to do.

    The home told me at the weekend that mum has been very agitated and tearful since the visit. This morning I had a phone call from the senior care worker to tell me that she had had to call the paramedics out to mum as she was sitting in her chair but being unresponsive. I've experienced these "turns" with mum before, although this is the first time she has had one at the home. It's really frightening - she literally plays dead.

    Anyway the ambulance crew checked her over and one pinched her finger quite hard which brought a reaction. My next call from the home updated me but all I could hear was mum crying hysterically in the background. I tried to talk to her over the phone but she just sobbed and sobbed. It was so upsetting.

    I went to the home this afternoon and mum had calmed down somewhat, she was still quite tearful and she just kept asking for dad. I can only get him there once a week in his wheelchair, so taking mum to visit him mid week had seemed ideal.

    So it looks as if that's the end of taking mum home. To crown it all today - dads evening carer phoned to say he'd had a fall and banged his head! I feel so desperate :(:(
     
  2. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Dear Betty, God give me hindsight and I would have been a wonderful person!!!! :) Of course, we never know what's best in these situations ... we can only use our judgement at the time and hope we do our best ... and sometimes that turns out wonderfully - and some days it doesn't ...... just don't blame yourself - you have simply tried your best - and on this occassion it didn't quite work out as you would hope ......

    Sending you huge loves and hugs, Karen, x
     
  3. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    I'm so sorry things have been so hard for you this week. You don't deserve to have what was such a good, kind and caring action turned around on you like this. You did what any other loving daughter would do, you got your parents together for a few hours in the best way you could. It is the disease and being parted from your dad which has caused your mum such distress, not your action in taking mum home.

    Is there any way in which you could take dad to visit mum? It seems such a shame that dad can only visit her once a week. Is there another relative who could help you with this and perhaps dad could visit more than once a week? I ask this knowing full well that it seems impossible to get any other members of my own family to visit even once a month!

    I admire you for all you are trying to do for your mum and dad. Bless you, such good daughters and sons are hard to find nowadays.

    xxTinaT
     
  4. BettyL

    BettyL Registered User

    Jan 20, 2008
    60
    Essex
    Thanks so much for the kind words of support.

    I only take dad once a week because that's about as much as his limited strength will allow.

    I thought I might feel brighter today - I usually manage to bounce back, but I still fell pretty miserable. I'm off to see dad this afternoon, I'm just hoping he's OK after his fall. He sounded alright when I spoke to him last night.

    I seem to spend most of my time with a big knot in my stomach that tightens when I go to see mum - will she be calm or agitated? It also tightens when I go to see dad - will he be alright, will he be in pain with his leg and the biggest fear, will he still be breathing? It's a horrible feeling and I seem to have lived with it so long.

    Sorry to go on - I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself at the moment.
     
  5. heartbroken

    heartbroken Registered User

    Feb 17, 2008
    747
    derbyshire
    I don't know what to say to help but just wanted to send you a
    VERY
    BIG
    HUG
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,578
    Kent
    Dear Betty.
    No one can blame you for feeling sorry for yourself. I feel sorry for you too.
    Having the responsibility of care for one person is hard, but having to care for two people must be draining. And when you are caring for parents who are so unhappy apart from each other, it gets worse.
    I`m sure you have no time or heart for any life of your own either.
    I don`t know what to suggest to help you either. I`m so sorry you are living such a nightmare.

    Is there any chance you could see a friend in the evenings, or are you too wound up to socialize.

    My heart goes out to you.

    Love xx
     
  7. BettyL

    BettyL Registered User

    Jan 20, 2008
    60
    Essex
    Thanks again. I do feel a bit happier tonight - could have something to do with the two glasses of wine!!!

    Dad was quite well when I went round there and although he has a graze on his forehead he seems to have no other injuries. He doesn't say much but he seems happy for me just to sit with him.

    Joy of joys - my sister is managing to get down tomorrow from Kent and will be taking dad to visit mum - so I have a whole day to myself. So it's not all bad!!
     
  8. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    Good to hear about your sister's offer. It's just what you need - a day to yourself to recharge your batteries. xxTinat
     

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