Handling dangerous behaviour

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Prospector, Aug 9, 2015.

  1. Prospector

    Prospector Registered User

    Sep 30, 2014
    61
    Trowbridge, Wiltshire
    This evening, shortly after smacking me on my head unprovoked, my wife tried to grab a mug of hot tea from my hand. There was a high risk of scalding both her and me. I first tried the gentle approach asking her to let go but it was only when I spoke sharply to her and told her to stop being silly that she finally took her hand away. This is against all the advice that the experts tell you about dealing with aggression, but if the gentle approach doesn't work, what are we supposed to do?
    Any wisdom to share? Thank you.


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  2. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    8,234
    leicester
    I personally think you did exactly the right thing, my husband was blind, but when he was in danger I used to scream STOP! You will know your wife's ways better than anyone!
     
  3. Sue J

    Sue J Registered User

    Dec 9, 2009
    8,042
    I think you did the right thing, proof of the pudding, it worked. As nellbelles says you know your wife. I get very cross and stern with my friend because it works not because I want to treat her badly and she knows that I have her best interests a heart even if she sometimes/often she forgets it:)
     
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,419
    It's the tough love approach. Look at it this way: it's less about what you say and more about the urgency in your voice when you say it. If you saw a child about to run into traffic, you wouldn't say in dulcet tones, "no dear don't do that" - you'd be screaming "stop" at the top of your lungs.

    Tone of voice: it can be a valuable tool if you don't overuse it. And it sounds like this was the right time.
     
  5. Feline

    Feline Registered User

    Oct 25, 2012
    164
    East Devon
    I agree with the way you reacted, sometimes a different tone of voice does help, particularly when you see a potential danger.
     
  6. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,854
    Suffolk
    I was going to comment, but jenniferpa has said it all!
     
  7. Prospector

    Prospector Registered User

    Sep 30, 2014
    61
    Trowbridge, Wiltshire
    Thanks all - it is so frustrating that all the "expert" advice in books and on the Internet (at least from those that I have read) paints a rosy picture and doesn't address situations where there is immediate danger.


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  8. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    2,333
    Pontypool
    Prospector you did what you had to do to avoid both of you being injured. As you say it's great for people to write about what one should do but very much doubt they have actually experienced such a situation themselves. Sounds as though you are coping as best you can in very difficult circumstances, don't beat yourself up. Your wife has probably forgotten what happened anyway and if she'd been scalded that would have been far worse.


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  9. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,602
    Female
    Scotland
    In your own home you are the expert. Taking advice is fine and sensible but you have to apply it according to what is going on in your particular circumstances.
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,734
    Kent
    Absolutely the best reaction Prospector . It`s probably the only approach which would have achieved results.
     
  11. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    2,635
    Kent
    I have had to result in shouting at my hubby, recently he was trying to smash the windows with his fists, as he thought it was someone trying to break in, he doesn't recognise his self in the window, it did stop him!!! You did the right thing.
     
  12. Prospector

    Prospector Registered User

    Sep 30, 2014
    61
    Trowbridge, Wiltshire
    I love you all


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  13. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    9,535
    North East England
    In a dangerous situation, you do what's necessary to keep someone safe. You did the right thing, please don't beat yourself up over it.

    xx
     
  14. chris53

    chris53 Registered User

    Nov 9, 2009
    2,930
    London
    Prospector, you handled this situation perfectly, please don't let it worry you too much.
    Chris
     
  15. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    I've done exactly the same thing. Sometimes a sharp sound will stop the violence. Just one more thing to add; please make sure that you have a safe room to retreat to if the violence is at an unacceptable level. ( that should be if the first objection makes no difference). I used the bathroom as there was a lock on the door. Make sure THAT YOU HAVE A CHARGED MOBILE PHONE WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES. Dial 999 the police will arrive but I promise you they will not hurt her. Sometimes a section follows and a stay in a mental health unit. My OH was sectioned 5 times and he was given medication that helped him.

    Take care of yourself

    Lyn T
     

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