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Had to put mum into respite care today

Nikkia27

Registered User
Aug 10, 2018
13
0
hello,

Not sure if anyone’s still up but I’ve had such a terrible day I had to post. My dad (mums primary carer) went into hospital with breathing issues on Saturday night and I’ve had to organise respite care for mum today. After putting up a bit of a fight and floods of tears, she’s there, but I feel so guilty about not having her with me. My shoulders feel weighted down and I can’t stop crying.

Mums dementia isn’t at the point where she doesn’t recognise me but her other health issues are becoming more prominent and her health is failing. My poor dad has been struggling to cope at home with her and his body is just exhausted. I’ve done my best by batch cooking their foods so that they eat well and help manage finances etc., but it’s not enough.

Mum thinks she’s at respite for 2 days but in reality I think dad will be in hospital for at least 7-10 days and I’m not sure he will be able to care for her after. I now feel completely split as I need to take her to see dad at hospital each day (15 miles away each way) and manage my own work and family. I’m already exhausted emotionally and physically from the past few days.

I’m not even sure what advice I’m asking for....just how to cope with the guilt maybe and how on earth to cope moving forwards if mum can’t go home. She’s going to get so angry and upset.

And though I know it’s true, if one more person says to me to take one day st a time, I’m going to cry again. Deep breaths and trying to carry on, but I just feel like it’s all too much to bear.
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,993
0
Chester
You need to make sure you don't exhaust yourself otherwise you won't be able to care for either of them. Is it really essential to take mum to see dad every day, every other day or every third day might be better all round.

Mum needs to settle into respite, and dad needs time to get well.

Taking a step back might help as well if mum can't go home, let her get used to the rhythm's and routines of the care home.

And there is a bashing stick on TP for the guilt monster, so bash away at him and look after yourself.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,359
0
South coast
It sounds like your mum has reached the stage of needed a whole team of people to look after her, not just one frazzled carer (however loving and willing). This is not your fault - dementia will always take everything that you have got and still demand more. It has made your dad ill, dont let it take you too.
 

Maryland

Registered User
Mar 30, 2015
62
0
North East UK
hello,

Not sure if anyone’s still up but I’ve had such a terrible day I had to post. My dad (mums primary carer) went into hospital with breathing issues on Saturday night and I’ve had to organise respite care for mum today. After putting up a bit of a fight and floods of tears, she’s there, but I feel so guilty about not having her with me. My shoulders feel weighted down and I can’t stop crying.

Mums dementia isn’t at the point where she doesn’t recognise me but her other health issues are becoming more prominent and her health is failing. My poor dad has been struggling to cope at home with her and his body is just exhausted. I’ve done my best by batch cooking their foods so that they eat well and help manage finances etc., but it’s not enough.

Mum thinks she’s at respite for 2 days but in reality I think dad will be in hospital for at least 7-10 days and I’m not sure he will be able to care for her after. I now feel completely split as I need to take her to see dad at hospital each day (15 miles away each way) and manage my own work and family. I’m already exhausted emotionally and physically from the past few days.

I’m not even sure what advice I’m asking for....just how to cope with the guilt maybe and how on earth to cope moving forwards if mum can’t go home. She’s going to get so angry and upset.

And though I know it’s true, if one more person says to me to take one day st a time, I’m going to cry again. Deep breaths and trying to carry on, but I just feel like it’s all too much to bear.
Take care Nikkia27 - I still awake. Having 5 mins to myself after a tiring day with my OH. he told me at 8pm it was time I went to bed. He now treating me like a child but doesn’t do anything for me. I know how you feel about your mum. I took my OH to see the consultant at the memory clinic and he said I needed at least a week respite but I can’t accept it in my mind. I know he is right but keep thinking that I can cope but know eventually I won’t be able to. As others have said - yes take each day as it comes. She may the change and the company will take her mind off things. Could you not take your mum to see your dad every couple of days to help you out ? You probably feel worse than she does and as you said it’s the guilt. At least they are both in places where they are being looked after. Why don’t you ring the care home tomorrow and see how the land lies and play it by ear. Make yourself a cup of tea and go to bed. Things may be clearer in the morning. Take care xx
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,376
0
Nikkia27.
You have done exactly the right thing for everybody.
Dad can relax, knowing Mum is being well cared for.
You can run around for everybody, without worrying about how mum is being cared for.
There will be discharge meetings regarding dads care needs, when leaving hospital, it's up to you to speak up with the true situation!
Dad will say he can manage fine, mum won't see the need! They will both want to "go home".
Dad may need a period of convalescence, which means mum will be in respite for longer, if she gets settled, it may be for the best she stays.

Bod
 

lis66

Registered User
Aug 7, 2015
277
0
Hi I'm exactly in the same situation as you are my dad was in ICU with sepsis he lives with my mum who has AD dad was in hospital for four weeks ,then respite for another four.I got mum emergency respite for two weeks and it's the hardest thing I have ever done ,I was crying every day and also had the guilt monster,dad had told me he cdnt cope with mum anymore ,but when he was in respite himself he broke down and said he cdnt put mum into care .Mum was with me for about five weeks ,she is now back at home with dad they have carers in four times a day ,but it's an accident waiting to happen ,I've mums name down for two resendital homes ,but no beds available it's proving very hard to get resendital care .