1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    #1 feffy123, May 3, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2015
    I have absolutely had enough. I thought things would get better this year but MIL is still here. 10 years now the latter part waiting on her hand and foot, my husband that is not me. I pulled out of that one as I feel we are being taken for a ride. She has offered no housekeeping in that time and expects 3 meals a day. Now he, husband, has been told he has high blood pressure. Well I'm not surprised. She doesn't wash and let me tell you the smell is unbearable I tried to help her in the past but she went mad when I washed her bed so in all honesty **** it. I know this sound harsh but she ignores me and tells tales to the relatives. Me and my husband need to get in with our lives and now my daughter needs help for very special reasons I need to dedicate my time to her. MIL needs to be in a home. I don't know why my husband won't do it he must see the stress we are in. I'm cleaning her mess off the bathroom floor and putting up with her 'looks'. I know that she is ill but she has always been stubborn and bitchy so I'm not being unreasonable. When will he see that our marriage is going down hill and move her on! She goes to a hone once a week and loves it there so I don't see what the problem is so upset if it wasn't for my daughter I would go :(
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    Self obsession and selfishness are a big problem, the total inability to see how reliant they are on you and all you're doing while they're quite happy to cause you grief.
    If she goes to a home once a week and enjoys it couldn't you extend it to 2 days then 3 days, your husband may come round when he sees how much happier you both are when she's at/in the home.
    It's got to the point where it's affecting your husband's health, your stress levels sound like they're running a bit high and you have a child with problems, something needs to change.
    Have you had an assessment done for your needs? There is a thread on here currently about the new April 2015 regulations, have a read and see, basically you now have a (legal) right to make the council looks at your circumstances and do something in accordance with the law, theoretically they HAVE to do this, like it or not, hopefully there is something in there that may help.
  3. HelenInBC

    HelenInBC Registered User

    Mar 23, 2013
    Sounds like you're really at the end of your tether. Perhaps you can sit down with your husband when you're calm and just tell him how you're feeling. Let him know that you're no longer going to be the carer for his mother. Kind of put the ball in his court and ask him what alternatives he can suggest, because your daughter needs you and you want to have a better life with him.
    If you don't get any helpful response, perhaps it would be better to write him a letter. Sometimes it's easier to express feelings on paper when you have more time to think through what you want to say.

    good luck.
  4. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    Thanks everyone and sorry I swore and put up such an angry thread.
  5. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    I think you need to tell him, very very calmly, essentially what you've told us. Tell him you love him (if you do) and want a future with him and want him to be healthy enough to enjoy that future.
    Tell him your priority is your daughter and you feel his should be you and your daughter, too. That you feel he has prioritised his mother to your detriment. (If that is how you feel.)
    If you don't get a reaction and really do feel it's the end of the line (as opposed to the OP being a much-needed letting off of steam) then research your position before taking action. Why should you go? If your daughter needs a home then you and daughter take priority for that roof over your heads.
    Take care of yourself. *big virtual hug* 10 years is a long time to put your life in stasis for someone who doesn't like you. You've done an amazing job.
    Post crossed with yours. --You don't need to apologise for 'swearing'!
  6. feffy123

    feffy123 Registered User

    Jan 15, 2015
    Thanks Readlou xx

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