1. suem

    suem Registered User

    Jul 1, 2005
    Many of you will know how I've wrestled with my emotions as whether to put my husband in care. But also the constant battles I have with my stepsons.......but now I can take no more....

    We have loads of support from medics, SS etc, I couldn't have more. They have given extensive rolling respite, daycare and home help but I can't take anymore. I'm a zombie and want my live back.
    He is not quite ready for residential care, although SS will agree to this route.....he won't. I would say he is about 80% ready.
    If I walk out he will probably be forced into care but I run the risk of losing my portion of the house which I've worked many years for. My stepsons will do everything in their power to ensure I'm shown as the heartless step mother, although they do nothing to help. I will have to support myself from savings until I get a job as I've no income.
    We have tried for 9 months to make this work but it doesn't, there are numerous things that make it unworkable.
    Many will think this heartless, but I am relatively young, sick of living on anti depressants, being suicidal.
    Do I walk away and create a new life, albeit a hard one ?? Or stick it to a life of misery for both of us??
  2. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    I have read your post and really really feel for you. I just cannot advise - you do really need a face to face discussion with someone who can help you. ? how is your doctor for this, if he/she cannot help, do they have a counselling service - at least then you may 'talk aloud' to someone and get some sense out of your own feelings.

    It is so hard - this wretched disease - I know I cannot advise you properly but I do sympathise and hope others can come up with ideas for you.

    Keep faith - it WILL work out in the end.
    Best wishes Beckyjan
  3. lizzie2596

    lizzie2596 Registered User

    Jul 3, 2007
    Having just gone through the difficult process of realising that I couldn't cope with looking after my Mum and making the decision to find permanent care I totally sympathise with how you are feeling. You must remember that it is not just your husband who has needs - you do too and they are equally important. Your health has clearly suffered already and if you feel that you can't go on then, whether your husband is 100% ready or not, decisions need to be made.

    It must be extra difficult if your stepsons are being so difficult towards you but try not to be intimidated by them. As a wife you have legal rights as far as the house is concerned so it might be worth getting in touch with the CAB to confirm what they are and set your mind at rest.

    Have you had a carers assessment and, if so, does it need updating to take account of your failing health? You need to talk things through with the social worker so that they truly understand how desperate you are. You have nothing to lose.

  4. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Suem,

    It sounds like a horrible situation you are in, but I don't quite understand your comment:

    As Liz says as his wife you have rights in the house. Is the home in your husband's sole name? If so you can register your rights under the Matrimonial Homes Act. Also if your husband goes into care the house will be discounted when calculating his capital if you are living in the house. Is this what you are thinking?

    I apologise if I have misunderstood the situation
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Dear Suem

    I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know what it is like to feel at the end of your tether -- and also to have unfeeling step-sons.

    I think Liz is right, your first priority is to get mare help. Are you in contact with your local branch of Princess Royal Trust? If not, please ring them immediately and tell them exactly how you are feeling. They are very supportive, and will also get you emergency help from SS.

    If you hve alresdy done that, and you still feel desperate, ask SS for emergancy respite. You cannot continue caring, feeling like you do.

    Give yourself some time to relax, and if at the end of that, you still feel the same, then you should certainly be looking at a care home for your husband. No-one has to care until their own health breaks down.

    As the person whose situation is probably closest to your own, I'm sorry I wasn't online last night, my browser went down! I do hope you're with us this morning.

    Please take care of yourself,

  6. strawberrywhip

    strawberrywhip Registered User

    Jun 26, 2006
    Take your life back Sue

  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Sue, I've just been reading your earlier thread:


    Did you get the EPA? Please don't just walk away, you'd give them grounds to challenge it.

    You've fought them before,and won. You know the law is on your side. I know it's hard, but the worst is behind you. Time to think about your own future now.

  8. suem

    suem Registered User

    Jul 1, 2005
    All medics & SS support move into care. BUT husband and S Sons do not. My S.Sons are likely to do anything to get their hands on the house and if I insist on husband going into care this is what they will do. We have unregistered EPA in my favour although everything we have is joint. If I try to register they will object and get a new one in their favour.....they have already done this once. They are likely to take my husband to a solicitor and get his will changed, in their favour so I'm not beneficiary for my husbands share. If they did that I would have to sell to give them their half.
    They will influence my husband to gain what they want.
  9. strawberrywhip

    strawberrywhip Registered User

    Jun 26, 2006
    New laws on capacity

    Sue ,
    Surely if the medics and social services support you then surely there is an issure of whether your husband has capacity to change his will or make decisions anyway. This battle over property is something I see all the time, and power of attorney clearly states that you should be acting in the interest of the person (not for the benefit of money grabbing relatives) If your medic suports you surely your step sons dont have a leg to stand on. Anway, wont social services will pay the cost of the home if you are still living in the family home : they can`t make you homeless. Sounds like a red herring to me ...1st issue is ..he needs placement urgently your pyschiatrist will document this for you, supported by social services ... if he needs placement surely he has no capacity to make his ownb decisions...how can they challenge EPA and get away with it when all the medical evidence is on your side?
    Mum in law was self funding, we registered the EPA as soon as it was obvious she was unable to care for herself. Just sent the POA off with the registration fee and it was done within a month. Her care is paid for out of her pensions, and we are renting thehouse out to help, but the money will run out and we will have to sell the house but she needs the care and this was in her best interest. The money was never ours it had to be used for her ..and some relatives need to wake up to this fact.
    Good luck with your battles .. first priority get him placed!
  10. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    I wonder, whether for partners or children with difficult relationships/family dynamics ..... if we took dementia out of the equation and kicked all the assocaied guilt monsters into touch ... would it change how we saw the situation - present and future For them, for ourselves?

    Just a thought,

    Love, Karen, x
  11. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    Sue, I have read the whole post. I cannot add much, but you need to get your life sorted. See CAB, solicitor who helped with EPA. Anyone else but not the stepsons or anyone that feeds information back. In my experience people sometimes give away too much information. Don't tell anyone what your plans / thoughts are. What they don't know they can't fight. They don't live with it. These are only my views / thoughts.

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