Had enough !

suem

Registered User
Jul 1, 2005
61
Worcestershire
Many of you will know how I've wrestled with my emotions as whether to put my husband in care. But also the constant battles I have with my stepsons.......but now I can take no more....

We have loads of support from medics, SS etc, I couldn't have more. They have given extensive rolling respite, daycare and home help but I can't take anymore. I'm a zombie and want my live back.
He is not quite ready for residential care, although SS will agree to this route.....he won't. I would say he is about 80% ready.
If I walk out he will probably be forced into care but I run the risk of losing my portion of the house which I've worked many years for. My stepsons will do everything in their power to ensure I'm shown as the heartless step mother, although they do nothing to help. I will have to support myself from savings until I get a job as I've no income.
We have tried for 9 months to make this work but it doesn't, there are numerous things that make it unworkable.
Many will think this heartless, but I am relatively young, sick of living on anti depressants, being suicidal.
Do I walk away and create a new life, albeit a hard one ?? Or stick it to a life of misery for both of us??
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,972
Derbyshire
I have read your post and really really feel for you. I just cannot advise - you do really need a face to face discussion with someone who can help you. ? how is your doctor for this, if he/she cannot help, do they have a counselling service - at least then you may 'talk aloud' to someone and get some sense out of your own feelings.

It is so hard - this wretched disease - I know I cannot advise you properly but I do sympathise and hope others can come up with ideas for you.

Keep faith - it WILL work out in the end.
Best wishes Beckyjan
 

lizzie2596

Registered User
Jul 3, 2007
91
Having just gone through the difficult process of realising that I couldn't cope with looking after my Mum and making the decision to find permanent care I totally sympathise with how you are feeling. You must remember that it is not just your husband who has needs - you do too and they are equally important. Your health has clearly suffered already and if you feel that you can't go on then, whether your husband is 100% ready or not, decisions need to be made.

It must be extra difficult if your stepsons are being so difficult towards you but try not to be intimidated by them. As a wife you have legal rights as far as the house is concerned so it might be worth getting in touch with the CAB to confirm what they are and set your mind at rest.

Have you had a carers assessment and, if so, does it need updating to take account of your failing health? You need to talk things through with the social worker so that they truly understand how desperate you are. You have nothing to lose.

Liz.
 

sue38

Registered User
Mar 6, 2007
10,854
51
Wigan, Lancs
Hi Suem,

It sounds like a horrible situation you are in, but I don't quite understand your comment:

If I walk out he will probably be forced into care but I run the risk of losing my portion of the house which I've worked many years for.
As Liz says as his wife you have rights in the house. Is the home in your husband's sole name? If so you can register your rights under the Matrimonial Homes Act. Also if your husband goes into care the house will be discounted when calculating his capital if you are living in the house. Is this what you are thinking?

I apologise if I have misunderstood the situation
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Suem

I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. I know what it is like to feel at the end of your tether -- and also to have unfeeling step-sons.

I think Liz is right, your first priority is to get mare help. Are you in contact with your local branch of Princess Royal Trust? If not, please ring them immediately and tell them exactly how you are feeling. They are very supportive, and will also get you emergency help from SS.

If you hve alresdy done that, and you still feel desperate, ask SS for emergancy respite. You cannot continue caring, feeling like you do.

Give yourself some time to relax, and if at the end of that, you still feel the same, then you should certainly be looking at a care home for your husband. No-one has to care until their own health breaks down.

As the person whose situation is probably closest to your own, I'm sorry I wasn't online last night, my browser went down! I do hope you're with us this morning.

Please take care of yourself,

Love,
 

strawberrywhip

Registered User
Jun 26, 2006
76
kent
Take your life back Sue

suem said:
Many of you will know how I've wrestled with my emotions as whether to put my husband in care. But also the constant battles I have with my stepsons.......but now I can take no more....

Sue having just got Mother in law into an EMI Residential home, I can say..just do it! have your life back.... its wonderful! We are still relishing the sense of freedom.

There comes a time when you have done everything you have exhausted all the respite, carers (which she sent away or hid from) , family support .. and just run out of energy steam..and the will to live... and that means its time. Your husband will never think it is time. I cannot imagine there is a single person in an EMI home who went willingly. I work in a hospital and often people end up being admitted as a result of an emergency admission, so families dont have to go through the trauma of getting them in from home.

We have had a couple of years ..probably longer looking back at the symptoms of gradually increasing the support to the point where my husband gave up his job .to care for hs mother ..he is self employed to so the work gradually dropped off. He finally applied for attendance allowance and carers allowance, which oc course has stopped now.

He always said when she didnt recognise him she would be ready..well of course she does still recognise him ..although at times he was her father, husband, boyfirend etc..So he had to come to terms with the fact that there are times when she can have a reasonable conversation but was quite unable to care for herself ..cook, mange her own finances or organise herself. However she was very fit and very mobile for an 82 year old, and would walk and walk, and try and get on buses and trains (she never learned to drive!) which was a nightmare.
We increased her days at a day centre, which he took her to daily ..always a battle when she got there...I dont want to be here ..I m going to call the police ..trying to run down the drive ..hoever when we poicked her up at the end of the day .she always said what a lovely time she had had..forgot completley the morning fuss!

She has been increasingley agitated over the last year, and the psychiatrist did warn us to look out for this depression as a sign she is not coping. We live in a little village and all the shopkeepers have known her for years and have been very patient and supportive, but of course her visits and conversation have become increasingly bizarre : and she recognises peoples facial expressions when they clearly are wondering what on earth she is on about, and has enough insight to recognise that she was not connecting with people in any meaningful way.
Her daughter had her when we were on holiday, she went to the day centre, and spent the evenings with us, we would take her down the road and tuck her into her bed at her house at night..this was becoming increasingley confusing for her.
We realised she needed 24/7 care ..at the end we were locking her door at night because she went wandering...and this was the crisis moment.
So we looked for a residential home with minimal agency staff, a garden she could wander in, and we found a nice little family home, with a resident dog, lovely staff and 15 people in each house, so a real family unit.
It was hell taking her in , we didnt tell her didnt even pack a bag but got the room ready put all her clothes in the drawers took her furniture over while she was at her daughters and just took her in the clothes she stood up in. She couldnt retain anything for more than 10 minutes ..apart from old memories..so telilng her she was going in would have been impossible, upset her hugely, and she would not have walked in through the door!
We had visited once, and she had enjoyed her visit but not asked anything about the palce.
So we took her in, listened to a music session , was just going into lunch when she started asking to go home, one of the nurses took her aside and explained she was staying for a while ..she got cross we escaped! Terible guilt and feeling awful but she was there. Phoned the next day, stlled at times but also caught her trying toclimb out of a window, and constantly packing ..which did did at our house, and her daughters house as well.
Anyway ..2 weeks down the line she is settling, psychiatrist has been and she has just been started on mild sedatives to calm her agitation is much clamer but able to wander around and is tarting to make friends...we were able to talk to her on the phone yesterday which was lovely and she sounded happiers.
Staff are great ..we may visit in a week or so but will be guided by the staff
Just do it ....
We know a chao who looked after his mother ..got ot the end of his tether after some years phoned social services and said he couldnt take anymore ..they took her away that night.
Stepsons can b.... off .if they have not had their Dad for a few weeks 24/7 then they have no right to make any remarks. We have all been through the guilt thing be it neighbours, relatives etc who can make you feel like the villain of the piece whereas you have been managing a nightmare situation solo for along time
Best thing we did ..bite the bullet round up your support network GP and social servcies choose the home and do it. Then get on with your life.
Thinking of you
 

suem

Registered User
Jul 1, 2005
61
Worcestershire
All medics & SS support move into care. BUT husband and S Sons do not. My S.Sons are likely to do anything to get their hands on the house and if I insist on husband going into care this is what they will do. We have unregistered EPA in my favour although everything we have is joint. If I try to register they will object and get a new one in their favour.....they have already done this once. They are likely to take my husband to a solicitor and get his will changed, in their favour so I'm not beneficiary for my husbands share. If they did that I would have to sell to give them their half.
They will influence my husband to gain what they want.
THIS IS SUCH A MESS !!!!
 

strawberrywhip

Registered User
Jun 26, 2006
76
kent
New laws on capacity

Sue ,
Surely if the medics and social services support you then surely there is an issure of whether your husband has capacity to change his will or make decisions anyway. This battle over property is something I see all the time, and power of attorney clearly states that you should be acting in the interest of the person (not for the benefit of money grabbing relatives) If your medic suports you surely your step sons dont have a leg to stand on. Anway, wont social services will pay the cost of the home if you are still living in the family home : they can`t make you homeless. Sounds like a red herring to me ...1st issue is ..he needs placement urgently your pyschiatrist will document this for you, supported by social services ... if he needs placement surely he has no capacity to make his ownb decisions...how can they challenge EPA and get away with it when all the medical evidence is on your side?
Mum in law was self funding, we registered the EPA as soon as it was obvious she was unable to care for herself. Just sent the POA off with the registration fee and it was done within a month. Her care is paid for out of her pensions, and we are renting thehouse out to help, but the money will run out and we will have to sell the house but she needs the care and this was in her best interest. The money was never ours it had to be used for her ..and some relatives need to wake up to this fact.
Good luck with your battles .. first priority get him placed!
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
NW England
suem said:
Do I walk away and create a new life, albeit a hard one ?? Or stick it to a life of misery for both of us??
I wonder, whether for partners or children with difficult relationships/family dynamics ..... if we took dementia out of the equation and kicked all the assocaied guilt monsters into touch ... would it change how we saw the situation - present and future For them, for ourselves?

Just a thought,

Love, Karen, x
 

cris

Registered User
Aug 23, 2006
326
70
Chelmsford
Sue, I have read the whole post. I cannot add much, but you need to get your life sorted. See CAB, solicitor who helped with EPA. Anyone else but not the stepsons or anyone that feeds information back. In my experience people sometimes give away too much information. Don't tell anyone what your plans / thoughts are. What they don't know they can't fight. They don't live with it. These are only my views / thoughts.
cris