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had enough

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,404
South coast
my husband is only mild really with prompts and some personal care. he still got capacity so i couldnt force him
Im going to be quite blunt here, so I hope I dont offend you.
If you walked out, or took your own life, or ended up in hospital because of your back, what do you think would happen to your husband? Ill tell you what, he would end up in a care home because he wouldnt be able to look after himself, thats what. So why not go for a a couple of weeks of respite which would only be temporary?
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
He may only be mild but you are still caring for him and had the need to call on your daughter when you were really low , as @canary says if you were seriously ill he would have to go in. I would like to very kindly :) suggest that you get some help in now so he has time to get used to it before he progresses, I wished I had taken the advice given to others who were going through similar to I , I created my mums dependency on me and it has taken a lot of effort and worry to try and ease it a just a little, most surprisingly she has taken to new carer brilliantly and her eyes light up when she arrives. please think about it. Never be worried about sharing your feelings , we are all here to help each other . The stigma of MH seems to be being chipped away at gradually thank goodness. Take care of yourself as well as OH you are just as important . X
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
647
Im going to be quite blunt here, so I hope I dont offend you.
If you walked out, or took your own life, or ended up in hospital because of your back, what do you think would happen to your husband? Ill tell you what, he would end up in a care home because he wouldnt be able to look after himself, thats what. So why not go for a a couple of weeks of respite which would only be temporary?
you havent offended me and couldnt. i did go into hospital for a night and the three kids rallied round and the next door neighbour as well. i think that got to me as well. i had 2 admissions over a week one for my back i fell out of bed and they x-rayed my hip. they topped me up with oral morph all night and i slept. the first was because i had overdosed and i saw psych nurse who gave me a leaflet and i went home. both times the kids ran around my husband but when im here i get no help daughter today. but dont get the level of help so thats why it would be better if i wasnt here he would get the help from them. hes got capacity as well so if he said no they couldnt force him and waiting for poa.ive suggested his sister although shes 77in devon where he was born and raised and he has refused.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
647
Im going to be quite blunt here, so I hope I dont offend you.
If you walked out, or took your own life, or ended up in hospital because of your back, what do you think would happen to your husband? Ill tell you what, he would end up in a care home because he wouldnt be able to look after himself, thats what. So why not go for a a couple of weeks of respite which would only be temporary?
thankyou i understand that as im like a comfort blanket now he tells me im the only one that knows what he needs so already happening but im trying to reduce it by i have a phone number to try tomorrow ive tried family members but its not consistent enough he reacts best with the grandchildren.thats what he needs and his photos they are printing off of the little monkeys and what they do. he enjoys that.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
Please don’t think that , he is as well as he is because of your love and care . You are valued and needed and loved but we just don’t show it , we have learnt to become more open with our family and tell them how much we love them and how important they are but also not to shy away from the difficult questions , where as in the past we thought if we didn’t mention MH it might go away . A year ago I couldn’t have talked about it as I can now , it’s nothing to me ashamed of , we shouldn’t be worried /embarrassed to seek help , hope the phone call helps 🤞.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,404
South coast
both times the kids ran around my husband but when im here i get no help daughter today. but dont get the level of help so thats why it would be better if i wasnt here he would get the help from them. hes got capacity as well so if he said no they couldnt force
I know that despair when you feel certain that everything would be better if you just wernt there, but believe me it just isnt true, its an illusion. Ive been there and heard that siren song.

Your children would be devastated and they would not be able to continue looking after your husband for much more than a week or two. After that he would be left with just a couple of carer visits a day until eventually someone decided that it would be in his "best interest" to move into a care home whether he wanted it or not.

Honestly, hun, youve got to get help and look after yourself.
i have a phone number to try tomorrow
Please make that phone call
As someone said to me - dementia will take one life, dont let it take two.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

Ruth1974

Registered User
Dec 26, 2018
108
thgankyou she works in a pharmacy til late and has 2 young children 3 6 so hard for her. my son has a drink problem and had already had a beer beforeimy husband phoned for help. when i said my life is not viable i meant that i didnt want to live anymore and im fighting it but i dont really see a reason to live anymore
But you got out of bed this morning and got on this site and reached out. Then you got through the whole of today. You are a warrior and you've got through another day. Well done. All of this is really big and none of us can solve it for you but you made it through today and you can worry about tomorrow in the morning.
Tomorrow, write a list. Three columns: Things I can change
Things i can change in time
Things i can change now.
Pin it somewhere. The things you can change now might be a short list and might keep getting annoying things added to it but when you cross something off the list, cross it out so you can remind yourself.
Big hug, virtual cup of tea x
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
647
But you got out of bed this morning and got on this site and reached out. Then you got through the whole of today. You are a warrior and you've got through another day. Well done. All of this is really big and none of us can solve it for you but you made it through today and you can worry about tomorrow in the morning.
Tomorrow, write a list. Three columns: Things I can change
Things i can change in time
Things i can change now.
Pin it somewhere. The things you can change now might be a short list and might keep getting annoying things added to it but when you cross something off the list, cross it out so you can remind yourself.
Big hug, virtual cup of tea x
thankyou for the advice i written it down and will look tomorrow and the hug and sweetners in my tea. i feel a bit stronger for all the support i have been given. i feel i dont deserve it but i take and i will sit down and do it. thanks jenny
 

Ruth1974

Registered User
Dec 26, 2018
108
thankyou for the advice i written it down and will look tomorrow and the hug and sweetners in my tea. i feel a bit stronger for all the support i have been given. i feel i dont deserve it but i take and i will sit down and do it. thanks jenny
Good.
Its going to be ok. I promise x
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,651
South East
thankyou for the advice i written it down and will look tomorrow and the hug and sweetners in my tea. i feel a bit stronger for all the support i have been given. i feel i dont deserve it but i take and i will sit down and do it. thanks jenny
You do deserve it ! Glad you feel a little stronger , always someone here listening and offering support .
 

CarolandVic

Registered User
May 1, 2020
12
Jennifer if you can manage it a good registered osteopath could put you right in just a few visits. I know because I suffered from sciatica for years through lifting patients, I know what that pain is but gp's rarely understand.
 

Veritas

Registered User
Jun 15, 2020
61
@jennifer1967 I echo the above posts - and endorse what @CarolandVic says about finding a good osteopath if you can manage it. GPs generally are not great with this kind of thing. If you are limited for funds, some osteopaths will offer concessions. Ask around - there'll be somebody out there known for doing a good job. Even if it does cost you more than you'd like, it's worth it to just get shot of the pain - you will feel a whole lot better and can then think about sorting out some of the other stuff that's making life so difficult for you at the moment.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
647
thankyou for the advice and sounds brilliant but we are on benefit just himself state pension and pension credits for myself so even concessions is way out of our league im afraid. we cant have anything else because of the age gap relationship but thanks anyway
 

Tigger68

Registered User
Jul 14, 2019
14
Samaritans Are def be worth a call immediately...I’m sure next week must feel like a long time away from where you are now. You need some help now. And something tangible to relieve the pressure from you NOw. I really urge you to make that call. It can’t do any harm and might do some good in some small way.
Big love, n
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
62,792
69
Dundee
Just following on from @Tigger68’s post - I thought I would add link to Samaritans -

 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
71,764
Kent
Hello @jennifer1967 Are you sure you have sciatica? I know sciatica can be extremely painful but I just want to check it has been diagnosed and it is not a self diagnosis.

Please get help for yourself as soon as possible because whatever you have won`t go away untreated.

I`m no medic but the doctor who suggested it may be your low mood affecting the pain has been most unsympathetic

It`s hard to fight your own corner when you are so low but please make your needs known to whoever you are in contact with, including your family. I know how debilitating constant pain can be. It is exhausting.

I had a trapped nerve and watched the clock before I could repeat my medication. My husband hid it from me in case I overdosed the pain was so bad.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
647
Hello @jennifer1967 Are you sure you have sciatica? I know sciatica can be extremely painful but I just want to check it has been diagnosed and it is not a self diagnosis.

Please get help for yourself as soon as possible because whatever you have won`t go away untreated.

I`m no medic but the doctor who suggested it may be your low mood affecting the pain has been most unsympathetic

It`s hard to fight your own corner when you are so low but please make your needs known to whoever you are in contact with, including your family. I know how debilitating constant pain can be. It is exhausting.

I had a trapped nerve and watched the clock before I could repeat my medication. My husband hid it from me in case I overdosed the pain was so bad.
thats what they have put it down to at the moment but i had a mri scan on my spine and the results have not come back yet that was 2 weeks ago almost ive got in touch with gp to find out what the results and they dont give results to gps until they have discussed it with surgeons orthopods and what seem to me the world and their wife and then if there is something there they tell doc how to treat it. all this time im in pain so i left a message to phone and tell me asap.i have sciatica before but never for this long or in this much pain that wont respond to painkillers, i have like electric shocks down my leg and like you i live the day looking for the next pain killer.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
647
Samaritans Are def be worth a call immediately...I’m sure next week must feel like a long time away from where you are now. You need some help now. And something tangible to relieve the pressure from you NOw. I really urge you to make that call. It can’t do any harm and might do some good in some small way.
Big love, n
thankyou i have called them once before late at night when i had had enough