Ha now they can't lie

2197alexandra

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
355
Sileby
One of the best things about dad living with me now is that invisibles can't lie about visiting dad anymore. I was convinced they were lying and saying dad must of forgot they had been. Now they have to come because I will know for sure now.

Even dad said after my sister left an hour ago I'm popular this week.

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CeliaW

Registered User
Jan 29, 2009
5,643
Hampshire
That's good Alexandra ! *Isn't it funny how the lies other family members tell, pull us down so much?
Peggy - it's good to see you post - hope you are OK xx

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Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,995
UK
Family members have been saying for years that they come but Mum doesn't remember. The staff were taken back to realise that Mum has more family than me as they have never met them. Apparently my Invisibles are living up to their nick name.
 

halojones

Registered User
May 7, 2014
438
invisibles

One of the best things about dad living with me now is that invisibles can't lie about visiting dad anymore. I was convinced they were lying and saying dad must of forgot they had been. Now they have to come because I will know for sure now.

Even dad said after my sister left an hour ago I'm popular this week.

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Me and my mum have 18 invisibles...before I moved in with mum,she was told (by a weekly phone call) to keep paying for the parking bay, so the invisibles could park there but they never popped up and visited mum. I caught my sibling and her husband on a bank holiday,parking at mums and
 

halojones

Registered User
May 7, 2014
438
Me and my mum have 18 invisibles...before I moved in with mum,she was told (by a weekly phone call) to keep paying for the parking bay, so the invisibles could park there but they never popped up and visited mum. I caught my sibling and her husband on a bank holiday,parking at mums and
not coming in to see her.The shock on their faces at being caught out,then scurrying off!! Its their loss not visiting ,oh, they don't use the parking bay anymore?!
 

Wolfsgirl

Registered User
Oct 18, 2012
1,028
Nr Heathrow, Mum has AD & VD
When I went to see Mum today she had forgotten my bro had just left, she had also forgotten my sister had left just before bro arrived. I know they had both been though because it was written in the book together with the times, but according to Mum when I mentioned this, it was only a 'brief moment'.

With your Dad, I hope this could be just because he has more family contact (with you) he feels more popular :D but there are still reliable instincts I find.

Hoping you manage to maintain good relationships with your siblings because it is just awful not to! When my siblings do, or do not (bro does) visit my Mum, I tell myself it is not my business because at the end of the day we all have to live with ourselves. I am much less angry with my sis now...

:cool:


One of the best things about dad living with me now is that invisibles can't lie about visiting dad anymore. I was convinced they were lying and saying dad must of forgot they had been. Now they have to come because I will know for sure now.

Even dad said after my sister left an hour ago I'm popular this week.

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Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
When I went to see Mum today she had forgotten my bro had just left, she had also forgotten my sister had left just before bro arrived. I know they had both been though because it was written in the book together with the times, but according to Mum when I mentioned this, it was only a 'brief moment'.

:
I found the same with my mother more than once, brother leaving just as I was arriving, yet she had no recollection just a few minutes later. If I had been a stranger or a rare visitor I expect I would have believed her when she said 'none of my children ever come near'.

OTOH, as per the OP, it is all too easy for invisibles to use memory loss as a cover-up for their failings.
 

jen54

Registered User
May 20, 2014
235
it seems it is an easy excuse, I have had it- found out my sibling hadn't bothered visiting on the allotted day(both of us arranged to cover visiting every other day)only found out after mum rang to say she had run out of something-when sibling should have been there! when I contacted sibling to enquire the excuse was did it matter as the visit wouldn't be remembered anyway :( I know for sure other visits have been missed as I make a point of ringing...it's infuriating, as I get no emails to say if visits have been made - but get it in the neck if I don't regularily email with updates - I suppose it eases their conscious if they know I am covering everything and all is OK!!!!
As posted, my mum forgets visits within half an hour, as I have been up just after sibling, she has recalled.then got confused about who had visited, then within 1/2 hour swears she hasn't seen them for ages, I have a book I always write details of my visits or phone calls, needs, changes, shopping required, all details, I did suggest a guest book arrangement up mums, but it was deemed impractical as mum moves things and loses them
 
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greenpea

Registered User
Aug 12, 2014
57
Wow, this seems to happen a lot. Not quite the same but I have one sister who lives next door to dad, a sister who visits on Saturdays with me and a brother who has never been great at visiting ever. Dad is always saying he hasn't seen my brother for months, even though I've been there with him. My sisters always believe dad. My dad also says he hasn't seen my auntie for months or the sister who visits most Saturdays with me but my sisters say they know dad has just forgotten they have been. One sister even said she knew my brother hadn't visited when I knew he had and she was 200 miles away.

The sister who cares for dad has been away for a week, back one day then away from Tuesday till tomorrow. My other sister has been telling me she has been visiting dad every day except Saturday as she wants a break while I am able to visit. But she has tripped herself up a few times by posting on a social network site that she went on the first Monday and would be going back on Friday. Also that she had checked dad's bin the last time she was there on Thursday meaning she hadn't been on Friday. (And on Saturday, when I checked, it was full to the brim and there were maggots falling out on to the floor. If she had checked on Thursday, surely she would have noticed that.) Carer sister told me other sister would be going this Thursday but other sister said she'd been every day this week. Dad told me other sister had only been once each week. I know he forgets but, if she had been every day, I think he would have remembered that.
 

2197alexandra

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
355
Sileby
Well there you go. It's Sunday evening and my 2 brothers that alledgly visit at weekends every week have not bothered visiting again. My little brother was also due on Wednesday and no show.

I have got so much anger to vent and this app keeps crashing every time I write anything of any length.



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Wolfsgirl

Registered User
Oct 18, 2012
1,028
Nr Heathrow, Mum has AD & VD
I am sorry your doubts seem to be realised, it must make you feel so sad for your Dad:(

Are you planning on confronting them or going with the view of not much point in that and let them live with themselves?

Hold your head up high x



Well there you go. It's Sunday evening and my 2 brothers that alledgly visit at weekends every week have not bothered visiting again. My little brother was also due on Wednesday and no show.

I have got so much anger to vent and this app keeps crashing every time I write anything of any length.



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2197alexandra

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
355
Sileby
Well here we are again its Sunday afternoon another week has passed and still no visit from either of my brothers. WHY????

Why would they stop coming if they really did come every weekend. Lying b*********s

My dad is lying in his bed dying from this god awful disease and where are they NOWHERE. But I know where they have been thats for sure.

Dads door alarm is still activated and one night earlier in the week the alarm company rang me to say dads door had been opened and the alarm was activated was everything ok. After recovering from the initial shock that dads house could possibly being burgled I rang my brother to see if he could get there quicker than me he then told me oh its ok it was me I was just around the corner and thought I'd pop in for a cuppa??? Why would you do that when dads house has been locked up for nearly a month now. There wouldn't be any milk in the house and more importantly DAD IS NOT THERE.

I went to dads house on Thursday to collect some more of his personal items and whilst there I noticed that a couple of bottles of spirits had disappeared out of his drinks cabinet. I only noticed because there was space for 4 bottles and when I last did his shopping before he went into hospital I bought some tooth picks and put them in the drinks cabinet and thought oh my what a lot of booze I couldn't even shut the door.
I went to find a hammer to fix something that had fell down and all of dads tool boxes had been rummaged through also.

Rang my little brother yesterday expecting him to say he was coming over today with his lad and would I do him some dinner. No he just said Oh I had the day of work yesterday so I could do all my saturday jobs so I could just spend the weekend relaxing, watching DR Who tonight and a lazy day with his son on Sunday. ARGH:mad:

He then went on to ask me what I was going to do with all of dads stuff in the house because the only "connection he truly has" with dad is the same love of tools and he didn't realise that that, was the one thing they had in common until he started going round dads in the past 6 months on the odd occasion and saw all his tools in the back bedroom. He said if he ended up seeing them on ebay he'll go mad they should be mine I'm having them!!!!

So I guess it was him that had rooted through the tool boxes.

Neither of them have had the decency to visit him but they have both requested items of dads from his house or stolen them.

I hate them, I will never speak to any of them again when my father has passed away. They are a disgrace and I'm so glad my mother is not here to see what they are doing.

All they want is there inheritance which unfortunately is going to be substantial because I am looking after dad 24/7 and they won't loose their inheritance to care home fees.

I know my dad hurts so much by the way they have treated them. My eldest brother was 2 years old when my dad met mum he took him and my sister on as his own and brought them up and loved them more than anything. He provided, he taught, he nurtured, he did everything and what thanks has he got for it. My heart is breaking for him.
 

jeany123

Registered User
Mar 24, 2012
19,036
70
Durham
Have you asked them to come, they might not know how important it is to you and your dad, I think you should let them know and tell them what you think of them if they still don't visit,
 

2197alexandra

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
355
Sileby
Have you asked them to come, they might not know how important it is to you and your dad, I think you should let them know and tell them what you think of them if they still don't visit,
I have spent the past 2 years begging my brothers and sister to visit dad more often. All he evr wanted was a bit of company. Just a cuppa once or twice a week. They all live much closer than I did only 10 minutes for them but it was the hardest thing for them to do.
I took control of all the important caring duties, appointments, shopping, laundrey, dentists, memory clinic, arranging everything in my dads life. Everything all they had to do was just visit. They all made it very clear in the begining that they wouldn't be taking on any caring duties them selves as they didn't have time or didn't want to.
They all wanted dad to go into a home so they only had to visit.

I didn't want dad to go into a home I promised my dad faithfully I would always be there to look after him no matter what. He brought me into this world and brought me up to be the woman I am today. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I ring my brothers and sister all the time asking them to visit him. When he was at home they used to tell me they had been and dad would say they hadn't. They then said he must of forgotten. No he didn't forget they lied.

My sister only comes once a week now because I'm here. She doesn't mind coming to visit me and if it means that she gets a bonus point for visiting dad at the same time suits her now he's here but before he moved here she had only seen him 2 times this year. Once on her birthday because I took him to her house and once on his birthday because I had a little birthday tea for him at my house.

I have just rang my eldest brother to see why he hasn't managed to get round this weekend and he said he was playing golf this morning and then his wife was out this afternoon so he had to sit with the dogs?????? 2 tiny little balls of fluff need watching all afternoon?????

I can't fall out with any of them right now because dad is here and I need to keep the path clear for if they do ever come to visit. I am not going to have it chucked back in face at a later date when they realise how awful they have been that it was my fault they couldn't see dad in his final months, year because I had fell out with them and dad was living in my house making it impossible. I will bite my tongue and cry my tears in silence.
 

garnuft

Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
6,585
I totally understand where you're coming from.

I'm the youngest of six and all of my siblings (2 living bros and 2 sisters) are all Mam and Dad's, no step-children relationships to make things more complicated, heaven forfend!
It was bad enough with genes in common, I can't imagine how trying it must be when there isn't even that to protect your sensibilities!
The step family thing would, I think, drive my temper through the roof. As you say, after all the kindness, caring and love he showed them, they can't be bothered to come and see him. GRRRR!!!!

Your name for them is spot on.

My Mam's two living son's (my brothers) couldn't be bothered to come and see her much during her long battle with dementia. They appeared at the end, to appear to be the dutiful sons but dutiful sons would have been there more often in the six years of her battle.

I don't think either one of them were interested in money, they have enough of their own and it was only my oldest brother who was miffed he didn't get more from Mam's house but his son's hadn't seen their Nana for at least 15 years before her death and both had fancy weddings during Mam's illness that Mam wasn't even invited to, so they can ball off and bounce as far as I'm concerned.

Oldest brother has come through to visit my oldest sister and I more in the 5 months since Mam died than he ever did in the years she needed him and the youngest (58, not a baby) hasn't been seen or heard of since the funeral.

Two brothers...'Can't Cope' and 'Won't Cope'.

They are gone from my life, I shall spend my days avoiding any visit (stood in the kitchen smoking a fag and hiding when he knocked on the door to visit last) and I hope never to meet them again.

My middle sister was as much use as a chocolate fireguard and she texts me all the time, at least she did until I finally got a why-Aye phone and changed my number.

The only one I keep in contact with is my oldest sister.
I like it that way.

I'm afraid my lip would curl into a snarl of disregard and aggression and I would mask it with a smile, then I would take all of the tools home with me.

I would take everything home with me they might want, after all...Dad is there isn't he?
They need to get their priorities right but just in case they don't...I would take the ball home and stop play.

But that's just me.
 
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annie h

Registered User
Jun 1, 2013
148
I'm so sorry Alexandra, it's grim isn't it? I agree with Garnuft, the right place for all your dad's things is where he is! But don't let it get so far that the clutter starts to depress you.

Myself, I am at home spending every day of my well-earned holiday sitting with my mother in the interminable wait for death because my two good for nothing siblings don't have the decency to spend any time with their dying mother. I've spent years biting my lip with sibling no.1 to try to prevent things getting unpleasant because, as you say, I wouldn't have wanted to do anything preventing them from visiting Mum or having it as an excuse. It really wasn't worth it. I was supposed to go away Thursday on holiday and asked sibling 1 to cover things whilst I'm away, but all that was on offer was "may be able to visit one evening after work next week". Eight years I've been responsible for everything and in that he's visited about once a year!

I have always made allowances for sibling 2 who lives abroad and has marital problems - but arrived with two daughters in the UK for a holiday yesterday and still hasn't got in touch to ask how things are.

This doesn't mean it's the right answer for you, but personally I'm asking myself why I didn't just tell them both to take a running jump years ago.

Unfortunately I share LPA with Sibling 1 who never hesitates to pester me with documents to sign to maximise the amount that my mother will leave to her children - it's amazing the way he finds time for that.
 

susy

Registered User
Jul 29, 2013
801
North East
Who has POA? I'm thinking along the lines of protecting your dad's stuff and thinking about changing the locks to his house.
 

2197alexandra

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
355
Sileby
Hi susy I have full unrestricted POA for both finance and health and welfare.
I think my dad knew back in the beginning who would be the one to look after his best interests. He didn't want any of my brothers or sister having anything to do with the decision making about his welfare when he couldn't anymore. How right was he.:(

Me and my younger brother are dads children and my elder brother and elder sister have a different father my mum was married once before meeting my dad and then having me(38) and my little brother(37 not so little) He chose me to look after his affairs and my sister was the notified person so (a person from the other side so to say was in the know what was happening if you get what I mean).

My brothers only found out I had POA about 12 months ago when they first started trying to get dad in a home and sell his house. They don't understand anything about DOA and think that they can just come along and have there share now he's living with me. What they don't seem to understand is what if something happened to me god forbid what the hell would happen to him then. His care home fees that they so badly wanted him to go in to a year ago will probably use up his entire estate leaving them nothing.

I have just finished speaking to my aunt and she said I should get the house cleared as soon as possible and sold. I don't have time to be managing an empty house or a tennant that may cause a whole new book of problems.

Dad is never going home so I think its time to think about putting my childhood home up for sale. How sad.
 

2197alexandra

Registered User
Oct 28, 2013
355
Sileby
I'm so sorry Alexandra, it's grim isn't it? I agree with Garnuft, the right place for all your dad's things is where he is! But don't let it get so far that the clutter starts to depress you.

Myself, I am at home spending every day of my well-earned holiday sitting with my mother in the interminable wait for death because my two good for nothing siblings don't have the decency to spend any time with their dying mother. I've spent years biting my lip with sibling no.1 to try to prevent things getting unpleasant because, as you say, I wouldn't have wanted to do anything preventing them from visiting Mum or having it as an excuse. It really wasn't worth it. I was supposed to go away Thursday on holiday and asked sibling 1 to cover things whilst I'm away, but all that was on offer was "may be able to visit one evening after work next week". Eight years I've been responsible for everything and in that he's visited about once a year!

I have always made allowances for sibling 2 who lives abroad and has marital problems - but arrived with two daughters in the UK for a holiday yesterday and still hasn't got in touch to ask how things are.

This doesn't mean it's the right answer for you, but personally I'm asking myself why I didn't just tell them both to take a running jump years ago.

Unfortunately I share LPA with Sibling 1 who never hesitates to pester me with documents to sign to maximise the amount that my mother will leave to her children - it's amazing the way he finds time for that.

That's rotten you deserved that holiday. It hurts just as much as seeing a parent so ill as it is seeing a sibling being so bad, awful, mean, disrespectful, unloving, uncaring individuals. Especially if the said siblings had the same upbringing as yourself. I can't get my head around it.
Before dad moved in with me the first thing I thought about as soon as I opened my eyes in the morning was Dad. How was he, had he fell during the night, is he happy this morning, had he gone walk about, if he has where could he be. And that wouldn't stop till I got down his house after taking the kids school. Then the same as soon as I left him. Is he ok, has he fell, has his carer turned up to do his food and meds, he's not answering the phone why? 2 hour round trip just to see him watching tv ignoring the phone.

Honestly I didn't realise till middle of last week just how much I was suffering from anxiety attacks about it all. That feeling has now gone, if I wake up at 3am and I'm worried how dad is I just pop down the bottom of the garden open his door and sneak a peek. I often sit on his settee and watch him sleep. I am seeing so much more of this illness now dad is with me 24/7. I know I was with him a lot before he moved in but this illness changes hourly with dad and I'm really seeing that now.

How can they not share a little bit of that feeling. I couldn't imagine not seeing my dad for more than a day let alone 3 weeks!!!
In your case with your mother and her children months or years!!! Maybe our genes got mixed up or something cause were certainly not computing the same as them.:confused: