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Registered User
Nov 23, 2015
Hi,I am new to the forum today and my Dad has Alzheimer's,I live 100 miles from my parents,my Dad is 86 and my Mum 82.I am really depressed at the moment having lost my 29 year old daughter in extremely traumatic circumstances last year.I am finding it very painful and difficult to see the changes in my Dad,I am very scared and almost have a phobia about this.I don't want to be selfish,I want to help my Mum and I call her every day and have promised if she needs me I will go there.My Mum is very independent and stubborn and has only just got an appointment to see someone from the Alzheimers society next week.Has anyone else experienced this sheer terror of seeing the onset of worse symptoms every visit? Have you any advice how to cope? I have major surgery coming up on 13th January and my husband lost his Mum in September.I feel as if I am falling apart and today can't get out of bed for feeling sick and crying,which is not like me,but everything is just too much.I feel selfish and ashamed,does anyone recognise this reaction?


Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
Oh my goodness - you have more to cope with in a year than many people have in a lifetime. You are most certainly not selfish and please don't be ashamed - you have nothing to be ashamed of at all!

I am wondering if it might be an idea for you to see your GP and tell him exactly what you have just posted. Even in the short term medication can be really helpful - my Sister in Law had some traumas last year and she took anti depressants for 6 months and had some counselling through the GP and it really helped.

Others will be along soon and there is loads of support on here. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you x


Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
Hello Guineapig, so sorry for your loss of your beloved daughter, glad but sad you have joined us here at Talking Point, hope us as carers and people that care will be of help to you, much understanding and support always available...yep dementia is very scary and can only say that sometimes we can get used to the ups and downs of this unpredicatable illness, please don't ever feel guilty or ashamed of how you are feeling or your thoughts on the future of your dad,with some of us the sadness does become overwhelming and having a good cry is good:eek: is it possible to get appointment with your doctor to discuss how you are feeling and see what help can be brought in to help mum and dad? maybe mum could go with you as she,even being so independant will need additional support sooner rather then later.
Please keep posting here and ask away any questions or concerns you may have,there is usually someone who will be able to lend an ear,or supply a gentle virtual hug when needed.
Take care
Chris x


Registered User
Nov 1, 2015
Good advice from fizzie

Hello Guineapig,

I would agree with fizzie, there is only so much one can bear in any year and you have had a decades worth at least. Get to the doctors pronto hon.

My hubby and I have been caring for my parents for over 5 years. They both have forms of dementia. I ended up being hyper-vigilant, not sleeping, waiting for the alert to go off. Finally got help after a year of suffering insomnia. Was at the point where my brain would not work and I would virtually collapse with tiredness and take to my bed in the day.

My husband made an appointment with the doc for me and I was duly given a prescription for a pill that would help me sleep and elevate my mood. Thank God! Felt better after first night just because I got a good 6-7 hours sleep (previously had been lucky to get 4 hours).

It made me realise I need to come out the other end of this journey and cope with each stage - so my attitude is - hey what ever it takes! Two years on I'm still on medication and I'm doing a blooming site better than I could have possibly imagined (I was in a very bad place before).

Do not be hard on yourself, only kind, and I'm sending empathy vibes to you.

Best Wishes to you


Registered User
Feb 19, 2010
The Sweet North
Guineapig, I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is a life changing experience, and it was only last year, so I am not surprised that you are afraid to face even further changes. The loss of your husband's Mum and your imminent surgery are further changes that you have had to cope with while still raw with grief at the loss of your daughter.
I agree with the advice above wholeheartedly. When the burdens of life overwhelm us, we need help, and a good GP will help you. Did you have grief counselling after losing your daughter? If not, I would give it serious consideration, though I realise it would have to wait until you are recovered from your surgery.
You have suffered a terrible loss, and it is enough to bear, so please do not feel guilty at not being able to do more for your parents. Go and see them if and when you feel strong enough, but try not to feel that you are responsible for everything. There is a limit to what any of us can do, and you sound as though you have enough to cope with.
I hope you can see your GP soon, if only to talk about how you are feeling, but hopefully the GP will offer you some medication to help you through.
I hope the surgery goes well, and once again, my deepest sympathy for your loss.


Registered User
Oct 11, 2012

Wow you have been through more than some people go through in a life time. Such a lot of loss. It is important to concentrate on preparing for your surgery just a couple of weeks away. You are important in the middle of all of this. Hope you can prepare for your recovery and think about your needs - at least a little bit.

Big hug to you x


Registered User
Nov 23, 2015
Thank You

Thank you so much to the people who replied to my first post.It is such a relief to not feel so alone in this.I am very grateful for all the understanding,support and kindness you have given me.xx