Guilty but not ashamed

[dedicated doe]

HI,Have not been on for a while but would like to express how i am feeling at the moment.
Dave is slowly getting more confused by the day and his speech is still affected from the recent mini strokes,but i am having some mixed feelings over his appearance,he will rarely have a shower and haircut and some days he looks like a tramp:when we go out i try to encourage him to have a good wash and put clean clothes on but he will get annoyed with me and say i am nagging,this fills me with guilt as i don!t want to go on at him he always took great pride in himself, now i feel at a loss what to do as i love him so much but there is a slight feeling of shame when people stare at him because of the way he looks as if it is my fault.
I would be grateful to hear if anyone else has been in the same situation.God Bless DOE.

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Doe,
I understand what you are saying about Dave.
Peter would go into the garden in his BEST CLOTHES and when we went to Consultant each month, he would insist on putting on his old gardening jeans, trainers.
The Consultant was brillaint over it and use to say to Peter "how is the gardening going "?
It is a very difficult thing to handle but if Peter got distressed I did not follow it through.
Strange but when he had a Carer, one very special lady come each morning, he would put on what whatever Jenny would say.
Mind you, when he went out in his gardening clothes and boots, I had to eventually see the funny side or cry. Boy did it make me feel overdressed and did strangers think, she is dressed up to the nines and look at her poor husband.
It will pass in time, trust me I am a Carer not a S.W.
Best wishes
Christine

 

[lesmisralbles]

It is a struggle

Ron, well he never think's of having a shave or shower.
I suggest it, he will then say OK
When out of the shower, he will say that feel's better.
It is a struggle.
Yes, I understand. I get dressed up, and well Ron he likes to dress down.
Ask's me what is all the fuss about, he does have a point.
BarbX

 

[Just thinking]

All new to me

I'm just coming to terms with all the issues relating to this awful disease and I've still got SO much to learn about how to handle these kind of situations. I leave clean clothes out for my mum and unless I've taken the dirty ones away she'll put on them on day after day. I'm not bothered if we're staying home but if I'm taking her some where I would like her to take a pride in herself but she really couldn't care less. I feel embarrassed about it though but I just don't know how to deal with it. As for getting washed, I'm sure it simply doesn't happen. She hates showers and as there's no bath available I just have to hope she's taking care of things in her own way but there is a slight 'niff' at times

 

[dedicated doe]

Thankyou

Thankyou to all who replied to my thread,it is a comfort to know i am not alone.God Bless Doe x

 

[jc141265]

The looks of others can cut right to the core. I don't think I was ever ashamed of Dad, but what really made their looks hurt was a natural instinct to want to protect ones own. They'd look at him as if he was some loser with no self control and we were just terrible for taking him out in society and embarassing him like that (not that he was ever aware)and you'd want to yell at them and tell them that they had no idea how hard we were fighting to keep him with us and how hard he was fighting to stay as normal as possible. But we got used to it, my mum especially I think was mortified by the looks of others again not so much because she cared about what they thought of her, but because those people seemed to think so little of Dad,...I think its harder for the older generations who were brought up in a more rigid society. But I'm proud to say that these days she's taken on a more devil may care attitude...the thing this disease does teach you eventually is to not care about the little things (or little minded) so much. After the first few initial shocks of outsiders reactions I didn't care either and in fact I took on the attitude that we were doing a service for society. I think society needs to see people like our Dads/Mums/Husbands/Wives. More visibility has got to mean a greater awareness of the true effects of this disease and perhaps it might get more people caring about improving homes and care assistance...and goodness knows if they get used to seeing someone like Dad, they probably won't blink an eye at the little disabled kid they see in the shops next time and thats got to be good for him/her..to start to feel acceptance when they are out and about.
Mum told me the other day that her and Dad walked all the way up the main street, past the school and to the church where her and Dad got married and I grinned to hear it...I said to her, what are you going to do if he goes down (as he has a habit of every now and then falling down - though not hard, its as if he loses his balance for a bit) and she just shrugged and said, "I've got my mobile with me so I can call for help and otherwise I'll just wait with him on the ground until he can get up again (as he does if you give him some time). I was highly amused as this was from a woman that 5yrs ago was mortified that someone might see Dad as he was then!

 

[jc141265]

Oh and another thing, something I have posted before but has no doubt got lost in all the threads by now. For when you are dealing up close with strangers it can be handy to have a little card made up that can fit in your purse that says something simple like. "My husband has dementia and we would greatly appreciate it if you can treat him as you would any other person and just understand why he is behaving as he is." Such a card is very useful when you need to do the every day things like get your loved one a haircut or try shoes on etc. It can be handed to the person you are dealing with, without having to announce it to the whole shop and without embarassing your loved one.

 

[dedicated doe]

Re Card

HI NAT,what a good idea about the card you have mentioned,when i have taken Dave to the barbers before i usually ask them to tidy him up but he just keeps telling the barber Not Too Short Not Too Short, and they just look to me not sure what to take off then Dave will fall asleep in the chair,i try to abide with his wishes but his hair grows so quickly it!s a real mess sometimes any tips on a good haircut.Thanks Doe.

 

[lesmisralbles]

Good idea about the card

Mum has a bracelet telling everyone she is om Warfarin.
Love Barb & Ron XX

 

[daughter]

I was highly amused as this was from a woman that 5yrs ago was mortified that someone might see Dad as he was then!

Hi Nat, I hope you don't mind me saying how pleased I am for you that your Mum has changed. To perhaps a lesser extent, this was how it was with my Mum, and if I'm honest with me too. We both took a while to stop being embarrassed, to start realising that it's other people's problem when they do not understand, and to start to "cope" with, (and sometimes to even enjoy), what needs to be done.

 

[jc141265]

Hazel, I even sent her flowers and chocolates for mothers day today! Knowing my past with her, you'll know that that is quite amazing!