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Guilty and Confused

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
74
Derbyshire
My Mum passed away in April and the first couple of months I was in organisation mode and a bit in denial, I didn’t grieve and concentrated on my father that was left. I am now all over the place, crying at the slightest thing. I kept strong and arranged everything as Dad was unable to do as he was in a daze for the first few months. I am now feeling guilty that we allowed Mum to go into a Nursing home, looking back we thought we couldn’t cope but perhaps we could have tried harder and found ways to keep her at home. Mum deteriorated so quickly after she went into a care home and then a nursing home and I feel if we had kept her at home she wouldn’t have deteriorated so fast and we would have not had to deal with not visiting restrictions in the Nursing home and the latterly the hospital. Mum's quality of life was very poor towards the end and I should have fought harder to keep her at home. My dad is not coping well now and has said he might have to consider a home, even though he is active, still drives mobile, he is just so lonely, I don’t think that is right for him and I am there every day without fail and clean, cook and he comes to ours for some dinners. He thinks he is a burden, but he isn’t, he feels he is impacting on my life and that of my family. I have tried to set up broadband and a smart TV so he can access different online options for films and sport but he said it doesn’t warrant the money as he is not for this life for much longer. I said I would pay but he says it is a waste of money as he won’t live much longer. He admits himself that a home or sheltered living isn’t what he wants to do but at least he will have his meals got ready and take the burden off me. I have said I will help him in whatever way I can and ultimately it is his decision (I don’t want to impede his independence)

I am racked with guilt over Mum going to a care/nursing home and will feel the same if Dad goes. He doesn’t want to mix with any of his friends and other than me he doesn’t see many other people. I am racked with Guilt over Mum and though I must allow Dad his decisions in life I will live with double guilty if he does decide to sell up and go to a residential home. Dad has told my brother that he doesn’t want to go to a home but tells me another thing, I think sometimes it is for the sympathy factor. Dad says we should have never put Mum into a care/ nursing home and now advocating going there himself!!!
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
505
My Mum passed away in April and the first couple of months I was in organisation mode and a bit in denial, I didn’t grieve and concentrated on my father that was left. I am now all over the place, crying at the slightest thing. I kept strong and arranged everything as Dad was unable to do as he was in a daze for the first few months. I am now feeling guilty that we allowed Mum to go into a Nursing home, looking back we thought we couldn’t cope but perhaps we could have tried harder and found ways to keep her at home. Mum deteriorated so quickly after she went into a care home and then a nursing home and I feel if we had kept her at home she wouldn’t have deteriorated so fast and we would have not had to deal with not visiting restrictions in the Nursing home and the latterly the hospital. Mum's quality of life was very poor towards the end and I should have fought harder to keep her at home. My dad is not coping well now and has said he might have to consider a home, even though he is active, still drives mobile, he is just so lonely, I don’t think that is right for him and I am there every day without fail and clean, cook and he comes to ours for some dinners. He thinks he is a burden, but he isn’t, he feels he is impacting on my life and that of my family. I have tried to set up broadband and a smart TV so he can access different online options for films and sport but he said it doesn’t warrant the money as he is not for this life for much longer. I said I would pay but he says it is a waste of money as he won’t live much longer. He admits himself that a home or sheltered living isn’t what he wants to do but at least he will have his meals got ready and take the burden off me. I have said I will help him in whatever way I can and ultimately it is his decision (I don’t want to impede his independence)

I am racked with guilt over Mum going to a care/nursing home and will feel the same if Dad goes. He doesn’t want to mix with any of his friends and other than me he doesn’t see many other people. I am racked with Guilt over Mum and though I must allow Dad his decisions in life I will live with double guilty if he does decide to sell up and go to a residential home. Dad has told my brother that he doesn’t want to go to a home but tells me another thing, I think sometimes it is for the sympathy factor. Dad says we should have never put Mum into a care/ nursing home and now advocating going there himself!!!
You will find that many of those contributing to this forum will echo your own words and sentiments in respect of the transition of a loved one, parent or spouse, and the sense of guilt or having perhaps failed in some way to perpetuate the care of that loved one and continued so in their own home. The truth is usually the contrary. Dementia being progressive and unpredictable eventually requires a " best interests " in terms of care and management which can only be realised when you have a continuity of professional carers to enact that care plan, which has to be based upon the person concerned very specifically - person centred.
Naturally there is a very profound sense of failure if and when say, a mother or father simply has to move into Care. You have carried out daily care and all that entails, which can be not only challenging, but often simply so demanding both physically and mentally that you yourself become vulnerable to illness which in turn negates all the effort and care you have lovingly given and the end result can be traumatic if not heart breaking.

Retrospective thoughts very often evade the actuality of what has taken place and that sense of " if only" or " we should have" done this or that, cloud the mind and the guilt factor eats away at your heart and mind and a constant melancholy accompanies your everyday life.

Each and every case is different. But if one has done everything that it is possible to do for someone who is living with dementia and there is a crisis which cannot be resolved, then the inevitable move into Care comes about. What makes all of this so very difficult or indeed painful, is the fact that you cannot change the status quo, the disease. But you can ensure that the very best level of specialist Care is enabled and put in place when you reach that point of no return. The journey which two people take - the one living with dementia and the Carer - is one of the most difficult journeys one can take.
We, as Carers, are fallible and the journey takes many turns and twists, but still has just one destination. As long as we ensure to our utmost ability that this journey receives all the love we can offer up to it, even yes, if that means the reality of Care beyond our domain, then you should see the notion of "guilt" for what it is. Simply that.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
2,515
Essex
Dear @Little Circles,

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum. I cared for dad for two years before I could do no more and I had to put him in a home. I felt terribly guilty when I did it and for the first few days I grieved but I knew I did the right thing. You and your dad did everything you could for your mum and if you had carried one of you would have made yourselves ill.

Your mum would have been proud of you.

MaNaAk
 

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
74
Derbyshire
Dear @Little Circles,

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum. I cared for dad for two years before I could do no more and I had to put him in a home. I felt terribly guilty when I did it and for the first few days I grieved but I knew I did the right thing. You and your dad did everything you could for your mum and if you had carried one of you would have made yourselves ill.

Your mum would have been proud of you.

MaNaAk
[/QUOTE
Thank you I hope Mum is proud and at Peace from this horrible disease
 

Little Circles

Registered User
Mar 30, 2017
74
Derbyshire
You will find that many of those contributing to this forum will echo your own words and sentiments in respect of the transition of a loved one, parent or spouse, and the sense of guilt or having perhaps failed in some way to perpetuate the care of that loved one and continued so in their own home. The truth is usually the contrary. Dementia being progressive and unpredictable eventually requires a " best interests " in terms of care and management which can only be realised when you have a continuity of professional carers to enact that care plan, which has to be based upon the person concerned very specifically - person centred.
Naturally there is a very profound sense of failure if and when say, a mother or father simply has to move into Care. You have carried out daily care and all that entails, which can be not only challenging, but often simply so demanding both physically and mentally that you yourself become vulnerable to illness which in turn negates all the effort and care you have lovingly given and the end result can be traumatic if not heart breaking.

Retrospective thoughts very often evade the actuality of what has taken place and that sense of " if only" or " we should have" done this or that, cloud the mind and the guilt factor eats away at your heart and mind and a constant melancholy accompanies your everyday life.

Each and every case is different. But if one has done everything that it is possible to do for someone who is living with dementia and there is a crisis which cannot be resolved, then the inevitable move into Care comes about. What makes all of this so very difficult or indeed painful, is the fact that you cannot change the status quo, the disease. But you can ensure that the very best level of specialist Care is enabled and put in place when you reach that point of no return. The journey which two people take - the one living with dementia and the Carer - is one of the most difficult journeys one can take.
We, as Carers, are fallible and the journey takes many turns and twists, but still has just one destination. As long as we ensure to our utmost ability that this journey receives all the love we can offer up to it, even yes, if that means the reality of Care beyond our domain, then you should see the notion of "guilt" for what it is. Simply that.
Thank you 😊