Guilty About Putting Mother In A Home

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by trishkid, May 29, 2005.

  1. trishkid

    trishkid Registered User

    May 9, 2005
    2
    ireland
    hello my mother is in the middle/late stages of dementia shes in hospital at the moment and the doctors are telling us the family that she needs 24 hours care. My father has cancer and is at the family home and would not be able to care for her. We are finding it very hard to come to terms with putting her in a home but dont know what else to do we would not be able as a family to give her 24hour care.

    tp
    :confused:
     
  2. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Trish, what a heart rending situation you and your family find yourself in. If your Dad is ill with cancer, he certainly can't cope with the needs of a dementia sufferer. He will find this so dreadfully hard, because he loves her so. If you can't arrange 24/7 at home, then a special home for those with dementia is the only answer I'm afraid. I know it sounds awful putting your Mum in a home, but they are not all bad you know. A friend and I have recently had to find a home for her parents, we looked at several, and the one we chose is really nice. Just shop around a bit and find one you are happy with. Then, when you go to see your Mum, take your Dad as often as he feels able. Enjoy little treats with her, take her out, do all the things she enjoys. Also give them a bit of time alone together, but not too long or he will want to take her home with him and that would be too hard for him to cope with. Make the time you spend with her quality time, it will not be easy, but your hands are tied by circumstances beyond your control. It will take time for your Mum to settle, so be prepared for a possibly bumpy ride at first. My friend's parents have settled in remarkably well, she is very relieved I can tell you. If you find a good home, your Mum will be fine. Thinking of you, love She. XX
     
  3. trishkid

    trishkid Registered User

    May 9, 2005
    2
    ireland
    THANKS

    We are looking at homes but are finding it hard to agree and accept that this is going to happen hopefully she will settle in a home but at the moment all she wants to do is go home.

    tp
    :(
     
  4. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Trish, yes of course she does, we all would if we were frightened and confused wouldn't we. Trouble is, the confusion is going to become worse, as are the other problems dementia brings. Your Dad, even if he was in exceptionally good health, would find this difficult, as it is, a home is the only route to follow. Your Mum will need a lot of support, so will your Dad. I expect they both feel that their lives are spinning out of control and that their love for each other is not being taken into account. Understandable really when you think about it. Sadly, the problems they both have with health issues mean that certain decisions are inevitable. If your Dad had your Mum home, it would, (sorry to sound harsh here) only be a question of time before his own health issues prevented his caring adequately for both of them. He would be in hospital and she forced into a home at short notice. This would be a disaster. It is surely better to do the soul searching and find a good home before reaching that kind of situation isn't it? Your Dad must feel so very sad, he can't help being ill, your Mum can't help having dementia. As a family all you can do is the best you can in the circumstances. I really feel for you. Give them both lots of hugs and reassurance and support, sending you a big hug too, love She. XX
     
  5. Katy44

    Katy44 Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    134
    Hi Trish,
    My Grandma has just gone into a home, keep looking, my parents managed to find two within walking distance of my Grandad that were both very nice.
    Saying that, she is finding it very hard to settle and is very resentful of being in there, however if she was at home the worry about both of them (her wandering the streets, him trying to find her) would be unbearable. Sometimes it's the only option.
    Good luck and I hope you come to a decision soon
     
  6. snuffyuk

    snuffyuk Registered User

    Jul 8, 2004
    188
    Near Bristol
    My dear mum was in a home that specialised with that problem. Having said that it was nursing home that also had terminally ill residents.
    There was at least one husband and wife who were living in the home together.
    My local authority had a brochure of all the homes in the area that had a contract with the authority. It also showed the homes and their epertise.
    Worth asking about.
    Snuffy
     
  7. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,108
    Toronto, Canada
    Choosing a home

    Trish, it is very, very difficult to choose a home. But at least you are able to look around a bit. Pop in at different times. Also, find out how long various members of staff have been there. I find it's better for all when the staff is a settled, long-term group. Turnover in staff is very difficult for those with AD.

    For me, the staff is 95% of what is important in a home. Lovely decor & gardens are all very nice but that's more for the visitors, in my view. What's most important are caring, thoughtful staff who communicate with the family.

    You will feel guilty but no matter what happens, that guilt will come sneaking in. I don't know what to say about that, except that of course the guilt is not merited. I still have moments when I feel I've not done everything I should have, that I've been a bad daughter. The rational part of my brain says I've done the best I could but oh boy!! that other part of my brain!! It does get easier with time.

    Good luck to you and your family. You will come through this.

    Joanne
     
  8. Catwoman

    Catwoman Registered User

    Jun 13, 2005
    2
    Choosing a care home

    I am one of those people who believed that I should have looked after mum with her illness like she looked after me when I was a baby. The problem with the dreaded AD is that as much as you try there is just no way that you can support someone 24/7. I gave up on my mum in April 2004 after trying my best since my fathers death in September 2002 to look after her. I was then forced to sell her home (My home) you know the place that I was brought up. The whole thing was absolutely dreadful. I just wanted to point out though how compleately happy mum seems. She has never asked for home. She said once how nice it is to be home! as if the care home had always been home! I found all this very strange especially as I took her to a home in South Africa where my brother lives. It was heartbreaking to make the decision to do this but the care she recieves is second to none and she thought that she was on holiday in a posh hotel at first. Unfortunately we do not know what she is thinking anymore but it is great to see video clips and photo's of a totally tanned and happy mum!
     
  9. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Cat, so glad things have worked out well for your Mum, love She. XX
     
  10. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,108
    Toronto, Canada
    Catwoman, my heart goes out to you. I understand how you felt about taking care of your mother. I thought the same but yes, AD changes everything. And selling the home you were brought up in is always hard, because I think somewhere in the back of our heads, no matter how old we are or where we've lived, it's always "home" in a deep profound way that no other place is. My eyes are fillking up as I think of it.

    I'm so glad that your mother thinks she's home now. At least you're spared her wanting to "go home" all the time. The main thing is that she is happy, this is so much better for all.

    Joanne
     

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