Guilty about moving father to residential care :(

[JohnF]

Hi everyone will try shorten this down as much as possible,

My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about a year and a half ago it all started with some memory loss. He continued to live on his own and the problems started when he wandered off a couple of times and got lost and confused then Social work became involved and the next step was them recommending a care home for his own safety. I knew this would have to happen eventually but now that he is there I just feel totally consumed with guilt as my father is still very active and has no other health problems apart from that as he is still young being 68 as the doctor said, he has always been an independent person but it's getting him down that he can't just go out whenever he wants and I don't think he fully understands that he has the condition and why he is in the home. My question is would I be able to take him out and become his full time carer as this is the only option I can see. And also he has bought his property so he would have to sell it and he would only be allowed to keep £16,500 my head is just totally fried as I have too much going on in my head at the same time and don't know where to start with it all

 

[jugglingmum]

Hello and welcome to TP. Just seen you've had no reply to this.

I can't help with most of your questions - I do know that you are counted as 'self funding' until your assets (including your house if no one else lives there) fall below I think £23,500 (but it may be different in Scotland).

There are lots of threads on here about people wandering, and from what I can tell wandering and getting lost is often a stage which triggers the need for a care home. It is very hard for one individual to keep someone safe once they want to wander.

Hopefully others will be along shortly.

 

[marionq]

John I really sympathise. Wandering seems to be the trigger for recommending a care home as that is what happened this week when a social worker came out to see us. My husband has gone missing a number of times getting further away and for longer spells each time. It is definitely not safe and my way discussed on another thread was to hang a mobile phone round his neck which he would usually answer and I would guide him back.

Eventually he went missing for ten hours without the phone and that was very scary. He now wears a tracker too.

The SW told me to start looking for a care home which shocked me as well as a few other things she said but I am the novice here and she has seen it all before.

Your Dad will get worse and in the meantime perhaps you could arrange with friends and family to take him out walking on a daily basis leaving the care home to keep him safe at night?

 

[Beate]

Of course you can take him out and become his full-time carer - if he is self-funding social services aren't usually that interested anyway. But you have to be totally clear what you are taking on and what to do about the wandering. Also, no person can care for another 24/7 without a break or outside help. You'd have to look into day care, sitting service or carers four times a day helping with tasks. Think long and hard before you commit to this. People get settled in care homes and if they are still young enough, can make friends there. It's not always the worst option.

 

[canary]

Mum is the same. Before she got dementia she used to go out for a walk every day and hated being "stuck indoors". Unfortunately, once she developed dementia she started getting lost. I didnt worry too much at that stage as she lived in a village and was well known in the area and there was always someone around who could direct her home. Then she started going further afield and then started going out at night in the (literally) freezing cold with nothing on other than a cotton nighty.
This was the final straw. The only way to look after her at home would have been to lock the door - and she would hate that too, it would be no different to being in a care home.
I must say though, that the difference between her being in a CH and living with me (even if I could do it) is that in the CH there are lots of staff who are around all day and night to re-assure, help and distract her. She gets annoyed that she is not allowed out on her own, but on the whole she is content and settled. I think that if she were at home with me all the time it would become a huge battleground.

 

[JohnF]

Thanks everyone for your imput he has been in the CH for almost a week now he does seem pretty settled but had a couple of bad days not talking much and looking really down, does anyone experience their loved one talking to 'people' that aren't there? For some time now he gets quite agitated and thinks that people are stealing things and he talks to these people as If they are there saying stuff like 'my TV remote better still be There when I get back' and he worries about us quite a lot thinking that something bad is happening to me or my sister when we are not with him and gets really worked up about it is this just a normal part of the condition or should I take him to his GP?

 

[canary]

Its good that hes settling in so quickly, it often takes several weeks at least so I wouldnt worry about a couple of bad days.
The things you describe all sound pretty normal for dementia, but if there is a sudden downturn then it might be due to an infection (usually UTI), so have a word with the care home and they will organise a check.

 

[JohnF]

John I really sympathise. Wandering seems to be the trigger for recommending a care home as that is what happened this week when a social worker came out to see us. My husband has gone missing a number of times getting further away and for longer spells each time. It is definitely not safe and my way discussed on another thread was to hang a mobile phone round his neck which he would usually answer and I would guide him back.

Eventually he went missing for ten hours without the phone and that was very scary. He now wears a tracker too.

The SW told me to start looking for a care home which shocked me as well as a few other things she said but I am the novice here and she has seen it all before.

Your Dad will get worse and in the meantime perhaps you could arrange with friends and family to take him out walking on a daily basis leaving the care home to keep him safe at night?

Thanks marionq me and my sister have been going up everyday to get him out for a couple hours I knew that it would have to come to this eventually but I think its me that's holding myself back and not fully accepting the situation and not dealing with it properly


Thanks