1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Laylabud

    Laylabud Registered User

    Sep 7, 2007
    111
    Kent
    Do you ever come to terms with the guilt?
    My mum has AD and is in an assement ward and has been since last june, but is currently waiting to go into an EMI nursing home.
    It was pressure from me to get her into hospital as she became aggressive towards me etc, after 5 weeks of her being in hospital she came back home (as she lived with me)and after 4 days on being home she became agressive again and to cut a long story short ended back in hospital and has got worse ever since. She no longer really speaks apart from the odd yes and no and wanders around all the time whilst visiting her, i always promised her that i would never put her in a home but sadly the time has come when she will have to because i know that i could not look after her at home and would have to give up my job to do so (which i cannot at the moment as my husband has just been made redundant), which would make me a prisoner in my home, am i being selfish? and how do i come to terms with the guilt that i feel.
    I love my Mum so much and would do anything for her but i just cannot do this. When she turned on me i have never witness such hatred from her towards me and i know it was not her fault but the illness but that memory of how she was is still very raw and brings tears to my eyes everytime i think about those days.
    I just want what is best for her and i will be there for her as much as i can be. I visit her every other night of the week after work and do not normally get home until 9pm when i do go and see her.

    Laylabud
     
  2. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    155
    Hove
    Laylabud

    It's not your Mum who was so aggressive, it was the illness, although I know how you feel. My mum's aggression towards me is sometimes hard to take.

    Try not to feel guilty (impossible, I know) - you have done the best thing. How on earth could you have coped in your previous situation, it would have been impossible. She is being looked after in the best place.

    I hope you are looking after yourself. Logging on here is the right thing to do! I expect you will get many more replies in the same vane.

    Susan
     
  3. BeverleyY

    BeverleyY Registered User

    Jan 29, 2008
    716
    Ashford, Kent
    Laylabud

    I really feel for you.

    My Dad lives with us. Him and Mum have done for the past 5 years although sadly we lost my Mum 3 weeks ago.

    I am loathe to ever put Dad in a home, but accept that at some point I will have to if he ever reaches the end stages of this illness. I would say he is still moderate at the moment. Virtually no short term memory. Last 5-10 years a haze. Prior to that, still intact.

    Whilst I will battle for as long as I can, I know I have a threshold. I have said that if Dad became a danger to himself/my children/me, then I would have to accept that the illness had defeated my capabilities.

    My mum was poorly the last few weeks of her life, and we did sit and have a conversation 5 days before she died and I said to her, that if anything happened to her, I would battle on but asked that if she was ever looking down on me, she would not hate me for coming to the decision that I could no longer cope. She agreed that point may come, and gave me her full blessing and approval which makes me feel that when I need to, she would not be bitter that I could take no more.

    My Dad frequently tells me I shouldn't burden myself with him, and that I should focus on my children and husband, so I know he would not resent me either.

    Even with their blessings, would I feel guilty?? Yes, of course I would, but there comes a point where it's best for them that they receive care over and above what their loved ones are capable of.

    I really wish you all the best with your decision. It won't be easy, but it just may be necessary. Sadly, us humans are no match for this illness:(

    Beverley
     
  4. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Hello Laylabud,

    Beverley has echoed what I would say!

    Guilt is one of the nasties we all struggle with..but put it into perspective..your mum needs specialist care..
    You have a family and a job to consider..
    You can't do it all!!!
    So why feel guilty?..You'll still see your mum.If she had to be in hospital for..any "physical" reason..you'd accept that I'm sure..so what's the difference?
    See her when you can but accept that she is ill..it's nobody's fault..
    Love Gigi x
     
  5. steve54

    steve54 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2007
    41
    Leicester/Nottingham
    Laylabud, I know what you mean about guilt. I'm going through it now as my Mum's been admitted to a psychiatric ward today. I'm already feeling guilty that I'm afraid to go to see her. I will of course but I dread it. I understand what Gigi says about if she were on a surgical ward we wouldn't feel guilty about visiting. This is exactly how my Mum's sister sees it, but she is a retired nurse so has first hand knowledge of it. But the guilt won't go away. How often do you visit? How do you toughen yourself to be there for your Mum when you can see how much she is suffering? Often I get strength from reading other people's experiences on TP. There are so many people going through this and yet it's hardly ever talked about. I think that's because it's so frightening for us all. You have to think of your Mother as she was before the illness and that what you see now isn't really her.
     

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