Guilt

[Niloc]

Mum who is 87 and in nursing home with Alz has been diagnosed last week with DVT in the upper thigh . She is back in the nursing home with daily injections. Whilst with her in the hospital they want to investigate further by way way of a CT scan next week to find out if she also has cancer.

Mum was diagnosed 10 years ago with Alzheimer's and was admitted to care home 16 months ago after I had packed up work to support my Dad looking after at home for a further 2 years. Like us all we got to breaking point as there is only me and my husband I have no other siblings .my Dad is now 84 in poor health and is distraught with the thought of loosing his wife of62 years.

I am in the home with my Dad every day for 7 hrs as Mum is not eating (she is on ensure and forticreme with milk added
and if I wasn't there to encourage her to drink , her life would be over. She sleeps so much is also suffering with Osteoporosis arthritis so has strong pain relief already and spends the mornings asleep in the armchair and then to give her back relief is put to bed late afternoon.

To be honest I am keeping her going with the support of staff because my Dad is so lost already with her condition. He just says "at least I have her" which in the real sense he hasn't.

Mum and I have always had a really close bond and I just hate seeing her like this and the thought that she may now have cancer is just too much to take.

I feel awful because I really want this to end not only for her but for me too. This thought is killing me because I know my thoughts are very naughty as this will create more grief for my Dad. But seeing my Mum slipping away every day and maybe with the added complication of cancer I can't bear this any more.

I have spoken to her Dr as whilst the CT scan is going to be traumatic as Mum will need sedating she wants to try and get it done, as if it is cancer her treatment for the DVT will be different from if they find out it's not cancer. We have agreed with the Dr that if it is cancer then Chemo or Rad would actually kill her as she is already very week.
She is immobile, confused and in pain.

Please forgive me, but I pray each night for her to be spared this latest trauma and let her go in her sleep but then I awake it's another day and I feel so guilty before even seeing her.

 

[LadyA]

Niloc, you aren't the first to wish for peace and release for someone you love. Your thoughts are not naughty at all - and you certainly don't need anyone's forgiveness for them. You are wanting your beloved mum to be released from pain and suffering - what's to feel guilty about that? I know your dad will be lost without her, at the final separation. But it has to come, sooner or later. He can't be enjoying watching her suffer either, at the moment. I suspect he is caught up in his memories of their life together before she became ill.

Your dad may surprise you when the time comes. Someone his age has already lived through a lot, and I have found most elderly people have a lot more resiliance than we give them credit for. Yes, he will be grief-stricken, of course he will. But I'm sure he will see too, that his beloved wife will be out of the pain and suffering she is in now. Wishing you well in the coming days. xx

 

[Chemmy]

Please do not feel guilty. My thoughts would be exactly the same as yours.

When the carers found a lump in Mum's armpit, there was talk of it being investigated. I immediately put the brakes on and insisted on talking first to her GP. I asked - if it is cancer, what would you propose to do? He said he would recommend not treating it - she'd already had a mastectomy and I knew that her Alzheimer's meant treatment for cancer would be too much for her to cope with. I agreed, and so she was spared unnecessary tests.

As it happens, the lump disappeared, so was presumably a cyst, and she lived for many more years. But I stand by my decision at the time. Sometimes the kindest thing is to do nothing.

 

[cragmaid]

Were I in your situation ( and I was last year when Mum died) I would be asking for Palliative Care. I believe that your dear Mum has had enough trauma for her lifetime and that being allowed to let go with dignity is a kindness.
Of course you Dad is upset when the love of his life is ill and not going to recover. He will be heartbroken when Mum dies ( as will you of course), but he will also accept, deep down. that it is time for her to go, to spare her more pain and indignity.

Thinking of you both...Maureen.x.x

 

[tweetypie]

I don't know if what I'm going to say will help but I hope it might

I grew up with animals and I have always loved them as much as humans, I know some people think that is wrong but to me they have such strong personalities and obviously big hearts.

I would never want an animal to suffer and if any of mine have been injured, such as through being run over - they have always been put to sleep at the vets and any animal that is suffering or in pain - if the vet thinks it's best then we have done that.

Now I know humans are a bit different but I feel the same way really - especially where the person you once knew has completely disappeared which is what Alzheimer's does.

I have wished my mum a quicker end for years but she, somehow keeps going.

She has laid in a bed for over 4 and a half years, looking like something out of a concentration camp, unable to communicate at all and I have even talked to her in the last year, as I read somewhere that it can help - but I feel so guilty for saying to her "please go mum, don't stay for me - just go, free yourself of this misery"

I have felt guilty and I think it's something you just have to accept. Who knows what is right and what is wrong with this illness when the poor person suffering from it can't tell you anymore.

Finally mum's suffering came to an end last Sunday and when the nursing home rang me I was shocked to learn she'd gone - as I didn't know she was about to but the second thought was thank goodness it's over for her and for me.

So don't feel guilty - you are in a club with many of us

I hope your end to all of this comes soon

 

[Shedrech]

Hello Niloc
you've received such thoughtful responses
so just wanted to wish peace for your mum, your dad and you


and tweetypie
you stood by your mum for so long - my condolences on her passing
your post is so filled with care - I hope there's comfort for you from knowing your mum's suffering is through - peace to you too

 

[Babymare01]

Hello Niloc - so many of us pray for that peaceful end for our loved ones. I have, most of times, come to terms with my feelings that I just want my mum to close her eyes but I still have a wobble and simply sit and sob.
Its a measure of your love and care for your mum that you want her suffering to end. And yes also your suffering watching your mother and there is no need to feel guilty for that. We all suffer watching our loved ones taken so slowly from us with this vile illness and yes we want it to end.

Sending you a hug to let you know you are not alone in your feelings and what is happening x

 

[Niloc]

Thank you all so much for your treasured responses. I have returned home now after seeing Mum today and they have meant so much after seeing Mum so weak and tired again today.

Whilst I know we are not the only ones going through this, sometimes it feels the world is spinning and I can't catch up. Hearing all your kind words puts the world right again to have reassurance from people who know and who unfortunately are in the same place as me.

I thank you with all my heart and pray to that your kindness will also be rewarded.

Thanks

Hello Niloc - so many of us pray for that peaceful end for our loved ones. I have, most of times, come to terms with my feelings that I just want my mum to close her eyes but I still have a wobble and simply sit and sob.
Its a measure of your love and care for your mum that you want her suffering to end. And yes also your suffering watching your mother and there is no need to feel guilty for that. We all suffer watching our loved ones taken so slowly from us with this vile illness and yes we want it to end.

Sending you a hug to let you know you are not alone in your feelings and what is happening x