Guilt

[Toots]

Hi....I am a new member, looking to find others who can advise me on how to deal with my mum who has dementia. I feel overcome with guilt at my lack of patience when with her as I grit my teeth and repeatedly answer the same questions she has asked me a dozen times.
With the new year looming, I wonder how much longer we can keep her in her own home and how we go about finding a care home for her if that is what lies ahead. Am I wicked for wishing that the good Lord would call her home before she has to suffer any more indignities?

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Toots, welcome to TP.

You are not wicked neither are you any other negative label you care to pin on yourself.

Does your mother get any support in the home from Social Services? Does she attend day Care? Does she have regular contact with her GP or consultant?

You really need to discuss your mother`s condition with her GP or consultant. You need to be able to ask the questions and receive some of the answers to help you to decide how to move on.

Write down your concerns and make an appointment as soon as you can. Try to make an appointment without your mother at first, so you can talk openly about your worries. It will probably be then suggested you accompany your mother to her doctors.

Take care and let us know how things go.

Love xx

 

[Kate P]

Hi Toots and welcome to TP.

Do not feel guilty for your lack of patience which is probably not as bad as you think - guilt is a terrible thing and it magnifies your own feelings.

I personally found a great breathing technique that doesn't control my impatience or frustration but holds it off for a bit longer than usual. After a repeated question or such like I count to five very slowly while breathing in and then to five again while breathing out - I keep doing this - the idea is it stops you focusing on anything else - especially bracing yourself for the next round of questions!

Sylvia has given you some excellent advice which I will not presume to add to.

I know how you feel about sometimes wishing the good Lord would call your mother home - I have days when I feel exactly the same - it's a hard thing to admit to as I don't think people who have never experienced dementia can appreciate quite how horrendous this disease is - however here at TP you are among people who understand and that's a great thing.

 

[TinaT]

It is one of the many trying things to be constantly asked the same questions. I also grit my teeth as I answer the same questions over and over and I become very exasperated.

It must be much worse to live in a world where you have to ask the same questions repeatedly because your brain has stopped retaining information and you cannot know what you said or did five minutes before. How frightening and confusing!

xxTinaT

 

[Natashalou]

Basically after months of dealing with this I now just dont answer her any more. Seems mean I know but basically she wont retain the answer for even two minutes, so there is no point at all keep explaining the same thing over and over.
When she came on Christmas day she must have asked at least 50 times if son had girlfriend. (There are two sons although Im not sure if she knows this any more) but thats still 25 times per son in about 5 hours.
That of course wasnt that difficult as could be a simple "not at the moment" ...but it made no difference if we answered her with
"would you like a cup of tea".
Regarding wanting her to die..yep, wonder each and every day if this is the last day we might all have to suffer this..especially me as Im waiting to move to Dubai. Then of course I DO feel guilty over how much of this feeling is to stop her suffering and how much is my own selfishness.
But, as I used to say to her before she got this bad and used to say she wanted to die..we just dont die to order!!

 

[Toots]

Thanks

Thanks for all replies...it's nice to hear from people who understand. I'll try not to be so negative.

 

[CHESS]

I have to say that I could never NOT answer any of my Mum's questions, no matter how many times they were asked. I would feel that, eventually, she may stop asking them, thus diminishing her ability to communicate even further. Having said that, we know that we all have to do what we feel is right for us, and we all have to adopt coping strategies that work for us. We are all different.

Best wishes.

Chess

 

[janetruth]

Hello Toots.

Answering a quesrion, that has been asked, as if for the first time, over and over and over can be sooooooooooo hard ro deal with. I found that leaving the room and changing the subject when I returned, worked------------ sometimes.

It is more confusing for us, as we have to try and understand what is happening to our loved ones.

Since my Mum has been in this stage of AZ, I say silent prayers for the good Lord to be kind.

There are many members out there who will give you support,advise,words of comfort or a listening ear.

Take Care
Janetruth x

 

[Margarita]

When she came on Christmas day she must have asked at least 50 times if son had girlfriend

My mother just the same with my 27 year old son , every time his around its where your girlfriend ? his use to her asking him many times , ever time he pop back into the room she in. its where the Girlfriend ? that it just does not seem to bother him . he got more patience then me , but then his not with her 24/7

Even if he had an argument with girlfriend he just say to her she out shopping

I am sure mum does not recognize her , even when she does come around . my daughters don't believe me . they don't think she that bad .

she even call my son Boy , Boy come hear where the Girlfriend ? I said to my son she forgetting your name . he says no she not , she use to call me that when younger .

I also am finding my mother talking to me less , less .

that when I talk to her she just not taking anything in .

Lucky for me in the early days when she really was not that bad in not retaining information , but still had to repeat it to her over , over I use to lose my patience , my daughters or son would take over for me , and I would sit in my bedroom .


I use to really believe she doing it on purpose , I never new about AZ it was all new to me back then .