1. Our next Q&A session is on the topic of Christmas and dementia.This time we want our Q&A to involve our resident experts, you! Share tips and advice on navigating Christmas here in this thread.

    Pop by and post your questions or if you prefer you can email your question to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.
  1. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    I have been caring for my mum who has dementia for the last few years and she has unfortunately now been taken into permanent residential care. She had been visiting the care home over the last year, first of all daily then a couple of days and recently nearly everyday. She did not want to go initially but looked forward to going after a while. It reached the stage where she did not want to be alone, ever and would even follow me into the toilet. A decision was made and she was taken into permanent care. She is apparently very happy, social worker commented how content she was, staff at the home say she is happy and joins in everything but whenever I go to see her she seems miserable and sad and wont talk to me. I feel bad enough anyway but it seems that she wants to make me feel worse every time I go. She is not like it with my sister but then I was her main carer. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can deal with this?
     
  2. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    2,108
    hertfordshire
    Hi, are you able to visit with your Sister?, sometimes it is easier if you can go with someone else. Other than that, its just a case of changing the subject when she is complaining or sad, you could also shorten your visit or take treats that she likes in with you to give her when she becomes sad or angry, I take in little cakes and as soon as Mum starts being agitated I get her treat out, she usually brightens up, make your exit then if necessary. Hopefully it will become easier, I also find that no two visits are the same. Xx

    Ange
     
  3. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    Hi thanks for your reply. This is all very new to me. I did take my sister but she was the same and I look her treats yesterday and she didnt want them. In fact everyone else had a sweetie but she wouldnt have one. She doesn't complain but just doesnt seem to want me there. She says you'd better go now when I have just arrived. I even took my dog as she loves her but she said you'd better go. I just dont seem to fit into those surroundings. Hopefully it will get easier!
     
  4. MeganCat

    MeganCat Registered User

    Jan 29, 2013
    356
    South Wales
    How often are you visiting? Is it worth going less frequently if you are going often to see if that helps, or shorter visits? Don't feel guilty - if the care home reports are that she seems happy when there that's the main thing. Ultimately you can't give her what she wants, to be with you 24/7, and she wouldn't be getting the stimulation she needs from activities etc - plus you'd be exhausted.
     
  5. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    Hi I'm only going a couple of times a week and it is usually to take something in so I don't stay very long as she doesn't seem to want me there. I may leave it for a while now but she wouldn't remember anyway! Yes the main thing is that she is safe and content. It's just that I gave up so much to look after her and I guess it will take time to adjust to not being needed anymore ...
     
  6. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    Reading a lot of the posts on here makes me realise that putting mum into permanent care was so the best thing to do before I ended up having a nervous breakdown. My mum's illness was just beginning to get so bad that we really couldn't cope any more and we had no help from anyone. I was resisting the care home path and was about to move her in with me. Thank god I came to my senses. She is in the best place for her and is no longer disrupting my life completely. The fact that she doesn't speak to me when I visit her is irrelevant in the grand scale of things.
     
  7. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    526
    British Isles
    Daisydi - admire your last post, you have very sensibly wacked that "Guilt" heading. You have done a great job as you have found your Mum a place where she is happy, and you managed a gentle transition over a period of time which I am sure must have helped her to cope with the move.

    It's sad that you aren't at present having the lovely visits you might have hoped for but I am sure that your Mum will move on from this phase. Well done, she is lucky to have such a loving and caring daughter. For the time being just enjoy knowing that you can relax as she is safe and happy, so you can have lots of GUILT-FREE "me" time.
     
  8. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    331
    Ontario canada
    Daisy, when I would visit mom six months ago, she did the same thing...but she slowly got over it...it might have been a change in medication, I'm not sure. She is fine now and seems to enjoy my visits. I'm not sure that she remembers who I am, but calls me "honey" now which is not a word she ever used for me....so I'm happy about that.
    I only see her every second week unfortunately as I am a few hours away and dad is there at the CH every day.
    Carole
     
  9. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    Thank you
     
  10. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    Carole I am hoping that one day she will enjoy my visits ...
     
  11. RedLou

    RedLou Registered User

    Jul 30, 2014
    1,162
    Well done, Daisy. Shuffling off guilt requires real character. I hope this phase will pass but I am sure your mother, when in her right mind, would never have wanted you to be unhappy, even for a moment.
     
  12. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    Yes you are right and the person in that home is not my mother who was a strong, independent and intelligent woman. Such a wicked wicked illness!
     
  13. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    Just to say that I only discovered this site a couple of days ago and I have found it to be extremely helpful, mostly knowing that I am not alone and I am not going through something that somebody else has not already been through and dealt with. It definitely feels good to talk and share those deep feelings. I now feel that we are all in this together and we will manage somehow. I wish I had seen this a couple of years ago as it may have stopped me turning into a monster trying to deal with the unknown!
     
  14. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    255
    Norfolk
    Popped in to see mum today and she seemed to be a bit brighter. She spoke to me and ate some of the chocolates I gave her. She's been in the care home about a month now and she does seem content. At least she's not wandering up and down the street looking for me and now there is somebody else to deal with the incontinence issues. Even though it was a hard decision it was the right one.
     

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