1. T1993r

    T1993r Registered User

    Nov 11, 2017
    25
    Female
    Kings lynn
    I feel quite lucky reading the threads on here, as I don't have it as bad as so many on here. It makes me more aware of what is to come, and hopefully a little bit prepared.

    My Dad has only mild dementia at the moment, but the constant repeating of stories, the tapping his side table EVERY 5 MINUTES. hovering over me when I am trying to do anything in the house, saying the same thing to the TV over and over again. Forgetting conversations five minutes later, telling him about upcoming events everyday for a week before hand and then getting evil looks when he forgets I always wonder how much is the dementia and how much is just old age.

    I then feel guilty for feeling annoyed as I know he can't help it. I just wish that I could get couple of hours alone in the house without flinching everytime I hear a noise and thinking he is awake or back from his walks.
    Between working full time and house work and caring for him when I do have some free time I am just too drained to want to do anything and end up just flaking in front of the TV or browsing the internet.

    I do get days out with friends and family, but he makes me feel guilty for going out, but when I try to go out with him or get him to go out, he has had enough within a couple of hours and wants to go home. He is forever clock watching so I end up not enjoying time out as I am just waiting for him to say he wants to go home.

    I am worried that as annoyed and irritated as I get now, will I be able to cope as he gets worse?
    He has already said he doesn't want me caring for him when it gets too bad, but how bad to I let it get before we start looking at homes?
    Should I do it while he still has some faculties left, or until I am unable to cope and at the end of my tether?
    How can you tell which is best, and which you are doing for yourself or for him?

    Well thats my rant over, It feels good just saying these things out loud. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. try again

    try again Registered User

    Jun 21, 2018
    270
    It's difficult isn't it. I'm not the most patient of people (understatement) and try as I might always end up frustrated with my mum. Is it an age thing that people want their independence (even if it denies other people theirs)? My mum is over the top Catholic. Morning prayers, mass on ewtn at lunch. Followed by afternoon devotions and evening prayers. There is a sister run home in her old stomping ground next to the church her beloved dad is buried in. I don't think she'll ever consider it even though it has its own chapel. She sees no one apart from my visits. She is however quite adamant she wishes to stay at home. So I'm obliged to do the stuff I have to do.
    I have said to her recently my choice on my own future is to live in appropriate surroundings depending on my needs , though having no children I will have to be the one caring for myself..
    I've not much experience in these things but day centres may be a starting point if he is a social animal. Care assessment?
    I'm trying to get a poa for finances signed and I don't want a health one as I do not want to be responsible for making those sorts of decisions about her future.
    I am happy to help support her and remain a daughter than be her lead carer.
    I feel very selfish for feeling like this. But you read on here that sometimes care homes suite pwd better as they have more care and stimulation than can be provided at home.
    Other considerations are of course financial, not everyone is in a position to be able to go into a home early.
    Sorry I am rambling and not making much sense, as you can see the whole thing is perplexing to me!
     
  3. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,456
    Time on my own, that’s what I want. I am continually here, there and everywhere but never where I want to be and that place is on my own, just me somewhere in a room with a view or walking to somewhere else where I can be on my own and shut the door behind me.

    I want to be away from family and friends just for a while and not have to talk to anyone or be nice to everyone. Just me and my thoughts alone in a nice setting. A bit of peace really. I would come back in a few days and I might feel happier. Is this what you mean @T1993r because that is how I feel and I don't feel guilty about it.

    I so understand the tapping thing, with my dad it is hand scratching and it drives me nuts.

    I just want you to know that it is normal to feel like this. Sending you a big hug. X
     
  4. father ted

    father ted Registered User

    Aug 16, 2010
    683
    London
    Entirely normal!

    Have you moved in with your Dad or are you still living in the family home?

    You say you work full time so what happens to Dad when you are at work? I presume he is safe to be left or maybe Carers pop in? Would Dad go to a day centre maybe just to alleviate the pressure on you and give him some stimulation?

    Don't feel guilty about having time out with friends that is your recharging time. We are all entitled to have a life but as a carer not always easy to achieve.
    There is nothing to stop you looking at homes now and just make a short list of those that you like and feel could meet your Dads needs. This is what I did when my Mum came to live with me but I didn't use the info till much later.
    When you live in close proximity some habits can be very irritating and start to 'grate' on you. As you know the condition is all on a downward trajectory so I am sure you will become overtime even more exasperated and irritated but it is amazing the extent to which you do cope as the illness takes hold. Many people go far beyond what they thought they could deal with. Finances are a big consideration too and most people are reluctant to pay the expensive care home fees whilst they can still manage and leave it as the last resort.
    Only you know what you can manage to endure and when you can no longer endure it, whenever that may be, there is no shame in finding a good care home so that you are relieved of the day to day responsibilities before you feel trapped and resentful. Best wishes. X
     
  5. Starbright

    Starbright Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    388
    Female
    Duggies-girl...Oh I know that feeling just solitude in a quiet place somewhere to just be ... A x
     
  6. Rob_E

    Rob_E Registered User

    Feb 1, 2015
    157
    Male
    Liverpool
    Sometimes it's the small, seemingly trivial incidents that can do it. We had a day where mum kept removing the fly screen from the back door resulting in flies in the kitchen (they are attracted to the food for the cats). Next I find her hanging out washing that I had just brought in having been out for 6 hours in the heat wave, insisting that it was still wet and that she didn't need me to tell her about washing, I just had to leave her to it in the end. I now always put dry washing were she can't find it!
     
  7. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    1,456
    Yes @Rob_E the small trivial incidents like closing all the doors and windows when it is 33 degrees outside and even hotter inside and turning of the fan to save electricity. It's not good for my blood pressure.
     
  8. KathrynAnne

    KathrynAnne Registered User

    Jun 6, 2018
    272
    Female
    South Yorkshire
    Another one that gets me is when Mum touches the radiator and says it’s cold when we’re in the middle of a heatwave! If she had her way we’d have all the doors and windows shut, the heating on and the fire lit.
     
  9. T1993r

    T1993r Registered User

    Nov 11, 2017
    25
    Female
    Kings lynn
    I totally get where you are coming from, I have POA for health and finances, but I spoke to Dad when he was first diagnosed so I know what he wants. If that makes any health decisions easier I will find out when the time comes. Don't worry about the rambling, I think it is just a release valve. Once you start saying what is on your mind, its hard to stop
     
  10. T1993r

    T1993r Registered User

    Nov 11, 2017
    25
    Female
    Kings lynn
    Thank you, it is nice to know there are others out there going through the same thing. We are not alone, unless we want to be
     
  11. T1993r

    T1993r Registered User

    Nov 11, 2017
    25
    Female
    Kings lynn
    Thanks for that
    I live with my Dad, have done for a while as it was financially the best option for both of us at the time. He can still be left on his own, I pop home at lunch just to make sure he has eaten his lunch, and he goes to a day centre once a week which he says is enough for him.

    At the moment he is OK, I just think about the future and what to do when he can't be left alone. I guess I won't really know until that time comes, so I try not to stress about it yet
     
  12. T1993r

    T1993r Registered User

    Nov 11, 2017
    25
    Female
    Kings lynn
    I get that, my dad is on blood thinners, so he feels the cold. Winter is horrendous, I come in and the heating is wacked up to 28 because the heating went off so he turned it up
     

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