guilt stricken

worn out

Registered User
Jul 4, 2014
48
0
I have just moved Mum into an extra care facility(which is marvellous) as living alone in her flat was no longer viable.My brother and I were putting in hours of support and getting exhausted but it still wasnt enough to keep her properly cared for and she was lonely.We all thought she would be less lonely and safer in the home. However she is now totally disorientated and still says she is lonely every time she is left alone for a few minutes. She seems to have forgotten how to make a cup of tea or turn the telly on or do anything she could do before. Her dementia seems much worse<She keeps phoning to say she wants to go home.I now feel so bad as things seem worse.Do you think she will settle or have I done the wrong thing,
 

kkerr

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
93
0
I can understand your concerns/guilt/worry!! I have only just come from visiting my Mom who went into a care home for "respite" this past week. She has her room permanently if she needs it. But she is HATING it!! My advice (having been down this road before - into a care home for 8 weeks, took her back out - had her back at home for 5 weeks - not coping, now back into respite care) -it is VERY early days. It can take weeks before a person starts to calm down. Also - it is, unfortunately, not uncommon for people with dementia to lose skills when moved to a new environment. When I moved my Mom here from the U.S. - she had only just retired from working full time, was living independently (albeit needing more and more help from friends/neighbors with shopping, cleaning, etc -and they were voicing concerns about her - so was in now way "normal"). Once she arrived in the UK - everything changed, from that day forward she never cooked another meal for herself, never fed or walked her dog, never did her own laundry. She stopped being able to read a clock, lost interest in telly, etc. I think I underestimated how much she was coping simply by being in an environment that was so familiar to her. She had lost the ability to re-learn things and became completely dependent on me.

Long and short - your Mum may appear to deteriorate a bit in the care home in terms of skills, this is not uncommon. In terms of feeling lonely or not being settled - this will definitely take more time to accurately judge how she is going to get on. Visit her, reassure her, take her out for walks/drives if possible. Make her room/environment as familiar as possible with photos/books/trinkets etc from home - then its just a wait and see game. Last time I took my Mom out of care -it was because she had stopped eating and I was generally concerned that she was going to die -and I didn't want her to die in the home. She is now eating again normally, and we are faced with the same problems as before - giving 24/7 care and trying to work, so we are trying a different place that is more geared towards dementia needs (rather than just a general care home). Always remember why you chose this option in the first place!
 

worn out

Registered User
Jul 4, 2014
48
0
thanks for reply. I guess you are right ,it is early days.I visit as often as possible and take her out for walks etc, but she doesnt seem to like anything anymore.And ,yes, we couldnt cope anymore at home. OH dear this dementia business is awful.I hope i`m doing the best thing
 

kkerr

Registered User
Dec 28, 2011
93
0
Hey "worn out" - despite all my advice in previous post - am right back where I started! Just posted again - "survivors guilt" - feeling it bad today! Tried to get out and do something "normal" - and completely failed. Went shopping - to buy something for ME, didn't manage, but bought stuff for Mom. This is a complete nightmare right now. Not helped by the fact that the report from the care home today was pretty dismal. Mom very angry, biting people, etc. How can I enjoy myself when she is so unhappy?? Going to need therapy.
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
I have just moved Mum into an extra care facility(which is marvellous) as living alone in her flat was no longer viable.My brother and I were putting in hours of support and getting exhausted but it still wasnt enough to keep her properly cared for and she was lonely.We all thought she would be less lonely and safer in the home. However she is now totally disorientated and still says she is lonely every time she is left alone for a few minutes. She seems to have forgotten how to make a cup of tea or turn the telly on or do anything she could do before. Her dementia seems much worse<She keeps phoning to say she wants to go home.I now feel so bad as things seem worse.Do you think she will settle or have I done the wrong thing,

It is early days so give it a while to see if your Mum settles. Her skills may return as she gets less anxious but her loneliness can only be dealt with if she goes out of her apartment to seek company.

It might be good to take a look at care homes in your area. She would have company all day right next to her and her room to retreat to when she wanted some solitude or to watch her favourite TV programme. As her skills diminish there is someone to help her or to do the task. I know it's not what any of us want to hear or to look into but the right home can be the best solution.

Only time will tell and it is going to be difficult for you and your Mum, I wish to well as you go forward with your Mum, she is lucky to have two caring children.

Jay
 

Insomniac

Registered User
Apr 29, 2014
39
0
Worn out, I am in much the same situation. Moved mum into CH last week. Had to trick her into it and she thinks its temporary while we get work done at house. It's been a nightmare. She's just not settling, barely eating, demanding to go home and continually trying to 'escape'. I haven't seen or spoken to her on the advice of CH and utterly dreading doing so. This has to be permanent. I would NEVER get her back in (why respite and involvement were never an option) but I can't go back to the way things were either and I know we'd be in the same situation or worse in a few weeks. Most everyone says we've done the right thing - professionals, neighbours etc but I am riddled with doubt and guilt that I haven't. Some family members have said what we've done is cruel and suggested we are after her money! How wrong could they be - every penny will be spent on care! I had to nip into CH to sign some paperwork and found myself hiding in the office as I heard mum swearing at care staff and being generally horrible! Like you I'm not sure if she's going to settle at all but I simply don't know what else to do. This is roller-coaster of emotions and I can't see it getting any better soon. Apologies if this doesn't make you feel any better but I guess we at least know we are not alone! How do you face your parent after doing something like this? It seems such a betrayal of trust and I'm utterly hopeless at the lying thing. I turn into a 9 year old girl being told off by her mum again! Hoping we can stay strong together.


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marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
Insomniac I feel so angry on your behalf with those who criticise you for placing Mum in a care home. How involved were they in her care? If only people would stop and think how heartbreaking it all is to do what you are doing.
 

Insomniac

Registered User
Apr 29, 2014
39
0
Insomniac I feel so angry on your behalf with those who criticise you for placing Mum in a care home. How involved were they in her care? If only people would stop and think how heartbreaking it all is to do what you are doing.

They weren't involved at all of course. They speak to her on phone every day but haven't seen her for 5 plus years and ironically had been saying I needed to 'do something' as she needed more care!


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Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
Worn out, I am in much the same situation. Moved mum into CH last week. Had to trick her into it and she thinks its temporary while we get work done at house. It's been a nightmare. She's just not settling, barely eating, demanding to go home and continually trying to 'escape'. I haven't seen or spoken to her on the advice of CH and utterly dreading doing so. This has to be permanent. I would NEVER get her back in (why respite and involvement were never an option) but I can't go back to the way things were either and I know we'd be in the same situation or worse in a few weeks. Most everyone says we've done the right thing - professionals, neighbours etc but I am riddled with doubt and guilt that I haven't. Some family members have said what we've done is cruel and suggested we are after her money! How wrong could they be - every penny will be spent on care! I had to nip into CH to sign some paperwork and found myself hiding in the office as I heard mum swearing at care staff and being generally horrible! Like you I'm not sure if she's going to settle at all but I simply don't know what else to do. This is roller-coaster of emotions and I can't see it getting any better soon. Apologies if this doesn't make you feel any better but I guess we at least know we are not alone! How do you face your parent after doing something like this? It seems such a betrayal of trust and I'm utterly hopeless at the lying thing. I turn into a 9 year old girl being told off by her mum again! Hoping we can stay strong together.


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I am so sorry, insomniac, what a dreadful time for you. My mother was not as difficult as yours, but she was endlessly demanding to go home for ages, and visits were terribly stressful. She accused us all many times of just being after her money - I was fraught enough once to reply very heatedly, 'Have you any idea how much this place costs? If we were all after your money we'd have left you at home!' I did not add 'in squalor' but that's what it would have been. She forgot anything I said within a minute or two anyway, so it did not do the slightest good, but it did relieve my stress a bit.

I suggest you meet any more such remarks from family with a similar reply, if you haven't already. It is so cruel when other people who don't have a clue add to your stress like this, especially when they are family.

And I do think that in some cases 'invisibles' are very anti care homes, not because they don't think it's in the persons's best interests (although they may dress it up like that) but because they see a hoped-for inheritance melting away in CH fees. And these are so often the people who have always been 'too busy' to lift a finger to help.
I am not suggesting this is the case with your relatives, not at all, but I have heard of it so often now.
 

MrsTerryN

Registered User
Dec 17, 2012
769
0
. I turn into a 9 year old girl being told off by her mum again! Hoping we can stay strong together.
I think that is the difficult part for me.
Rationally
I have made the right decision
Safer for mum
She is fed, warm, cool etc
There is a good proportion of staff to residents
I know I have made the right financial decisions

Irrational
If mum says x it must be true because it is mum
 

Anonymous4now

Registered User
Jun 22, 2014
41
0
USA
I think that is the difficult part for me.
Rationally
I have made the right decision
Safer for mum
She is fed, warm, cool etc
There is a good proportion of staff to residents
I know I have made the right financial decisions

Irrational
If mum says x it must be true because it is mum

Hi Ms. TerryN:
I am no where near where you are in terms of all this, but you have done the right thing and the rational part of you knows it. Yes. I very much relate to that irrational part: "If mum says x it must be true because it is mum". I get that so much to the point where I am continually confused and self-blaming. We love them, we want them to be who they always were "our Mum's" and they still are, but they are now ill.

I like to think back to better times when she was hosting a part for the family and greeted us with a big smile on her face. We were quite the extended family, too, but she was our matriarch. When she got ill, the glue that held us together seemed to come apart.

You know in your heart the truth ... look there ... believe it. Take care.
 

Insomniac

Registered User
Apr 29, 2014
39
0
I think that is the difficult part for me.
Rationally
I have made the right decision
Safer for mum
She is fed, warm, cool etc
There is a good proportion of staff to residents
I know I have made the right financial decisions

Irrational
If mum says x it must be true because it is mum

You've hit the nail on the head exactly. No one else gets this at all. I was at her house trying to start the clearing out to sell - we have the 12 week disregard - so I have to crack on. BUT she's only been in CH a week and is absolutely not settling. I can't get my head round clearing her stuff. I stupidly at the back if my mind think she's going to be coming out and back home and she'd be furious at me for messing with her things. I know realistically that can't happen cos she isn't going to get better but my brain doesn't seem to compute at the moment! So now I'm not only worrying about mum, I'm worrying about the clearing and the selling. I'm fed up of feeling rubbish all the time and can't concentrate on anything outside of this dementia limbo.


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