Guilt over Care Home


Registered User
Mar 25, 2005
After my Grandad died, my Nan, who has dementia, decided she couldnt live in her own house and wanted to live with my Mum and Dad but unfortunately it all became too much as my Mum and Dad are both in full time work so they placed her into a lovely care home so she could get the care she deserved. The problem was she wasnt completely aware of where she was going. She has been in a year now and seems really settled but my Mum and Dad cant shake the guilt that they put her there. Has anyone else experienced the same situation and if so, how do you deal with it as it is tearing my Dad apart?


Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
near London
I don't think we can ever get over a certain feeling of guilt for not being able to cope ourselves, but it shouldn't get to a point where we really beat ourselves up about it continually.

What you have to do is to look at how Nan is now. If she is settled and not unhappy, then take that as a major plus. Then consider the toll that 24/7 caring imposes on a family - and the fact that a good care home can bring in lots of people to share the load, people whose only job is to do that. When we care for someone at home, we generally have other work to do and that is what causes major strain, and can often lead to less good care for a relative, however much we try not for that to happen.

I think if Mum and Dad can try to put the guilt to one side, and make each moment special they visit Nan, then that is probably as good as can be managed.

We're all human; we do what we can.......


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Dear Babsy, I still feel guilt about removing Mum from her flat. What we have to all realise is that with this disease, we have a set of criterea that govern our reactions. If a person is not safe to live alone, they need to be in a place of safety. That place is governed by our own circumstances. We have to do our best with what we have. Every family's circumstances will be a bit different, but the illness is the same, the person needs 24/7 care. It is all we can do, this must be provided, where ever and what ever way we do this is going to be different in each case. All we can do is our best and do it with love. Thinking of you, She. XX


Registered User
Dec 27, 2004
HI BABSY, beleive me the guilt is common to all of us ,even though we know it should not be ,at yhe moment i feel guilty for using respite ,and for even thinking of checking out emi units as i know this will have to be done soon ,and i dont want it to reach a crisis and not know where to start ,there is guilt over using sedatives the list is long and no matter what family and freinds tell you it does not make the guilt go awayi wish i knew the answer to this one?ANGELA


Registered User
Jul 31, 2004
care home

my grans sw told us putting her in a home would kill her (hows that for guilt), when she eventulally went into a home after a lenghty stay in hospital she was a little unsettled but now thinks of it as home, shes been in her home 8 months now and is doing really well compared to some residents she isnt deteriating as quickly as them despite being the 2nd oldest (94)


Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
They are on a different planet

I have a Social Worker and she has been completely useless. Facts she has given me turn out to be incorrect, no idea what it is like to care for someone24/7 .
We all go through the guilt feeling. If I had done this or I had done that differently but as my family say I have done the best for Peter and what they say is more important than a Social Worker who incidently the Consultant has had words with for not doing the correct thing. Best wishes . Christine