Guilt has started................

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by paris07, Dec 17, 2007.

  1. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    74
    australia
    Hubby and I took Mum into her care home yesterday, she appeared very calm and pleased with everything and everyone, as we were.I must say it is an excellent care home , I know as I worked there for 8 years before caring full time for Mum at home.
    However 2hours after I received a phone call from the sister in charge saying Mum wanted to talk to me..
    Mum started by saying there was no bath there, (of coarse there is)a lovely self contained room with ensuite ,tv,fridge,walking distance to dining room ,nurses station . Mum then complains there is no phone, (we ,the staff , hubby and myself decided not to put a phone in her room ) if she could use it, she would be calling us every 5 mins of the day apart from the cost, you have to dial 0 to get out on the line and I know Mum would get confused every time.
    I explained to Mum that the nurses are very busy and cannot run to help her with each call but she will not hear any of it.
    Everyone says have a good break and enjoy your time out but it seems impossible as I can never do enough to keep Mum happy.
    Oh boy 2 more weeks of this I think I will go crazy.
    Thank you all,
    paris07
     
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Paris,
    Firstly, it is early days and even if everything that they could possibly want be provided for, you can bet your bottom dollar they will find something to complaint about. It will take your Mum a little while to settle in but I expect that tom-morrow she will find her way around. It sounds as if you have found a really good Home for her.
    Now you must consider time with hubby and have a rest. I know from my own experience of how the guilt sets in but it is your time now.
    So enjoy your break with your hubby and gorget the guilt word exists.
    With best wishes from. Christine
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    Don`t be guilty Paris, you know it has to be.

    If you can cope with being a bit economical with the truth, would you consider telling your mother you will try to get a phone for her but there is a waiting list.

    I think at the beginning, the staff try to help with phone calls, just to gain the resident`s confidence. After a while they back off, unless they can`t get out of it.

    It`s early days yet. Try not to worry too much.

    Love xx
     
  4. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    dear Paris,i agree with christine.it is early days.The settling in process can be hard for families aswell as residents.the decision not to have aphone in your mums room is in my opinion a good idea.I have a resident who phones her son to tell him the time!You need this break and you have no need to feel guilty about it.Is it possible for you to speak to the home and ask them to only ring you in an emergency?Little white lies may be needed from the satff to your mum.I usually tell the resident i have called their family but they are not home and will try again later.it works most of the tome.
    good luck and i hope you get the well deserved rest.
    love elaine
     
  5. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    A few white lies are worth their weight in gold. No way we would have let mum have a phone in her room, part of her problem was phoning people in the middle of the night. It will take a few weeks for mum to get used to the regime. My mum said, at first "I don't know what you are paying all this money for cos they do nothing to earn it". Now, 4 months on, she thinks the place is wonderful. I wish it was, but it is okay.

    Paris, it will get better, believe me. Just give it time. We are only 5 months in, and it has taken that long to get mum adjusted, but it is now all okay.

    Unless there is something wrong with the home (and as you have worked there, you know there isn't), just give it time for mum to settle, as she definitely will.

    Love

    Margaret
     
  6. steve54

    steve54 Registered User

    Nov 30, 2007
    41
    Leicester/Nottingham
    Dear Paris

    My Mum has just gone to a new place and she is full of complaints too. I take heart from the wonderful support and advice other users of this forum give. Hang in there and don't be afraid to share your concerns. Even though the weight of responsibility and guilt can sometimes seem too much, knowing that other people are thinking of you does help. It certainly helps me. I don't know what I would've done without the support I gained on these pages.
     
  7. germain

    germain Registered User

    Jul 7, 2007
    342
    Hello

    Its a "no win" situation. Our Mum has been in CH since 1 November and has no idea where she is or why she's there but the guilt is equally as bad.
    Stick it out - you know that you are doing your best for her - you may never, ever get an acknowledgement of this from her but in your own mind and heart you know.

    Regards
    Germain
     
  8. Lotti

    Lotti Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    52
    I too know how you feel, mum had to be placed in a CH end of November because dad was ill and I am feeling guilty as I was the one who had to take her there and leave her, and then go onto the hospital to dad. She seems to be ok when I visit, we were (dad and I) going to the xmas party today to bring her home afterwards but he was bad again yesterday so now I am feeling guilty at trying to convince him he is not able to look after her (not at the moment anyway.)

    I have felt by reading other posts that you are not alone, and as Steve says it does help.
    Regards
    Lotti
     
  9. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    74
    australia
    Thank you all for your support it seems it is a no win situation,I get angry and frustrated and very tired caring for mum 24/7 at home and when she is in respite in care home I miss her, and wish she was home...
    Had my pre op today at hospital all is well, surgery (bi lateral knee replacements ) on the 14th January Mum is going into respite then for 6-8 weeks .
    I hope everyone is coping with the hectic rush before Christmas,my self?, I seem to be going round in circles ,not enough hours in the day.
    Take care,
    Paris07
     
  10. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear paris,sit back and relax,u have far more to contend with than i have.somewhere along the line u come into the equation.algebra gurly algebra.put yourself into the equation and see what happens.love n maths elaine
     
  11. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    Dear Paris-Hear Hear!:)
    Your mum is well looked after-you can't live her life for her as well as your own. you have enough to contend with by the sound of things.
    If it's any comfort my mum is 80 and reasonably well. I brought her to live near us when dad died 3yrs ago-and am still dealing with feelings of guilt that she is on her own! I know she's lonely, I know she hates living on her own-but I have a life too(husband with AD) and as long as I see her warm,fed,comfortable and safe I can do no more.This guilt thing is so irrational but we all do seem to feel it-I wonder why that is?:confused:
    I've worked out that we need to look after ourselves first-without wishing to sound egotistical-we have to come first and make sure that we do. If we run ourselves into the ground we'll be no good to anyone....
    So-take care of yourself-good luck with the knees-and please stop fretting. You care,and you,like everyone else out there who cares,are very special-don't forget that:D Love Gigi x
     
  12. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    My mother also done that to me when in emergency respite she had last year for 8 weeks mum did settel stop doing that after few weeks .

    hope they have put down this respite as an emergency respite for you .as if they do it does not go into the 8 weeks a year you can get .

    Then I don't know if your self funded as then it may be different .

    you need this rest to look after your own heath , if you want to keep caring for you mother in the future , so if you don't rest recover from OP , you won't be able to care for your mother in the future .

    Guilty going to drain you out of any positive energy you need to recover just my thought on it . Guilt is your feeling you have a right to feel what you want .
     
  13. wishinew

    wishinew Registered User

    Nov 29, 2007
    3
    My mum has been in an EMI care home since December 7, I know what you mean about feeling guilty, I do everytime I see her. Because she has Alzhimers with Lewis Body she sees things that are not there and imagines people making remarks to her. She is convinced the staff all hate her and want her to go away, she has even been quite aggressive at times with both the staff and other residents. Most of her clothes seem to have disappeared, the staff said they would try and find them (even her coat wasn't there today when we took her to ours for Christmas dinner so had to put an extra cardie on her). The staff all seem really nice but I still feel worried they might get fed up with her. Has anyone else had this problem.
     
  14. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    74
    australia
    Dear wishinew and all,
    I do hope eveyone had a lovely Christmas Day, mine was spent with my family,and it was faboulous , I spoke to Mum on the phone and she was quite happy about being in respite and was looking forward to a lovely Christmas dinner all of which made me feel a lot more happier.
    wishinew, I hope your mum settles in soon my mum did not like the place at first and complained about her cloths and the food and the staff but within a week she seems to be a lot more content.I feel sure the staff are well trained to cope with every situation.
    Beat wishes
    paris07
     
  15. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,661
    Kent
    Dear Paris.

    It`s such good news to hear your mother has settled in respite care. It must make you feel so much better.

    Now you can prepare yourself for your surgery, and concentrate on your own needs, without worry or guilt about your mother.

    I do hope it all goes well for you.

    Love xx
     
  16. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Paris,
    I wish you very best wishes for your operation.
    Christine
     

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